Happy Christmas

The holidays, after thanksgiving I always wish I could fast forward past valentines.

I haven't celebrated with my family in at least 9yrs. Since I was 17, if not younger. I've been doing things on my own for a long time. Doesn't feel important anymore. I know it will again one day, if I ever have my own family.

Kirstyn and Luke are taking me for brunch today. She got me smthn for xmas. I'm excited, I never get to open presents. She was hinting at active wear jackets, like an adidas zip up for ex.

Been up since half 3 got sick ln and went to bed at half nine.  So I'm exhausted. Tryin to catch more zz's.

I'm gunna go to church today. Not during service or anything, that's too much. There's a reason I don't go to church. Bad memories. Bad memories in the house of God, how terrible is that? Anyway. I think I need some alone time to talk to the man upstairs... at least I hope he's upstairs... If I cant cry to god, who can I cry to? This is what happens when you wipe away your own tears for so long, it feels pointless to cry even though I need to. My soul hurts over the loss of her, for everything that's been going on.

Suppressing my emotions is starting to become painful. Yesterday was a rough day, thinking about Carrie and everything else that's been going on. I wish I could cry, it hurts more when I cant let it out. My gf, "watch a sappy movie so you cry"... the last time I did that, I balled to toy story 3... it was sad, he grew up and gave away his toys, ok...  lol I'm lame, I know. I'm so glad no one else was there.

I'm choosing to ring in the new year alone... which is what I usually do. I make plans and I always cancel them.

Thursday was my sisters 22 b-day on December 22. It was such a weird day. She thinks her bf may propose. They've talked about it before. I hope she says yes, she's a bigger spaz then I am lol. We scare easy when it comes to relationship shit. I haven't met him but I've heard about him and he loves her very much. She's lucky to find such a great man. They both work as hard as they can, at retail jobs to support eachother. I was like, how cute would it be if he proposed with a little plastic ring? ... If u knew my sister u'd say the same... She didnt have the same enthusiasm about the plastic ring.... He could always get her something when they can afford it. That would be such a cute proposal. It's about the memories not the money. I know it's not about that for her either. I told her if he does, she has to text me so I can call her so she can tell me first lol. My family oy.

I signed up with the volunteer organization on Thursday. I will be taking a training class in Jan to teach me all about developmental and physical disabilities. I can pick from all age groups, tho I think working with adults with disabilities would suit me best. We'll be going out and doing activities. I'm looking forward to helping other people.

Then...

*Tim came over... it feels so surreal. I keep waiting to wake up from a dream. It was really great to see him.

Hopefully I'll see him again, who the hell knows... I'm following fate right now.. You shoulda seen my horoscope... trippy.

I know usually I'd tell u guys exactly what went down, but I'm keeping this memory to myself. Too good of a time to share it with anyone else, and I don't wanna think too much into it.

Niki swears Carrie met him... I don't remember, I didn't think any of my friends had. That would be weird if she had eh. Him coming around so soon after she died...

It's like something changed when you passed away. Everything is different. I cant explain it. Like an energy shift.

Anyways, before that I got a proposition that I'm turning down. I cant go into detail on this one either. I was asked not to talk about it. Very unexpected.

Lets add to the list of unexplained events. I got a collect call from Edmonton remand centre... guess who got picked up for something else... Ben. I didn't accept the call. I don't even know why he thought I would...

That was such a weird day. Do I dare ask whats next? Everything's been so weird since Carrie passed away. What are you doing up there beautiful? I'm confused... I'm just gunna go with the flow. That's usually how I roll. Things usually seem to sort themselves out.

All I know, is everything happens for a reason.

On that note... Hope everyone has a happy holidays lol.

AAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Today is the day her family has the service in Flin Flon.

I'm like 10x more fucked up then normal... I'm all over the place more then normal.

I saw my therapist yesterday. Thank fuck for that. She has a way of making me feel a lot better.

She couldn't believe everything we had done to arrange last minute. She asked if it feels like she's gone and I told her no. She asked how I was coping. I told her I suppress my emotions and it bites me in the ass later for not dealing with my issues right away. I told her I was angry with my friends for their lack of support. I told her I've come to the conclusion that they aren't as mature as I thought they were. When I needed them the most they weren't there.

Niki was the most supportive. She's listen to my plans for Carrie and the memorial. Kirstyn was like dont use my camera to take a picture of her. I got so mad. Like I'd leave pictures of her on her camera. Then she thought it was weird that we were picking out her clothes, nail polish and that we had gotten her underwear. It just didn't seem right that she wasn't properly clothed. I dont know. It all seemed like a bad dream.

I'm meeting with someone tomorrow to volunteer my time to go out on outings and look after other disabled people. 2-4hr commitment a week. I think it'll be good for me. I need to be around different kinds of people.

I'm looking forward to meeting new people at school. People who actually have similar interests to me. I don't like the clubs and I don't like sitting around wasting life, doing nothing. Especially when I have a good day and I'm not in any pain.

I haven't been smoking a lot of weed. I'm broke ass. The weed pills they prescribed me help. Thank god. It's a good thing really. Need to have a clear head for school and I don't like being intoxicated all the time. Though I gotta tell u when I'm irritable and in pain it sure does make me feel good.

Nick, hasn't really been the same since I told him I didn't want anything but friendship. 

I'm glad I'm volunteering and starting school. Dear god please please please let me get my loan approval, my card from my g-ma and my new credit card asap. Also, please help Carries family and Dustin. I know how hard all of this has been on me, I can only imagine how her family must feel.

I got in a big fight with Kirstyn and Taylor yesterday.

