Every time I wake up and there's snow. I just wanna roll over into someones arms. Make him breakfast. Spend the day cuddling watching movies on the couch in front of the fireplace.
Then cook him dinner, he helps and wraps his arms around me while doing a little slow dance in the kitchen.
Romantic. I've never experienced romance.
I always think about the morning Tim woke up with me. I always wonder what it would be like to spend time with him again. If he's what I thought he was. I always hope one day he'll show up at my door. Whenever I see a black truck, whenever i drive down Edmonton trail, whenever I see someone in construction gear, I think of you.
Dumb to think about him so much, I only knew him for a month. Over a year ago.
I think If I had someone it wouldn't be an issue, but when I'm single I tend to analyze the past a lot.
The good memories hurt too, just reminds me of what I lost. Listen to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jKHIxBBfWU&feature=related
It's from "The Brave One" sound track. It made me so sad. She was engaged and in love. They got mugged in the park. He was killed and she was beaten so bad she was in a coma for weeks. The scene where they showed her and her fiance making love, and then she lost him. Reminds you of all the pain you've had.
It's hard to let myself cry. I can appear to be completely emotionless for months but eventually it comes out. Probably cried for a good 20min.
I tried to talk to the primary care giver I was referring to when I was talking to my therapist about what her and I had spoken about. It's hard talking to the person who hurt you the most about what they did. It's not the first time, but it's hard when they try to justify their reasoning. It's not justifiable, I forgave you but I never forgot.
Not the last time but the time before my therapist had asked me what keeps me pushing through the hard times, what keeps me going? I had to take that one home and mull it over. My answer was this "I want the life I deserve. I'm determined to have it" When my best friend back home tells people about me he cries. He's seen my whole life and all he tells people is she's been through so much but she keeps going.
My skin has been hurting for the last two weeks. If someone was to move a strand of hair off of my face, it would hurt. Of course i forget and i rub my eyes and oh yah it hurts. Shower is painful. The joys of my life.
I think I'm gunna go shovel my neighbors walk way, she's blind and her husband is elderly. Amazing to see them together. How much they love eachother.
Ben tried to call me yesterday. Friday I lost it on him and her. I spent the majority of my day in court waiting to see his trial. First time ever at court. I spent time listening to everyone elses case. There are some crazy ass mother fuckers in the world who like to beat the shit out of women. Heard some scary stories. One chick had to escape out the basement window while leaving her kids in the house with him, run to the neighbors and call the cops. One dude showe'd up on his ex's camping trip. Went in her tent and hit her in the face a couple times.
Anyway, turns out my ex friend over exaggerated on the first police statement because she wanted to get him in trouble. Then she amended it but it still wasn't the truth, so she amended it again. She may be charged with perjury. Fuckin serves her right. Then she acts all lovey dovey with him. I met Ben's friend. Another chick he attempted to date but never slept with. Smart woman. We compared notes. There's a lot we didn't know about him. Anyway I was pissed. Ben likes to run his mouth and cause problems. Which is why I cant talk to him about shit. He runs back to the ex friend and tells her. When she gets off the phone with him she calls me.
So she calls to see if I said something to him cause he said I said it. I Lost it. I was like I'm tired of this he said she said bullshit. I'm done I dont need this shit. I want my clothes back. He called. Then he was yelling at me. He said why are you lying. I wasnt, stupid piece of shit. I had forgotten what I was talking about as usual so I asked. What were we talking about? He knows i have a bad memory. He's like what, are you fucking stupid, gunna blame it on your illness again? I was saying something he's like blah blah blah. I screamed said I was fucking done with this shit and hung up on his ass in Jail.
So yesterday he tries to call. I missed the one early in the day. He tried to call after 10 which was weird. I thought they were on lock down after a certain time. I fell asleep with my phone in my hand cause it was on vibrate. He called, vibrating woke me up but startled me and I pushed the wrong button on the phone and disconnected the call lol. Fate intervening?
If I answer it and he yells, I'm going to block his ass next time he calls. I don't need his shit. He's good for nothing anyway. What a psycho.
So this guy on POF messages me this morning "$100 bucks for the panties you're currently wearing." Fucking sicko.
I have a few guys I'm talking to who seem interested and are looking for a relationship.I was asked on 3 dates today. Turned them all down. All cute. Blah, I cant be asked. All I've wanted was to go on a date. I'm in a mood this weekend. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to get shit on. I'm determined not to sleep with someone I'm not dating. It's pointless. That's what vibrators are for.
Anyway shall try not to spend the day as depressed as I was yesterday.
You know I have no life when I post on here frequently. My bff's, one got back with her ex so he takes up her time. The other one just got her own place and got the dogs from her ex and has a bf. Safe to say I spend a lot of time alone these days. I cant wait to start school.
My new roommates cool. We stay out of eachothers way. He spends most of his time playing video games or watchin sports. I love the new battlefield. We have cable and two pvrs. I never watch tv. Waste of life watching other people live. I do like movies tho.
Just rambling now. Had to clear my head and write it all down. Today will be a better day.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
ahh 2 many things
Too many things going on at once. I have a short attention span so I'm losing my mind. My thoughts are so unorganized. I'm all over the place... here's whats going on.