I love when people try to say things and throw things in my face. It doesn't phase me, don't you know the reason I have no secrets... because you have no ammo to use against me. He went off on me because he's homeless and the money he does have he wants to come over and drink. Seeing how insensitive he was I dont want him around me and he needs to get his shit straight. Why would I want a homeless person in my house who isn't doing the right thing?

I mean my gf is staying with me on my couch. But she works full time, she contributes towards things, and really just because she doesnt have her own place doesnt make her homeless. Taylor took advantage of my generosity.

Kirstyn and I got in a fight because she wasnt there for me last week. Then we made plans for today then she tried to push me back to Thursday. I was like really? REALLY!!! I hate when people make plans and double book themselves and I hate not being important enough for her to make time for me.

Like seriously, she made time for Tamara last week... I told her off as soon as she told me that. We're fine.

I am taking a break from everyone after the holidays. At least from my friends. If I cant go on a real vacation at least I can have a mental one. I will never understand why everyone comes to me with their problems. I have too much of my own shit going to worry about everyone elses problems.

Focusing on me.

Did I tell you a lady at the memorial read my blog. She wasn't one of the people who commented on it. It was weird to meet someone I've never met who's read something so personal. It was good though. It was good to know my words touched people. Though I kinda wish I hadn't mentioned Carrie coming with me to get my piercing. That was the first thing that popped in my head when I started getting comments. Whatever. I dont go around advertising my piercing to guys. My gf's obviously ask about it. They wanna know if the rumors are true lol. No one else has the balls.

Fuck me, my mom just called. She's going back in for surgery because she's really sick. When they did the gastric bypass the first time it almost killer her because the fucked up. She's still sick from whatever they did in '05. So now she has to go in for another surgery and they want to re do it. My step dad gave her a blood transfusion last time which was against her wishes. I told her to store her own blood this time so she's not upset. Then she tells me I dont want the transfusion. She's signing a DNR.

I swear to god my head is going to explode.

I need to relax, A back massage would be good right about now. Hot bubble bath, glass of wine. Read a book. Sounds like my idea of a good time.

Sweet Dreams Carrie

What a week man, it's taken it's toll on me.

Friday was the memorial/viewing. I took pictures of her for her family and of the service, it was really difficult actually. Right after I saw her all I wanted to do was leave and get fucking trashed. The responsible person I am. I stayed till the end.

So this is how the week went. For the whole beginning of the week. Her cousin told me she was being held at the morgue, and her ashes were being picked up right away and being taken back to Manitoba.

So of course I was like, that's not cool. I at least have to see her. So we (her friend and I) contacted the morgue so we could see her, it would've been before she was prepped but we didn't care, if it was our only opportunity.

So I call the morgue to arrange to see her. They tell me she's not there, she's been moved. Ummm, to where? They didn't know. So of course I panicked, cause now she was lost right. It's ok, they let me know as soon as they knew where she was. Phew, it was like a scene from a movie.

We expressed that we'd like to see her. I was panicking. How the hell was I supposed to get to flin flon. If I was broke before, arranging the memorial tapped me out. She had to have a proper goodbye. Her family arranged that she have a viewing. So it would've been just her in a coffin.

So her other best friend Ashley and I decided to take it upon ourselves to give her a proper goodbye. We posted the event on facebook. They got the word out to her school, the faculty, the colleagues on her unit. We tried to contact some of her friends in BC.

I called the funeral home to find out if she had clothes to wear. Nope, and no one thought to tell us. They were just gunna put her in a nighty. Her bf didn't want  anyone going into their house before he did. Rightfully so, he had to travel to get here. So we went and bought her clothes. Sweater, scarf, leggings, underwear, shoes, belt, nail polish to match the sweater. I didn't even think to tell them to put makeup on her. Like eyeshadow or something.

We had to find out the condition of her body when she came in so we knew what to expect and what not. Broken neck, jaw and a gash to the forehead. I kept brushing her hair over her face to keep it covered, but people kept touching her. When I saw her, it wasn't her. It helped knowing that. Knowing that her body was just a vessel that contained her soul. Who knows where someones soul goes. Monday is when she passed. On wed her boyfriends sister delivered a baby girl... odd right?

Anyway, so Ash and I pretty much got together and set everything up. Cards, pics, clothes, candle, book for everyone to sign (had over 53ppl in 4days notice) Ash did up a cd. I made sure to put that song from PS I love you on there, the funny one from the funeral. We never got to it tho :( Devin, her ex, his family invested several hundred dollars into flowers. They were kind, and let Ash and I each pick one we liked best. Someone brought food. It turned out beautifully. I'm so glad Dustin her boyfriend decided to come. Just seeing him made me feel so much better.

I was finally able to speak to her mom. Like I sad her mom's been fighting cancer. She was doing pretty good, till Monday. The day she passed, her mom found out there may be something else; more cancer. She was so upset she couldn't attend. Finances are tight and her health and last minute. I'm gunna go to the bank and try and set up something for donations to her family. I told her mom she can stay here when she's in town. Same with Dustin. Whenever he comes through town he's got a place to stay. Her mom had been making little notes so I turned it into a eulogy to be able to read to everyone on behalf of the family. I obviously cleared what I said with her mom.

It was hard to see her. It just didn't feel like her u know. She looked like a wax statue. I touched her hand, her hair, her face. It was really hard for me, to touch her. I had to though. I just wanted to sit with her as long as I could. I didn't want to leave, because I knew when I did, it would be goodbye forever.

I have a hard time crying in front of people. I started to tear up so I put my sunglasses on,but could only shed one.  I cried when I saw her. I cried when I got to her place that night and saw her tree.

She was literally less then 5 minutes away from home. Seeing her beautiful home and the life Dustin provided for her. Hes like a dream come true. I wish I could find a man like him. Honestly he's an amazing man. He gave her everything she could dream of. It breaks my heart knowing how he must feel. He was so sweet to let us go through her things to see what we wanted. I'd really like the dream catcher. He said I could have it but i don't want to take anything that would bring him comfort. He gave me the hat she had worn to the concert we went to. We each had one. I got a dragonfly glass thing to put in the window. Couple candles. Bandaids lol, I figure she can help me when I fall down (happens a lot), books, candle holder, bio oil, some jewelry. I'm so sad though. Somehow my drunk ass lost the pairs to each earing I had. I have one of each. WTF? I wasnt drunk at the memorial, however i was drunk when I was at his house. I needed it for sure. It was funny going through her stuff. The things people keep. She's so funny. I don't know how many times I said that. Oh and then I forget my stuff at his house. I borrowed my neighbors mascara and lost it. So I just bought her more and pretended like nothing ever happened hahaha. Tho now my fav makeup and makeup brushes are gone. It's hard tho. I didn't want to be greedy, I hope I wasn't seen that way. Dust said to take whatever and he'll go through and see. Really, I'm just happy to have anything and that he let us come see him and spend time with him. When I first saw him we hugged for a really long time and he was crying, so then I started crying and I was like "Look what u did, now I'm crying." he laughed.

We found this little bag filled with homemade pouches out of paper and tape to hold change. All but 1 said $1, the other said .16c. Fuck we laughed. Dustin gave me a pictures to give to Dev, of his and carries trip to the coast. It was good of him to be so kind to Dev, and vice versa. I was a little worried. They had never met.

The family is letting me keep some of her ashes. My mom knows someone who will make a glass necklace out of it for me. Dunno if I could wear it though. Maybe hang it up. It might creep me out a little bit, wearing my friend.

Devs family gave me the beautiful flower arrangement I picked out.

I talked to the president from her nursing department at mt royal. He's totally cute btw. Anyway, so the school is trying to have somekind of tribute for people to remember her by. Dear Carrie, please send that cute president my way...

It was weird everyone coming to me and saying how sorry they were. I actually hate sympathy, I get all awkward. Do I hug this stranger, shake their hand? I don't really like people touching me. I hugged a few people, it was weird.
______________________________________________________________________________


                                                                  Eulogy

Hi my name is Elli,

I was one of Carries best friends.  I’ve been asked to speak on behalf of her family.

Unfortunately  they would have loved to be here, but with such short notice, them  living out of province and her mothers poor health, they were unable to make it. They however will be holding a small service in Flin flon, where she’s from next week, and next summer, her ashes will be buried next to her father.

Carrie loved animals, when she was a little girl she loved the unicorn song by the Irish Rovers…
“Cats and rats and elephants.”  She had a cat named missy, rats and a dog named nibbles, but she would’ve had an elephant if she could.

Her Grandpa Russ would call her his little Litisha

When she was younger she loved to swim, except she was terrible at it. So when they would go fishing they’d put a life vest on her , tie her to the boat, throw her in and let her swim while they fished.

Carrie decided to go back to school to become a Nurse. She was a very compassionate caring person. She wanted to help people and make a difference in their lives. I remember the first time she delivered a baby. She said it was amazing, she cut the umbilical cord. I told her you’re one of the first people to meet that child. She said yah but they’d never remember her. I told her she helped bring new life into this world, and that’s an amazing thing. She was also looking forward to making big bucks . She had a lot of plans she was looking forward to.

Within the last eight months or so, she met a fella by the name of Dustin. One weekend she would be in Calgary, the next she’d be visting him in Southern Saskatchewan,  and studying for school.

She was in 7th heaven now that she’d met him. She was the happiest anyone had ever seen her. She had met her soul mate. They were hard to keep apart. They were just starting to create a life together. Then god took her away from him, her family, and her friends.

Her mother Barb misses her very much. Her half sisters, the boys, her  stepmother Eldene. Her half sister Amber misses her very much. She’s up in heaven with her father now, he’ll take good care of her.
Her mom is very grateful for everything everyone has done for her memorial and everyone who was able to attend on such short notice.

Please send prayers and good thoughts her way.

She ask that we have adrink in Carries name.  Carrie would want us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death.

Figerprints don’t fade from the lives we’ve touched. She touched us all.

We all love you and miss you very much.

May you rest in peace, sweet dreams beautiful.

__________________________________________________________________________________


Now back to my regularly scheduled life. 

I have my moments. It's still fresh. I wonder how long it'll take to kick in, am I still in shock and denial or have I done what I normally do? Put a wall up and pretend like it never happened. It helps me get over things quickly but then again the issue is never really resolved.

I'm doing ok emotionally. I'm emotionally retarded, so haven't really cried since Friday.

Most of my friends were pretty insensitive... remind me the next time someone they loves dies...

I had to leave sleep group early and I missed relaxation all together. Coulda been helpful this week for sure.

I'm now mentally and physically exhausted, so my body is run down. All I want to do is sleep and be antisocial for a few days. Stupid Christmas. It's pointless when u have no kids. I'm just going to someones for dinner. New years, I blew off my plans. I spend it alone because I've been alone the last 8yrs for new years. I figure if I ring it in by myself. I have no drama going into the new year. Plus, I'm usually asleep by 9 anyway.  My g-ma's new year is more exciting then mine. Seriously, freakin g-ma.

Broke as fuck after the memorial. I was already skint. At least it went to a good cause though. She deserved nothing but the best.

I had a missed call from the casino last week. Wonder who the fuck that was. I never go there... someone I know for sure. I had a lot of missed calls that day from unknown numbers. Ergo, y i screen my calls.

Someone tried to take my tobez (Tobi) this week. I don't know you, I love her and now she's my cat. Leave me alone. Tobez lol, she's such a shit disturber.