School- So since I'm disabled, when I filled out my loan they obviously ask. The school provides assisted services to the disabled. So I've been trying to deal with that. Turns out I shoulda talked to the dude at the University before filling out my loan... SHIT! I fucked shit up on my loan that I didn't know about. So now with all the documents from the school and another loan application filled out. Hopefully It gets approved in a timely manner. The disability is actually a grant not on my loan. I think up to 2g towards tuition and 8g towards supplies.
So here are the services the disability resource centre requested for me. If approved I will have a note taker, echo smartpen (cool shit, google it) and 25% extra testing time in the testing lab not in class. Based on how I'm doing the testing time can be changed. This is kinda a test run for the disability resources, It may be modified for Fall semseter. They go through a lot of questions in relation to your health and how it's currently affecting you. None of the assistance given to you shows up on your transcripts. It's all private. Obv theres a lot more to it then that. So I was running around all over campus today, no idea where I was going. Pretty sure I stopped in every other building for directions haha. I needed to pull a Joey and get into the map (friends reference). Anyway there's a lot more too it then that and I've been running around trying to take care of everything. School without supplies or books $5,500 for 3 classes.*gulp ... 7-9 years to go... shit son.
Sleep group- One of the classes I'm taking at the chronic pain centre (my specialists). It's to better improve your sleep. Man, I have to change so many of my habits. Cant smoke, drink, caffeine. Can't be in bed for more then 15min, if u cant sleep you get back up. If you're having sex it's cool (I obv didnt ask that) but those are the only times you're allowed to be in bed.. I do everything in bed. It's more comfortable then the couch.. We talk about the medications we're on and our current routine we're on. This is an 5 wk course. I have a sleep diary to track my sleep. I let everyone know weed helps with chronic pain and sleep issues. One of the other pills I'm on is a weed substitute, for instance If I go abroad and dont have weed, this should tide me over. It's called Nabilone. Changing my sleep habbits are going to cause more pain for a few months, based on the techniques they want you to use... better spare my friends I'll be a bitch and to stay away lol. Na they usually know when I'm in pain.
I start relaxation group tomorrow.
My mom- had surgery a cpl weeks ago. So I've been dealing with her over the phone while she's all f'd on pain killers. FYI people say some f'd up shit when they are on pills. Another FYI, if you talk to me after I take my sleeping pills anytime before I wake up. I wont remember a thing. Conversations, what I did. I mean it's like that during the day but it's kinda like I black out and I'm on auto pilot. I've been on these pills since I lived in England. Long time, when I first got diagnosed.
My friends have so much drama going on they stress me out. WHY AM I THE GO TO PERSON?! I may be a psycho but everyone comes to me for advice and I never take theirs... sometimes I wish I did.
Therapy- So I had a breakthrough with my therapist. If you know me, I keep my past vague. I hate talking about it. I'll tell you everything but what you need to know lol. Last time she asked if I'd be willing to discuss it with her the next time I saw her. After that apt I rescheduled one because Ben spent the night with me and I'd be damned if I left him in my house unattended (shoulda saw that as a red flag). Second time I f'd it up I was looking at December instead of November. FUCK! So I finally saw her a month later. I try and go every two weeks. I layed it out for her. Was pretty much in tears the whole session. Finally gave her a hug. For a second there she kinda asked if I needed sex addiction therapy. Bahahaha, I was like I've only slept with 10 people. She's like, Ever? I was like yah ( "I was like", I'm such a valley girl, it's annoying) She's like you were faithful your whole marriage. I was like, yah. She seemed relieved hahaha.
So in discussing my past I explained to her the sexual things that happened. It's fucked. How many 7yr olds do you know that have told their parents they're a lesbian? There's a reason I said that but that's besides the point. The physical abuse I faced, the drugs. My sister, her father, my father, my siblings and foster siblings. My failed marriage and getting sick in my marriage. Moving country to country. Being diagnosed at 22. Moving again and getting sick again. Having been married to a cop and now I date criminals... wtf is that? It's not on purpose. Apparently criminals are hot...
She now has a full picture of why I am the way I am. I get told what a kind gentle loving person I am from her all the time. Just the day before I was on my way to my physio apt and I saw a little old lady struggling to carry a box. So I took it off her hands and walked her to where she needed to go. It's called manners.
Anyway my therapist and I are going to work on my attachment issues and letting people go. Apparently the lack of care and abuse from my primary care giver, has unknowingly caused me to let people hurt me and keep them around because that's all I know. Because that's what it was like with my family. They hurt me and I had to be there. I also dont let people go, because I feel the need to let them know I care and love them as a person and they arent alone. I do it in a psycho way sometimes (working on that). Why I keep Ben in my life. I feel like he's all alone so I want to be there for him but at my expense because all he does is hurt me. Same with my marriage. I couldn't walk away, I wanted to, but he had to be the one to do it. Anyway, my homework is to make a red flag chart. So I can refer to my list, If they fit any of my red flag criteria, cut em loose. One for friends the other for relationships.
Physio- We went over some workouts I do in the gym to make sure I'm not causing any more pain on accident. Turns out I'm awesome, duh didnt u know? :P We did some balance board work. Squats on the balance board. Ouch thighs were sore for sure. Then just my regular physio homework to continue. I was talking to her about primatology she got all excited and told me to read this one book.
Other doctors, they upd my meds, as usual. I'm hoping to come off the sleeping one eventually.
Ben- Still in Jail. He's supposed to have court on Fri but he's being a fucking douche. Fuck his face. I'm tired of him saying he gives a shit but not even making the effort. You want your cat back? I want my $300 and the cost to look after Tobi the cat. As far as I'm concerned he left her here for me to take care of. Now I love her so he cant have her back. I wouldn't be surprised if he stays in Jail for all the shit he's done. The ex friend he slept with and then made his gf for only 2wks has been contacting me updating me. She gave up on him now after what he did to her. Serves both of them right. I'm still not taking her back. YOU DO NOT FUCK SOMEONE I HAVE SLEPT WITH!!!! Had he not been such a shit head, I probably woulda punched her in the face. She said shes glad the drama has been going on cause she gets to talk to me and she doesnt know what she's going to do when it stops. Cause I wont be talking to her anymore. She sacrafised a lot to be a fucktard and fuck the guy I was sleeping with... I fucking warned her how he was and guess what. He never hit me out of anger, but her.... Anyway, fuck face doesnt give a shit so I'm keeping the cat and not going to visit him in jail. Not like he gives a fuck. He said he was gunna climb my balcony. I'll take the bat to his face. Trust me, I got one after all this shit went down. Fuck em all and that situation. When he stops calling me from jail, that would be nice. I'd block it but i told u how I feel like I have to be there for everyone... he'll stop soon, cause he doesn't give a fuck.
My brother (adopted/foster) is spiraling down hill. He had a suicide attempt a few years ago so I worry about him. He has a son now. He was in school, my nephew was sorted. He was having problems with his woman. He went back for a funeral for his biological grandmother. Now he's thinking about moving to PA, picking them up and going. Wth? He dropped out of school, got a job then lost it... Please please please dont relapse. I love him so much.
My sister, still with her bf in their place. They're doin alright. I don't worry too much about her unless my mom calls me to fill me in on her situation. If I have money, I'll send it. When I first got started I needed help. I know what its like. Glad when I can help.
I really wish my friends understood my illness better. It's frustrating, I cant do everything everyone else can. Sometimes they don't understand my limitations. It's rare when someone tells me I don't make the effort. I do the best I can, like I said to her. You cant accept me for me, you can walk. I don't get attached to friends easily. All I've done my whole life. Pick up and leave everyone else behind.
The single life- message after message from guys with washboard stomachs and hot faces asking me if I want to hook up. I NEED A FUCKING DATE!! This may be one of the only times I say this but... FUCK SEX! Tired of guys thinking that's all I'm good for. Piss off u fucking twats (acceptable to say in the uk, also cunt in Oz lol). Yes I have long blonde hair, big boobs and a huge ass... but seriously. I try and think of guys as horny dogs. It makes me cut them a little more slack. Whatever. I stay logged on and walk away. I get more messages that way haha. Honestly I'm hoping to meet someone on campus. If not whatevs. Too busy rn. So exhausted. I'm contemplating bed at 7pm.
I'm trying to get my workouts goin. I've done jack the majority of the yr in regards to losing weight.
Well, that's my life right now.
School- So since I'm disabled, when I filled out my loan they obviously ask. The school provides assisted services to the disabled. So I've been trying to deal with that. Turns out I shoulda talked to the dude at the University before filling out my loan... SHIT! I fucked shit up on my loan that I didn't know about. So now with all the documents from the school and another loan application filled out. Hopefully It gets approved in a timely manner. The disability is actually a grant not on my loan. I think up to 2g towards tuition and 8g towards supplies.
So here are the services the disability resource centre requested for me. If approved I will have a note taker, echo smartpen (cool shit, google it) and 25% extra testing time in the testing lab not in class. Based on how I'm doing the testing time can be changed. This is kinda a test run for the disability resources, It may be modified for Fall semseter. They go through a lot of questions in relation to your health and how it's currently affecting you. None of the assistance given to you shows up on your transcripts. It's all private. Obv theres a lot more to it then that. So I was running around all over campus today, no idea where I was going. Pretty sure I stopped in every other building for directions haha. I needed to pull a Joey and get into the map (friends reference). Anyway there's a lot more too it then that and I've been running around trying to take care of everything. School without supplies or books $5,500 for 3 classes.*gulp ... 7-9 years to go... shit son.
Sleep group- One of the classes I'm taking at the chronic pain centre (my specialists). It's to better improve your sleep. Man, I have to change so many of my habits. Cant smoke, drink, caffeine. Can't be in bed for more then 15min, if u cant sleep you get back up. If you're having sex it's cool (I obv didnt ask that) but those are the only times you're allowed to be in bed.. I do everything in bed. It's more comfortable then the couch.. We talk about the medications we're on and our current routine we're on. This is an 5 wk course. I have a sleep diary to track my sleep. I let everyone know weed helps with chronic pain and sleep issues. One of the other pills I'm on is a weed substitute, for instance If I go abroad and dont have weed, this should tide me over. It's called Nabilone. Changing my sleep habbits are going to cause more pain for a few months, based on the techniques they want you to use... better spare my friends I'll be a bitch and to stay away lol. Na they usually know when I'm in pain.
I start relaxation group tomorrow.