I went on that date on Wednesday. Carrie, I don't know what I was supposed to get out of going to our pool hall for my date? Was I supposed to pick up the hot bar tender instead? Cause that didnt happen.

So the guy is Nick, sweet guy. Works for the city. Very handsome. Beautiful eyes, actually... they look like Tims but a different colour. As soon as I saw him I text my gf to tell her, her response..."Oh Lord" man I laughed. Every time I go on a date, with someone who's attractive but doesn't dress how I'd like my guy to look, I give them a little makeover in my head. If u have a fashion sense, then cool. If u don't have one at all that's when I do the little makeover. I need to spend more time with him to decide on what style would suit him. How fucked is that. The point here is I shouldn't need to change someone. Though I'm pretty sure my ex husband is very happy I gave him a hand. If I could work with him, I could work with anyone. Seriously bum bag and socks with sandals. LMAO y did we get married? ... He's a farm boy, drives trucks. He may be a little shy. He didnt do a whole lot of talking. Kinda a weird date. Anyway my mom lectured me and told me he sounds like a nice man, he's cute, give him a chance.... That's what I'm doing. She reminded me of all the losers I've dated this year... Thanks Mom! Regardless we'll be friends. He's chill. I like chill.

He's coming to make me dinner tn. I have like 3 other dudes who want to hang out.... I hate dating, it confuses the fuck out of me. I guess since I'm not sleeping with anyone I can date other people? I don't know. Plus I'm just in a shitty mood right now. Dealing with a death, worrying about my student loan coming through in time. Doctors apts, classes. GO,GO,GO. Here's the problem. I dont get attached to people I dont sleep with. That cant be a good thing though because I don't sleep with that many people. So if I don't sleep with him, I'll never be into him? I am fucked. Fuck!

I'm all fucked in the head. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I've wanted a boyfriend for a long time. I dunno now. Maybe when I meet the right guy, I wont have to question myself? Maybe I'm just being weird. I don't want to think about it, it gives me anxiety.

I'll be honest. I'm not putting much effort into anything else right now. I'm just letting myself coast until school starts. I need a vacation. I'm tired of drama and dealing with other peoples emotions.

So I'm at shoppers and this tweaker is there, trust me I know what a tweaker looks like. Buddy was making me anxious.  I wasn't scared, the way he was acting had me on guard. Jittery, talking to himself, not ur typical crazy. I fucking hate tweakers. Put the meth pipe down.

Something I've learned. Life is too short. I could die in an hr and have no time to prepare. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I'm doing whatever makes me happy.

Love the life you live. 12/18/11
___________________________________________________________________________________
                                                                  Continued on 12/19/11

So I had dinner with Nick last night. I told him this morning that i'd like it if we could be friends. We are just two very different people, who've lived two very different lives. Nothing happened. We never even kissed. He's a sweet guy though. I'm glad he never tried to kiss me. I've had guys try and force themselves on me before. I hate when I have to put my hand in their face and push them off me.

Kirstyn tried to tell me she's worried about me because I'm depressed....duh I'm depressed. It's been one thing after the next. I told her how insensitive everyone was last week. She said she was guilty as well but she just didn't know how to help me. I figured.

When I'm upset I tend to push people away. I don't like displaying weakness.  I'm everyones rock, or didn't you know. Who's my rock... ? I don't have one. That's the problem.

I don't let people in deep down. Where it really matters. How do you do that when your guards always up and you trust no one to stay in your life forever. Plus everyone starts to annoy the crap out of me lol.

I have learned, I need a guy who gives me my space. Feel free to text to tell me something about your day. Give me a call before bed, so we can talk about our days. Don't message me, all day, asking what I'm up to, knowing full well I have no life.  It bores me just telling you about my boring day.

I cant wait for school to start. If my loan isnt approved in time I don't know what I'm going to do to keep myself busy.

I'm fine as long as I dont think about Carrie and I keep my mind busy. I've now run out of things so I cry.

I'm in such a bad place mentally. I hate the holidays. It's not the same without a big family celebration. It was a lot different when we still celebrated at home. I do enjoy seeing other peoples family traditions its nice. If I ever had kids, I'd like it to be like that.

REST IN PEACE CARRIE MY LOVE

My beautiful best friend died yesterday December 12 2011.She was my very first best friend in Canada. She was there when I needed an angel.

I found out via facebook. Her boyfriend posted on her wall. She doesn't have a lot of ppl on her fb. I've messaged some of her family to find out what happen.

She was leaving work, skid on black ice. Had a head on collision and died instantly from the impact.

Her father died last year and her mom's been fighting cancer.

She called me on Thursday, I missed the call. Tried to get back to her, right away. She was in my neighborhood so swung by, saw my lights were off and kept going. I was home. She said, Oh well, next time. Now I'm never going to see her again.

When I first moved here, after my separation from my ex husband. The only friends I had were older ladies, cops wives and their families. So, the loser I am, I posted and ad on craiglsist for friends. I found one. Carrie.

We had dinner and played pool in the NE. Her life almost mirrored mine. Like I was the future she could end up having had she continued the way she was going.

She moved from BC to Calgary to be with her boyfriend. Had no friends here, and their relationship was rocky. I had only met her once and she called me crying because they got in a fight. So I drove from Okotoks to dt Calgary to pick her up and she spent the night at my house. I'd be there to get her whenever they fought.

I took her to get her first sex toys. Me being the sex toy expert and all lol.

She'd come tan with me at crystal shores beach in okotoks. I got her tanning stickers this one time. We would row on the lake. I loved rowing on the lake. We tied our canoes (they kinda look like kayaks but not) together and tried to paddle around. It worked but it was hella funny.

We'd go shoot pool at Schanks down south. My exhusband played with us once. We also had lunch with him and his partner at BP on 17th. They were on duty so I felt kinda cool lol. Carrie didn't like him. She always made me laugh.

She was there for me through my divorce. Summer of '09 she went on a road trip with her ex. Before she left we had a little talk. On accident. I was telling her a question  I asked someone but she thought I was asking her. She said it was hard to hear me talk about guys all the time because she wanted the excitement I had but she was in a crappy relationship. I was newly single, trying to keep busy with dating to push through the hard times.

When she came back, we didn't spend as much time together as we used to. She started nursing school. I got sick.

You know someone will always be your friend when u don't talk to them for months and you just pick up where you left off. That's how we were. Every cpl months we'd get together, have lunch. Grab a coffee, catch eachother up to speed. Whenever we had a guy worth talking about we'd get in touch.

She came with me to get my hood pierced. She was all up in there lol. I was like meh, she's a nurse. She was delivering babies during that time in school and I'm far from shy. She met me at the mall when I was clothes shopping recently, She had an spc card.

The last time I saw her, I didn't exactly have my shit together. She was picking me up to go to the emergency room because I had my period for like 3wks or something stupid. So my doctor said go to the hospital. Anyway when she got to me I was drunk. Ben was feeding me drinks b4. So I had a shower and then we went. I dont exactly remember what happened. I think him and I got into it before he left and I had slammed the door on his face.

That's the last thing she needed to see. Me being a mid day alchi. When she grew up in an alcoholic household.

I had just talked to her not that long ago. She was helping me with stuff to get into school. Cause fuck if I know. My mom took care of my college shit last time and I'm not from here. She said "I am so happy for you and I'm so proud of you. Now I'm crying, I dont know maybe cause I just got my period."

I laughed. Fuck I loved her face.

I've had to deliver the news to a few people. Her other best friend and the exboyfriend she moved out here to be with. They were friends before. So I had to track him down. I tried to find her bf after him and I cant find him. Delivering the news, its hard to do it.. The more they ask, seriously, are you kidding? The harder I cry and I just say unfortunately I wish I was. I can tell them without crying but then you have the questions. How, where, when, was anyone with her,was anyone else hurt. I wasn't sobbing, but I was crying. The sobbing is for when no one else can see me. My other bff wants to be there for me and I just want to push her away.

I cant believe she's gone. I'm going to church here, to pray for her and to cry to god. I'm a fucking mess. The crazy thing was, I knew. I had been thinking about her all the day before. Flipping through her pictures. She was finally happy. She suffered with depression. Life was going so great for her. I have a date and I was like oh, she'd love him. Her bf and him would prob get along great. We could go on a double date. They also met Luke and Kirstyn. I was just so happy at the idea of being able to do that with Carrie. Our first date is scheduled for schanks down south. Has been, since before the accident. I'm still gunna go. Maybe it's a sign. All I know is she's watching over me.

The good die young. I thanked god for making it quick so she didnt suffer. It's all so fresh. Death is the hardest thing to face. I've never lost anyone I was this close with. I mean grandparents yes, but the lived in NY and I only saw them a few times.

My heart is so broken. I feel lost knowing she's not here anymore. I try and push through the pain by blocking it off. I cant anymore. I just have to let myself grieve for her.

She had a rose on her right breast, a dragon fly on her back and the newest tatt, roadrunner and coyote for her father. It said

Never give up, Learn from yesterday,live for today,and hope for tm. I will be getting that tatt'd on me with her Initials C.C.

I will love you till the day I die.

Snow

Every time I wake up and there's snow. I just wanna roll over into someones arms. Make him breakfast. Spend the day cuddling watching movies on the couch in front of the fireplace.

Then cook him dinner, he helps and wraps his arms around me while doing a little slow dance in the kitchen.

Romantic. I've never experienced romance.

I always think about the morning Tim woke up with me. I always wonder what it would be like to spend time with him again. If he's what I thought he was. I always hope one day he'll show up at my door. Whenever I see a black truck, whenever i drive down Edmonton trail, whenever I see someone in construction gear, I think of you.

Dumb to think about him so much, I only knew him for a month. Over a year ago.

I think If I had someone it wouldn't be an issue, but when I'm single I tend to analyze the past a lot.

The good memories hurt too, just reminds me of what I lost. Listen to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jKHIxBBfWU&feature=related

It's from "The Brave One" sound track. It made me so sad. She was engaged and in love. They got mugged in the park. He was killed and she was beaten so bad she was in a coma for weeks. The scene where they showed her and her fiance making love, and then she lost him. Reminds you of all the pain you've had.

It's hard to let myself cry. I can appear to be completely emotionless for months but eventually it comes out.  Probably cried for a good 20min.

I tried to talk to the primary care giver I was referring to when I was talking to my therapist about what her and I had spoken about. It's hard talking to the person who hurt you the most about what they did. It's not the first time, but it's hard when they try to justify their reasoning. It's not justifiable, I forgave you but I never forgot.

Not the last time but the time before my therapist had asked me what keeps me pushing through the hard times, what keeps me going? I had to take that one home and mull it over. My answer was this "I want the life I deserve. I'm determined to have it" When my best friend back home tells people about me he cries. He's seen my whole life and all he tells people is she's been through so much but she keeps going.

My skin has been hurting for the last two weeks. If someone was to move a strand of hair off of my face, it would hurt. Of course i forget and i rub my eyes and oh yah it hurts. Shower is painful. The joys of my life.

I think I'm gunna go shovel my neighbors walk way, she's blind and her husband is elderly. Amazing to see them together. How much they love eachother.