My mom- had surgery a cpl weeks ago. So I've been dealing with her over the phone while she's all f'd on pain killers. FYI people say some f'd up shit when they are on pills. Another FYI, if you talk to me after I take my sleeping pills anytime before I wake up. I wont remember a thing. Conversations, what I did. I mean it's like that during the day but it's kinda like I black out and I'm on auto pilot. I've been on these pills since I lived in England. Long time, when I first got diagnosed.
My friends have so much drama going on they stress me out. WHY AM I THE GO TO PERSON?! I may be a psycho but everyone comes to me for advice and I never take theirs... sometimes I wish I did.
Therapy- So I had a breakthrough with my therapist. If you know me, I keep my past vague. I hate talking about it. I'll tell you everything but what you need to know lol. Last time she asked if I'd be willing to discuss it with her the next time I saw her. After that apt I rescheduled one because Ben spent the night with me and I'd be damned if I left him in my house unattended (shoulda saw that as a red flag). Second time I f'd it up I was looking at December instead of November. FUCK! So I finally saw her a month later. I try and go every two weeks. I layed it out for her. Was pretty much in tears the whole session. Finally gave her a hug. For a second there she kinda asked if I needed sex addiction therapy. Bahahaha, I was like I've only slept with 10 people. She's like, Ever? I was like yah ( "I was like", I'm such a valley girl, it's annoying) She's like you were faithful your whole marriage. I was like, yah. She seemed relieved hahaha.
So in discussing my past I explained to her the sexual things that happened. It's fucked. How many 7yr olds do you know that have told their parents they're a lesbian? There's a reason I said that but that's besides the point. The physical abuse I faced, the drugs. My sister, her father, my father, my siblings and foster siblings. My failed marriage and getting sick in my marriage. Moving country to country. Being diagnosed at 22. Moving again and getting sick again. Having been married to a cop and now I date criminals... wtf is that? It's not on purpose. Apparently criminals are hot...
She now has a full picture of why I am the way I am. I get told what a kind gentle loving person I am from her all the time. Just the day before I was on my way to my physio apt and I saw a little old lady struggling to carry a box. So I took it off her hands and walked her to where she needed to go. It's called manners.
Anyway my therapist and I are going to work on my attachment issues and letting people go. Apparently the lack of care and abuse from my primary care giver, has unknowingly caused me to let people hurt me and keep them around because that's all I know. Because that's what it was like with my family. They hurt me and I had to be there. I also dont let people go, because I feel the need to let them know I care and love them as a person and they arent alone. I do it in a psycho way sometimes (working on that). Why I keep Ben in my life. I feel like he's all alone so I want to be there for him but at my expense because all he does is hurt me. Same with my marriage. I couldn't walk away, I wanted to, but he had to be the one to do it. Anyway, my homework is to make a red flag chart. So I can refer to my list, If they fit any of my red flag criteria, cut em loose. One for friends the other for relationships.
Physio- We went over some workouts I do in the gym to make sure I'm not causing any more pain on accident. Turns out I'm awesome, duh didnt u know? :P We did some balance board work. Squats on the balance board. Ouch thighs were sore for sure. Then just my regular physio homework to continue. I was talking to her about primatology she got all excited and told me to read this one book.
Other doctors, they upd my meds, as usual. I'm hoping to come off the sleeping one eventually.
Ben- Still in Jail. He's supposed to have court on Fri but he's being a fucking douche. Fuck his face. I'm tired of him saying he gives a shit but not even making the effort. You want your cat back? I want my $300 and the cost to look after Tobi the cat. As far as I'm concerned he left her here for me to take care of. Now I love her so he cant have her back. I wouldn't be surprised if he stays in Jail for all the shit he's done. The ex friend he slept with and then made his gf for only 2wks has been contacting me updating me. She gave up on him now after what he did to her. Serves both of them right. I'm still not taking her back. YOU DO NOT FUCK SOMEONE I HAVE SLEPT WITH!!!! Had he not been such a shit head, I probably woulda punched her in the face. She said shes glad the drama has been going on cause she gets to talk to me and she doesnt know what she's going to do when it stops. Cause I wont be talking to her anymore. She sacrafised a lot to be a fucktard and fuck the guy I was sleeping with... I fucking warned her how he was and guess what. He never hit me out of anger, but her.... Anyway, fuck face doesnt give a shit so I'm keeping the cat and not going to visit him in jail. Not like he gives a fuck. He said he was gunna climb my balcony. I'll take the bat to his face. Trust me, I got one after all this shit went down. Fuck em all and that situation. When he stops calling me from jail, that would be nice. I'd block it but i told u how I feel like I have to be there for everyone... he'll stop soon, cause he doesn't give a fuck.
My brother (adopted/foster) is spiraling down hill. He had a suicide attempt a few years ago so I worry about him. He has a son now. He was in school, my nephew was sorted. He was having problems with his woman. He went back for a funeral for his biological grandmother. Now he's thinking about moving to PA, picking them up and going. Wth? He dropped out of school, got a job then lost it... Please please please dont relapse. I love him so much.
My sister, still with her bf in their place. They're doin alright. I don't worry too much about her unless my mom calls me to fill me in on her situation. If I have money, I'll send it. When I first got started I needed help. I know what its like. Glad when I can help.
I really wish my friends understood my illness better. It's frustrating, I cant do everything everyone else can. Sometimes they don't understand my limitations. It's rare when someone tells me I don't make the effort. I do the best I can, like I said to her. You cant accept me for me, you can walk. I don't get attached to friends easily. All I've done my whole life. Pick up and leave everyone else behind.