Ben tried to call me yesterday. Friday I lost it on him and her. I spent the majority of my day in court waiting to see his trial. First time ever at court. I spent time listening to everyone elses case. There are some crazy ass mother fuckers in the world who like to beat the shit out of women. Heard some scary stories. One chick had to escape out the basement window while leaving her kids in the house with him, run to the neighbors and call the cops. One dude showe'd up on his ex's camping trip. Went in her tent and hit her in the face a couple times.

Anyway, turns out my ex friend over exaggerated on the first police statement because she wanted to get him in trouble. Then she amended it but it still wasn't the truth, so she amended it again. She may be charged with perjury. Fuckin serves her right. Then she acts all lovey dovey with him. I met Ben's friend. Another chick he attempted to date but never slept with. Smart woman. We compared notes. There's a lot we didn't know about him. Anyway I was pissed. Ben likes to run his mouth and cause problems. Which is why I cant talk to him about shit. He runs back to the ex friend and tells her. When she gets off the phone with him she calls me.

So she calls to see if I said something to him cause he said I said it. I Lost it. I was like I'm tired of this he said she said bullshit. I'm done I dont need this shit. I want my clothes back. He called. Then he was yelling at me. He said why are you lying. I wasnt, stupid piece of shit. I had forgotten what I was talking about as usual so I asked. What were we talking about? He knows i have a bad memory. He's like what, are you fucking stupid, gunna blame it on your illness again? I was saying something he's like blah blah blah. I screamed said I was fucking done with this shit and hung up on his ass in Jail.

So yesterday he tries to call. I missed the one early in the day. He tried to call after 10 which was weird. I thought they were on lock down after a certain time. I fell asleep with my phone in my hand cause it was on vibrate. He called, vibrating woke me up but startled me and I pushed the wrong button on the phone and disconnected the call lol. Fate intervening?

If I answer it and he yells, I'm going to block his ass next time he calls. I don't need his shit. He's good for nothing anyway. What a psycho.

So this guy on POF messages me this morning "$100 bucks for the panties you're currently wearing." Fucking sicko.

I have a few guys I'm talking to who seem interested and are looking for a relationship.I was asked on 3 dates today. Turned them all down. All cute.  Blah, I cant be asked. All I've wanted was to go on a date. I'm in a mood this weekend. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to get shit on. I'm determined not to sleep with someone I'm not dating. It's pointless. That's what vibrators are for.

Anyway shall try not to spend the day as depressed as I was yesterday.

You know I have no life when I post on here frequently. My bff's, one got back with her ex so he takes up her time. The other one just got her own place and got the dogs from her ex and has a bf. Safe to say I spend a lot of time alone these days. I cant wait to start school.

My new roommates cool. We stay out of eachothers way. He spends most of his time playing video games or watchin sports. I love the new battlefield.  We have cable and two pvrs. I never watch tv. Waste of life watching other people live. I do like movies tho.

Just rambling now. Had to clear my head and write it all down. Today will be a better day.

ahh 2 many things

Too many things going on at once. I have a short attention span so I'm losing my mind. My thoughts are so unorganized. I'm all over the place... here's whats going on.

School- So since I'm disabled, when I filled out my loan they obviously ask. The school provides assisted services to the disabled. So I've been trying to deal with that. Turns out I shoulda talked to the dude at the University before filling out my loan... SHIT! I fucked shit up on my loan that I didn't know about. So now with all the documents from the school and another loan application filled out. Hopefully It gets approved in a timely manner. The disability is actually a grant not on my loan. I think up to 2g towards tuition and 8g towards supplies.

So here are the services the disability resource centre requested for me. If approved I will have a note taker, echo smartpen (cool shit, google it) and 25% extra testing time in the testing lab not in class. Based on how I'm doing the testing time can be changed. This is kinda a test run for the disability resources, It may be modified for Fall semseter. They go through a lot of questions in relation to your health and how it's currently affecting you. None of the assistance given to you shows up on your transcripts. It's all private. Obv theres a lot more to it then that. So I was running around all  over campus today, no idea where I was going. Pretty sure I stopped in every other building for directions haha. I needed to pull a Joey and get into the map (friends reference). Anyway there's a lot more too it then that and I've been running around trying to take care of everything. School without supplies or books $5,500 for 3 classes.*gulp ... 7-9 years to go... shit son.

Sleep group- One of the classes I'm taking at the chronic pain centre (my specialists). It's to better improve your sleep. Man, I have to change so many of my habits. Cant smoke, drink, caffeine. Can't be in bed for more then 15min, if u cant sleep you get back up.  If you're having sex it's cool (I obv didnt ask that) but those are the only times you're allowed to be in bed.. I do everything in bed. It's more comfortable then the couch.. We talk about the medications we're on and our current routine we're on. This is an 5 wk course. I have a sleep diary to track my sleep. I let everyone know weed helps with chronic pain and sleep issues. One of the other pills I'm on is a weed substitute, for instance If I go abroad and dont have weed, this should tide me over. It's called Nabilone. Changing my sleep habbits are going to cause more pain for a few months, based on the techniques they want you to use... better spare my friends I'll be a bitch and to stay away lol. Na they usually know when I'm in pain.

I start relaxation group tomorrow.

My mom- had surgery a cpl weeks ago. So I've been dealing with her over the phone while she's all f'd on pain killers. FYI people say some f'd up shit when they are on pills. Another FYI, if you talk to me after I take my sleeping pills anytime before I wake up. I wont remember a thing. Conversations, what I did. I mean it's like that during the day but it's kinda like I black out and I'm on auto pilot. I've been on these pills since I lived in England. Long time, when I first got diagnosed.

My friends have so much drama going on they stress me out. WHY AM I THE GO TO PERSON?! I may be a psycho but everyone comes to me for advice and I never take theirs... sometimes I wish I did.