The single life- message after message from guys with washboard stomachs and hot faces asking me if I want to hook up. I NEED A FUCKING DATE!! This may be one of the only times I say this but... FUCK SEX! Tired of guys thinking that's all I'm good for. Piss off u fucking twats (acceptable to say in the uk, also cunt in Oz lol). Yes I have long blonde hair, big boobs and a huge ass... but seriously. I try and think of guys as horny dogs. It makes me cut them a little more slack. Whatever. I stay logged on and walk away. I get more messages that way haha. Honestly I'm hoping to meet someone on campus. If not whatevs. Too busy rn. So exhausted. I'm contemplating bed at 7pm.
I'm trying to get my workouts goin. I've done jack the majority of the yr in regards to losing weight.
Well, that's my life right now.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
U of C
Ok, I am so excited to start school. I'm also nervous. I keep thinking, what if I invest all of this money and I cant hack it. What if I wont be able to work full time? Or in the field. I really want to work in the field and travel. Obviously not thinking about what if I had a family when getting into field work. I figure I shouldn't factor that into my career choice, cause who the hell knows if it'll ever happen. What if the career I'm choosing is the wrong one? I keep thinking, once I get started I may not actually have room for someone in my life. School/ Dr's apts/ gym/ medical classes/ friends/ r&r so I don't get sicker.
I've decided who the hell cares. I cant spend my life doing nothing. I hate having nothing to look forward to. The days are so long. Life is boring and I'm wasting precious days I'll never see again.
Tim, looks like he toned up. Nice pecs bud. So I've rated my guys and Tim for sure takes the number 1 spot. 2 is Troy... After2 I cant decide who gets what lol. Tim is 1 cause he's good in bed, good personality, super hot. Plus I think about him the most I think.
I'm about to talk about embarrassing sex stuff so stop reading if u don't want to hear.
I wish I had the opportunity to give Tim a better blow job. Dont laugh at me. I'm not gunna lie, I never really did them before so when I tried I felt like I was doing a shit job and didn't want to do it. Also 69 really distracting. Hard to concentrate on getting you off when all I want to do is enjoy the pleasure. I have now perfected my blowjobs lol. Ok I didn't perfect it, It's not like I went around giving free blow jobs. I also don't give head to all the guys I'm seeing. Only if they're special. I just decided to speak up with someone I was seeing. "Dude, I think I suck at blow jobs, and I don't want to do a bad job and look dumber then I already do." Turned out when I put my mind to it I'm awesome.
Most embarrassing sexual moment... prepare to be slightly grossed out... you know how I have a bad memory right? So i sit to go pee after sex and the tampon box was right in front of me... Oh shit, did I have a tampon in? He would have noticed right? That would explains why it was painful, I just thought I needed more lube... He laughed so hard. How did he not notice? My friends thought it was hilarious. I got some jokes for sure. It's like sliding a hot dog down the hallway. Fuck you guys ok. I know I feel good. Every guy, guaranteed has said how good I feel. I'm in the bathroom trying to see if it's all up in there. Turns out it was. They were like wish we could help and laughed. I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed. Thank god I got it eventually. I'm a fucking retard.
Troy... bah. It was great to see him. I know that it's pure lust every time I see him. I also know he's not meant to be mine. I didnt sleep with him last time and honestly I dont know If I would again. I'll take some of his cuddles tho for sure.
Got my 6mo STI results back... all clear. I dont make a habit of having unsafe sex. Troy was the last one and it was 6mo's ago. Oh and when I tell you how many guys I've slept with or that I'm not into my male roommate... Trust me, I'm not every other girl. I don't play the field. I don't fuck guy after guy. I turn down hot guys all the time. Oh and I just hate living with chicks. I always want to punch them for being retarded and jacking my shit. I much rather chill, play video games and drink and burn one then paint nails, play fashion show (they really do it, and I hate when the force me to play) and go shopping. Go slip ur heels on while I put on my sk8r shoes... I look cool and I'm comfortable. I wont lie, I have a couple pairs of heels that I whip out when I wanna dress up jeans or wear a dress. Doesn't happen often. Put on a suit and I'll put on a dress. How bout that.
The world is so fucked up. Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. I dont seem to realize how shitty it is till I'm baked and analyzing life.
Ben is in Jail... probably better off for him and everyone else if he stays there. At the same time I feel bad. I had nothing to do with any of it to be honest. He also has a drug problem, hard to be around that and stay clean. I avoid being around that cause when i'm drunk there's no willpower. I just want to party hard.
I hit on the telus guy fixing my internet cause he was cute, we exchanged numbers and fb... 3am rolls around and buddy tries to hit me up for a booty call. FOR FUCKS SAKES! Of course I shot him down, I was pissed. Wake my ass up at 3am when I don't know you. Ass hole.
After Tim everyone else was pretty dumb. With ridiculous drama in their life. Raising my standards again for sure. Tired of all the losers around. Same with shitty friends. I know I get obsessive over guys and it doesn't appear that I have the ability to cut people out of my life... when I've emotionally detached I'm done. I told Ben to leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. I now understand why I might be perceived as a creepy psycho. Cause I was acting like it for sure before. I grow this un healthy attachment to some guys. I actually feel bad at the same time I still think they're a holes. I've learned, I don't get attached if I don't sleep with them. So, don't sleep with them.
Now that I have guy friends I understand what they want. It helps for sure. Act cool and they always come back. They lose interest when I show I like them. Guess my personality changes. I go from being this cool chick to this needy bitch. That's not me. I do what I want when I want and I sure as hell don't need you.
Dear god, please help me .... with everything... I need direction.
All I keep thinking about is how much I need a vacation and how I'm terrible with budgeting money. I should take a class or something. This is what happens when you were raised by a shopaholic impulse buyer. I really need to go somewhere tropical. I'm hoping I can find a part time job. So I can save to go away for a few weeks next summer. So much I want and so little funds. Car, breast lift, Vacation, Uni.
I have a new cat, her name is Toby. She was Bens.. long story. Completely opposite of Cali.
I really hope my student loan is approved. I just applied for a cc too. I just want to get the ball rolling on my life. Between living in several countries, getting married, getting divorced, getting sick... my life has been at a standstill minus all the drama.
I don't know why I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I cut out the drama (men and shitty friends), my life is pretty simple. I was thinking that, how I like living a simple life. How I'm most content being in nature. Meditation.
I hope I can get involved in some student activities, make new friends, get new hobbies.
Time to start a new path...
I've decided who the hell cares. I cant spend my life doing nothing. I hate having nothing to look forward to. The days are so long. Life is boring and I'm wasting precious days I'll never see again.
Tim, looks like he toned up. Nice pecs bud. So I've rated my guys and Tim for sure takes the number 1 spot. 2 is Troy... After2 I cant decide who gets what lol. Tim is 1 cause he's good in bed, good personality, super hot. Plus I think about him the most I think.
I'm about to talk about embarrassing sex stuff so stop reading if u don't want to hear.
I wish I had the opportunity to give Tim a better blow job. Dont laugh at me. I'm not gunna lie, I never really did them before so when I tried I felt like I was doing a shit job and didn't want to do it. Also 69 really distracting. Hard to concentrate on getting you off when all I want to do is enjoy the pleasure. I have now perfected my blowjobs lol. Ok I didn't perfect it, It's not like I went around giving free blow jobs. I also don't give head to all the guys I'm seeing. Only if they're special. I just decided to speak up with someone I was seeing. "Dude, I think I suck at blow jobs, and I don't want to do a bad job and look dumber then I already do." Turned out when I put my mind to it I'm awesome.
Most embarrassing sexual moment... prepare to be slightly grossed out... you know how I have a bad memory right? So i sit to go pee after sex and the tampon box was right in front of me... Oh shit, did I have a tampon in? He would have noticed right? That would explains why it was painful, I just thought I needed more lube... He laughed so hard. How did he not notice? My friends thought it was hilarious. I got some jokes for sure. It's like sliding a hot dog down the hallway. Fuck you guys ok. I know I feel good. Every guy, guaranteed has said how good I feel. I'm in the bathroom trying to see if it's all up in there. Turns out it was. They were like wish we could help and laughed. I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed. Thank god I got it eventually. I'm a fucking retard.
Troy... bah. It was great to see him. I know that it's pure lust every time I see him. I also know he's not meant to be mine. I didnt sleep with him last time and honestly I dont know If I would again. I'll take some of his cuddles tho for sure.
Got my 6mo STI results back... all clear. I dont make a habit of having unsafe sex. Troy was the last one and it was 6mo's ago. Oh and when I tell you how many guys I've slept with or that I'm not into my male roommate... Trust me, I'm not every other girl. I don't play the field. I don't fuck guy after guy. I turn down hot guys all the time. Oh and I just hate living with chicks. I always want to punch them for being retarded and jacking my shit. I much rather chill, play video games and drink and burn one then paint nails, play fashion show (they really do it, and I hate when the force me to play) and go shopping. Go slip ur heels on while I put on my sk8r shoes... I look cool and I'm comfortable. I wont lie, I have a couple pairs of heels that I whip out when I wanna dress up jeans or wear a dress. Doesn't happen often. Put on a suit and I'll put on a dress. How bout that.
The world is so fucked up. Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. I dont seem to realize how shitty it is till I'm baked and analyzing life.
Ben is in Jail... probably better off for him and everyone else if he stays there. At the same time I feel bad. I had nothing to do with any of it to be honest. He also has a drug problem, hard to be around that and stay clean. I avoid being around that cause when i'm drunk there's no willpower. I just want to party hard.
I hit on the telus guy fixing my internet cause he was cute, we exchanged numbers and fb... 3am rolls around and buddy tries to hit me up for a booty call. FOR FUCKS SAKES! Of course I shot him down, I was pissed. Wake my ass up at 3am when I don't know you. Ass hole.
After Tim everyone else was pretty dumb. With ridiculous drama in their life. Raising my standards again for sure. Tired of all the losers around. Same with shitty friends. I know I get obsessive over guys and it doesn't appear that I have the ability to cut people out of my life... when I've emotionally detached I'm done. I told Ben to leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. I now understand why I might be perceived as a creepy psycho. Cause I was acting like it for sure before. I grow this un healthy attachment to some guys. I actually feel bad at the same time I still think they're a holes. I've learned, I don't get attached if I don't sleep with them. So, don't sleep with them.