Therapy- So I had a breakthrough with my therapist. If you know me, I keep my past vague. I hate talking about it. I'll tell you everything but what you need to know lol. Last time she asked if I'd be willing to discuss it with her the next time I saw her. After that apt I rescheduled one because Ben spent the night with me and I'd be damned if I left him in my house unattended (shoulda saw that as a red flag). Second time I f'd it up I was looking at December instead of November. FUCK! So I finally saw her a month later. I try and go every two weeks. I layed it out for her. Was pretty much in tears the whole session. Finally gave her a hug. For a second there she kinda asked if I needed sex addiction therapy. Bahahaha, I was like I've only slept with 10 people. She's like, Ever? I was like yah ( "I was like", I'm such a valley girl, it's annoying) She's like you were faithful your whole marriage. I was like, yah. She seemed relieved hahaha.

So in discussing my past I explained to her the sexual things that happened. It's fucked. How many 7yr olds do you know that have told their parents they're a lesbian? There's a reason I said that but that's besides the point. The physical abuse I faced, the drugs. My sister, her father, my father, my siblings and foster siblings.  My failed marriage and getting sick in my marriage. Moving country to country. Being diagnosed at 22. Moving again and getting sick again. Having been married to a cop and now I date criminals... wtf is that? It's not on purpose. Apparently criminals are hot...

She now has a full picture of why I am the way I am. I get told what a kind gentle loving person I am from her all the time. Just the day before I was on my way to my physio apt and I saw a little old lady struggling to carry a box. So I took it off her hands and walked her to where she needed to go. It's called manners.

Anyway my therapist and I are going to work on my attachment issues and letting people go. Apparently the lack of care and abuse from my primary care giver, has unknowingly caused me to let people hurt me and keep them around because that's all I know. Because that's what it was like with my family. They hurt me and I had to be there. I also dont let people go, because I feel the need to let them know I care and love them as a person and they arent alone. I do it in a psycho way sometimes (working on that). Why I keep Ben in my life. I feel like he's all alone so I want to be there for him but at my expense because all he does is hurt me. Same with my marriage. I couldn't walk away, I wanted to, but he had to be the one to do it. Anyway, my homework is to make a red flag chart. So I can refer to my list, If they fit any of my red flag criteria, cut em loose. One for friends the other for relationships.

Physio- We went over some workouts I do in the gym to make sure I'm not causing any more pain on accident. Turns out I'm awesome, duh didnt u know? :P We did some balance board work. Squats on the balance board. Ouch thighs were sore for sure. Then just my regular physio homework to continue. I was talking to her about primatology she got all excited and told me to read this one book.

Other doctors, they upd my meds, as usual. I'm hoping to come off the sleeping one eventually.

Ben- Still in Jail. He's supposed to have court on Fri but he's being a fucking douche. Fuck his face. I'm tired of him saying he gives a shit but not even making the effort. You want your cat back? I want my $300 and the cost to look after Tobi the cat. As far as I'm concerned he left her here for me to take care of. Now I love her so he cant have her back. I wouldn't be surprised if he stays in Jail for all the shit he's done. The ex friend he slept with and then made his gf  for only 2wks has been contacting me updating me. She gave up on him now after what he did to her. Serves both of them right. I'm still not taking her back. YOU DO NOT FUCK SOMEONE I HAVE SLEPT WITH!!!! Had he not been such a shit head, I probably woulda punched her in the face. She said shes glad the drama has been going on cause she gets to talk to me and she doesnt know what she's going to do when it stops. Cause I wont be talking to her anymore. She sacrafised a lot to be a fucktard and fuck the guy I was sleeping with... I fucking warned her how he was and guess what. He never hit me out of anger, but her.... Anyway, fuck face doesnt give a shit so I'm keeping the cat and not going to visit him in jail. Not like he gives a fuck. He said he was gunna climb my balcony. I'll take the bat to his face. Trust me, I got one after all this shit went down. Fuck em all and that situation. When he stops calling me from jail, that would be nice. I'd block it but i told u how I feel like I have to be there for everyone... he'll stop soon, cause he doesn't give a fuck.

My brother (adopted/foster) is spiraling down hill. He had a suicide attempt a few years ago so I worry about him. He has a son now. He was in school, my nephew was sorted. He was having problems with his woman. He went back for a funeral for his biological grandmother. Now he's thinking about moving to PA, picking them up and going. Wth? He dropped out of school, got a job then lost it... Please please please dont relapse. I love him so much.

My sister, still with her bf in their place. They're doin alright. I don't worry too much about her unless my mom calls me to fill me in on her situation. If I have money, I'll send it. When I first got started I needed help. I know what its like. Glad when  I can help.

I really wish my friends understood my illness better. It's frustrating, I cant do everything everyone else can. Sometimes they don't understand my limitations. It's rare when someone tells me I don't make the effort. I do the best I can, like I said to her. You cant accept me for me, you can walk. I don't get attached to friends easily. All I've done my whole life. Pick up and leave everyone else behind.

The single life- message after message from guys with washboard stomachs and hot faces asking me if I want to hook up. I NEED A FUCKING DATE!! This may be one of the only times I say this but... FUCK SEX! Tired of guys thinking that's all I'm good for. Piss off u fucking twats (acceptable to say in the uk, also cunt in Oz lol). Yes I have long blonde hair, big boobs and a huge ass... but seriously. I try and think of guys as horny dogs. It makes me cut them a little more slack. Whatever. I stay logged on and walk away. I get more messages that way haha. Honestly I'm hoping to meet someone on campus. If not whatevs. Too busy rn. So exhausted. I'm contemplating bed at 7pm.

I'm trying to get my workouts goin. I've done jack the majority of the yr in regards to losing weight.

Well, that's my life right now.