Now that I have guy friends I understand what they want. It helps for sure. Act cool and they always come back. They lose interest when I show I like them. Guess my personality changes. I go from being this cool chick to this needy bitch. That's not me. I do what I want when I want and I sure as hell don't need you.
Dear god, please help me .... with everything... I need direction.
All I keep thinking about is how much I need a vacation and how I'm terrible with budgeting money. I should take a class or something. This is what happens when you were raised by a shopaholic impulse buyer. I really need to go somewhere tropical. I'm hoping I can find a part time job. So I can save to go away for a few weeks next summer. So much I want and so little funds. Car, breast lift, Vacation, Uni.
I have a new cat, her name is Toby. She was Bens.. long story. Completely opposite of Cali.
I really hope my student loan is approved. I just applied for a cc too. I just want to get the ball rolling on my life. Between living in several countries, getting married, getting divorced, getting sick... my life has been at a standstill minus all the drama.
I don't know why I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I cut out the drama (men and shitty friends), my life is pretty simple. I was thinking that, how I like living a simple life. How I'm most content being in nature. Meditation.
I hope I can get involved in some student activities, make new friends, get new hobbies.
Time to start a new path...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Subscribed readers
Hey if you guys read my blog and are followers please subscribe yourself to my list. It's nice to know my readers. I know I have a few of you that follow my posts. Top right hand corner ^_^ you may all think I'm crazy but I appreciate you reading LOL.
On the plus side to drama drama drama I lost 6lbs due to stress this week. Dont worry I have been eating, just not too much because it's been hard to keep anything down. You shoulda seen me shaking yest. What a mess. Stupid central nervous system problems lol.
Troy was a no show, surprise surprise.
My best friends, childhood best friend had a baby so we're going to the baby shower today. I always wonder what the father looks like when you meet a single parent mom and her child. I wonder what they'll grow up to look like. I couldnt imagine having a child in my early 20's. She's fortunate to have her families support.
My cousin in NJ her best friend died yesterday of a drug overdose. May he rest in peace. His gf also her best friend is expecting her first child, please pray for her. I can only imagine. Sobriety is a daily struggle for people with addictions, no matter how long you've been clean.
I'm doin ok, I've put a guard up right now. Pretty emotionless in regards to everything. Meh, life goes on.
This too shall pass
גם זה יעבור (hebrew)
On the plus side to drama drama drama I lost 6lbs due to stress this week. Dont worry I have been eating, just not too much because it's been hard to keep anything down. You shoulda seen me shaking yest. What a mess. Stupid central nervous system problems lol.
Troy was a no show, surprise surprise.
My best friends, childhood best friend had a baby so we're going to the baby shower today. I always wonder what the father looks like when you meet a single parent mom and her child. I wonder what they'll grow up to look like. I couldnt imagine having a child in my early 20's. She's fortunate to have her families support.
My cousin in NJ her best friend died yesterday of a drug overdose. May he rest in peace. His gf also her best friend is expecting her first child, please pray for her. I can only imagine. Sobriety is a daily struggle for people with addictions, no matter how long you've been clean.
I'm doin ok, I've put a guard up right now. Pretty emotionless in regards to everything. Meh, life goes on.
This too shall pass
גם זה יעבור (hebrew)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Willpower
Where to start...
I joined the gym, I'm working out at Talisman. Feels so good to be back in the gym. I always forget what a difference it makes with the fybromyalgia. I'd tell u how much I weigh but I'm ashamed. Not like it was a wasted effort, losing all the weight. It's still a setback I should've lost weight not gained weight. I can get back to where I was realistically by xmas. Same place I was last year. I wanna start doing thai chi again. I love it.
I'm trying to get out more. Meet different kinds of people. My girls have me going out one night on the weekend. They never keep me out more then 3hrs cause they know I'll be wiped out. It's been nice to dance, for sure. It's like one of my favorite things. Tho I think i need to learn something new, ass shaking can only get you so far. I'm like the glue that keeps my friends together. It's funny how the dynamics of all of my friendships have changed over the years. I'm glad it did tho, I love my friends. We finally, finally hit up the Alley, guess what... they loved it. All that bitching for nothing.
One of my friends had me go on a blind date with them. Some dude she met online but was too intimidated by his hotness to go by herself. You know me, I can talk to anyone. So she tells the dude my "boyfriend" broke up with me. As I predicted he tried to cancel but she told him no, cause obviously me coming was the purpose. Buddy bashed me the whole date for being there. Fortunately I'm a good sport. I was like, dude u owe me. It was actually pretty entertaining.
I grabbed a coffee with my ex husband about a week and a half ago to catch up. He's getting remarried next summer. I'm really happy for him. Congrats guys. I wish you the best. Gods honest truth he seemed genuinly happy and thats all I ever wanted for him. We both knew we werent right for eachother and had everything not happened the way it had he might never have found the one he was really meant to be with and I might not have ever had my two best friends who are now family to me.
My love life... fuck me
So much shit happened with Ben I don't even know where to begin. It turned out to be pretty fucked up to be honest. All I'm going to say is that it hurts to think about him or talk to him. He's been texting me but I haven't responded. I figure if he really cares, which he doesn't.. he knows where I live. I have to learn to let go at some point. It's pointless caring about people who don't care about themselves or me. I felt like he was letting me in, he actually cried in front of me. It's too fucking complicated. It's so hard not to talk to him but it's pointless. He's probably just bored.