U of C

Ok, I am so excited to start school. I'm also nervous. I keep thinking, what if I invest all of this money and I cant hack it. What if I wont be able to work full time? Or in the field. I really want to work in the field and travel. Obviously not thinking about what if I had a family when getting into field work. I figure I shouldn't factor that into my career choice, cause who the hell knows if it'll ever happen. What if the career I'm choosing is the wrong one? I keep thinking, once I get started I may not actually have room for someone in my life. School/ Dr's apts/ gym/ medical classes/ friends/ r&r so I don't get sicker.

I've decided who the hell cares. I cant spend my life doing nothing. I hate having nothing to look forward to. The days are so long. Life is boring and I'm wasting precious days I'll never see again.

Tim, looks like he toned up. Nice pecs bud. So I've rated my guys and Tim for sure takes the number 1 spot. 2 is Troy... After2 I cant decide who gets what lol. Tim is 1 cause he's good in bed, good personality, super hot. Plus I think about him the most I think.

I'm about to talk about embarrassing sex stuff so stop reading if u don't want to hear.

I wish I had the opportunity to give Tim a better blow job. Dont laugh at me. I'm not gunna lie, I never really did them before so when I tried I felt like I was doing a shit job and didn't want to do it. Also 69 really distracting. Hard to concentrate on getting you off when all I want to do is enjoy the pleasure. I have now perfected my blowjobs lol. Ok I didn't perfect it, It's not like I went around giving free blow jobs. I also don't give head to all the guys I'm seeing. Only if they're special. I just decided to speak up with someone I was seeing. "Dude, I think I suck at blow jobs, and I don't want to do a bad job and look dumber then I already do." Turned out when I put my mind to it I'm awesome.

Most embarrassing sexual moment... prepare to be slightly grossed out... you know how I have a bad memory right? So i sit to go pee after sex and the tampon box was right in front of me... Oh shit, did I have a tampon in? He would have noticed right? That would explains why it was painful, I just thought I needed more lube... He laughed so hard. How did he not notice? My friends thought it was hilarious. I got some jokes for sure. It's like sliding a hot dog down the hallway. Fuck you guys ok. I know I feel good. Every guy, guaranteed has said how good I feel. I'm in the bathroom trying to see if it's all up in there. Turns out it was. They were like wish we could help and laughed.  I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed.  Thank god I got it eventually. I'm a fucking retard.

Troy... bah. It was great to see him. I know that it's pure lust every time I see him. I also know he's not meant to be mine. I didnt sleep with him last time and honestly I dont know If I would again. I'll take some of his cuddles tho for sure.

Got my 6mo STI results back... all clear. I dont make a habit of having unsafe sex. Troy was the last one and it was 6mo's ago. Oh and when I tell you how many guys I've slept with or that I'm not into my male roommate... Trust me, I'm not every other girl. I don't play the field. I don't fuck guy after guy. I turn down hot guys all the time. Oh and I just hate living with chicks. I always want to punch them for being retarded and jacking my shit. I much rather chill, play video games and drink and burn one then paint nails, play fashion show (they really do it, and I hate when the force me to play) and go shopping. Go slip ur heels on while I put on my sk8r shoes... I look cool and I'm comfortable. I wont lie, I have a couple pairs of heels that I whip out when I wanna dress up jeans or wear a dress. Doesn't happen often. Put on a suit and I'll put on a dress. How bout that.

The world is so fucked up. Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. I dont seem to realize how shitty it is till I'm baked and analyzing life.

Ben is in Jail... probably better off for him and everyone else if he stays there. At the same time I feel bad. I had nothing to do with any of it to be honest. He also has a drug problem, hard to be around that and stay clean. I avoid being around that cause when i'm drunk there's no willpower. I just want to party hard.

I hit on the telus guy fixing my internet cause he was cute, we exchanged numbers and fb... 3am rolls around and buddy tries to hit me up for a booty call. FOR FUCKS SAKES! Of course I shot him down, I was pissed. Wake my ass up at 3am when I don't know you. Ass hole.

After Tim everyone else was pretty dumb. With ridiculous drama in their life. Raising my standards again for sure. Tired of all the losers around. Same with shitty friends. I know I get obsessive over guys and it doesn't appear that I have the ability to cut people out of my life... when I've emotionally detached I'm done. I told Ben to leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. I now understand why I might be perceived as a creepy psycho. Cause I was acting like it for sure before. I grow this un healthy attachment to some guys. I actually feel bad at the same time I still think they're a holes. I've learned, I don't get attached if I don't sleep with them. So, don't sleep with them.

Now that I have guy friends I understand what they want. It helps for sure. Act cool and they always come back. They lose interest when I show I like them. Guess my personality changes. I go from being this cool chick to this needy bitch. That's not me. I do what I want when I want and I sure as hell don't need you.

Dear god, please help me .... with everything... I need direction.

All I keep thinking about is how much I need a vacation and how I'm terrible with budgeting money. I should take a class or something. This is what happens when you were raised by a shopaholic impulse buyer. I really need to go somewhere tropical. I'm hoping I can find a part time job. So I can save to go away for a few weeks next summer. So much I want and so little funds. Car, breast lift, Vacation, Uni.

I have a new cat, her name is Toby. She was Bens.. long story. Completely opposite of Cali.

I really hope my student loan is approved. I just applied for a cc too. I just want to get the ball rolling on my life. Between living in several countries, getting married, getting divorced, getting sick... my life has been at a standstill minus all the drama.

I don't know why I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I cut out the drama (men and shitty friends), my life  is pretty simple. I was thinking that, how I like living a simple life. How I'm most content being in nature. Meditation.

I hope I can get involved in some student activities, make new friends, get new hobbies.

Time to start a new path...