Everyone is testing my willpower this week. I quit Ben and he keeps texting me, I quit smoking again and I tell my gf and she's like fuck that ur coming for a smoke. Then I leave the gym and my other friend goes to Timmies and gave me shit for not getting anything. Dudes... I'm trying not to falter and it's so hard with all these temptations... I just gotta make it a week and then it'll be smooth sailing.
I'll find someone eventually. Why was Tim the most normal one? That's what I'm looking for. That's probably why he left, cause he was sane lol. I creep his pof. He's a cutie, no washboard stomach but it doesn't bother me. He's got big muscular arms. I could've cuddled with that guy all day long. It's been a year this month... yah I think it's pretty clear I'll never see him again lmao. At least he values my opinion even if he doesn't talk back.
My therapist is trying to break down the wall I put up. Parts of my past are starting to creep into my present. Things I buried away and never talk about with anyone. Here's the problem, I don't remember a lot of my childhood and I don't associate things with past issues until I dream about it and I connect the dots. Also I still don't want to talk about it.. with anyone.. which is why I haven't.
A lot of weird situations have come up lately... like life is testing me to see if I'll make the same mistakes twice... fuck that!
I'm getting a St Jude pendant, patron st of lost causes. I think that suits me. My second cousin is sending it to me cause she's awesome. Plus I'm pretty sure they're Catholic.
I need some excitement... dear god please send someone new into my life who is spontaneous, trust worthy, sane, and happy, if it's a romantic interest add attractive and affectionate. Amen.
I joined the gym, I'm working out at Talisman. Feels so good to be back in the gym. I always forget what a difference it makes with the fybromyalgia. I'd tell u how much I weigh but I'm ashamed. Not like it was a wasted effort, losing all the weight. It's still a setback I should've lost weight not gained weight. I can get back to where I was realistically by xmas. Same place I was last year. I wanna start doing thai chi again. I love it.
I'm trying to get out more. Meet different kinds of people. My girls have me going out one night on the weekend. They never keep me out more then 3hrs cause they know I'll be wiped out. It's been nice to dance, for sure. It's like one of my favorite things. Tho I think i need to learn something new, ass shaking can only get you so far. I'm like the glue that keeps my friends together. It's funny how the dynamics of all of my friendships have changed over the years. I'm glad it did tho, I love my friends. We finally, finally hit up the Alley, guess what... they loved it. All that bitching for nothing.
One of my friends had me go on a blind date with them. Some dude she met online but was too intimidated by his hotness to go by herself. You know me, I can talk to anyone. So she tells the dude my "boyfriend" broke up with me. As I predicted he tried to cancel but she told him no, cause obviously me coming was the purpose. Buddy bashed me the whole date for being there. Fortunately I'm a good sport. I was like, dude u owe me. It was actually pretty entertaining.
I grabbed a coffee with my ex husband about a week and a half ago to catch up. He's getting remarried next summer. I'm really happy for him. Congrats guys. I wish you the best. Gods honest truth he seemed genuinly happy and thats all I ever wanted for him. We both knew we werent right for eachother and had everything not happened the way it had he might never have found the one he was really meant to be with and I might not have ever had my two best friends who are now family to me.
My love life... fuck me
So much shit happened with Ben I don't even know where to begin. It turned out to be pretty fucked up to be honest. All I'm going to say is that it hurts to think about him or talk to him. He's been texting me but I haven't responded. I figure if he really cares, which he doesn't.. he knows where I live. I have to learn to let go at some point. It's pointless caring about people who don't care about themselves or me. I felt like he was letting me in, he actually cried in front of me. It's too fucking complicated. It's so hard not to talk to him but it's pointless. He's probably just bored.
Everyone is testing my willpower this week. I quit Ben and he keeps texting me, I quit smoking again and I tell my gf and she's like fuck that ur coming for a smoke. Then I leave the gym and my other friend goes to Timmies and gave me shit for not getting anything. Dudes... I'm trying not to falter and it's so hard with all these temptations... I just gotta make it a week and then it'll be smooth sailing.
I'll find someone eventually. Why was Tim the most normal one? That's what I'm looking for. That's probably why he left, cause he was sane lol. I creep his pof. He's a cutie, no washboard stomach but it doesn't bother me. He's got big muscular arms. I could've cuddled with that guy all day long. It's been a year this month... yah I think it's pretty clear I'll never see him again lmao. At least he values my opinion even if he doesn't talk back.
My therapist is trying to break down the wall I put up. Parts of my past are starting to creep into my present. Things I buried away and never talk about with anyone. Here's the problem, I don't remember a lot of my childhood and I don't associate things with past issues until I dream about it and I connect the dots. Also I still don't want to talk about it.. with anyone.. which is why I haven't.
A lot of weird situations have come up lately... like life is testing me to see if I'll make the same mistakes twice... fuck that!
I'm getting a St Jude pendant, patron st of lost causes. I think that suits me. My second cousin is sending it to me cause she's awesome. Plus I'm pretty sure they're Catholic.
I need some excitement... dear god please send someone new into my life who is spontaneous, trust worthy, sane, and happy, if it's a romantic interest add attractive and affectionate. Amen.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Numb
Aish was approved. They're back paying me to April. EI just came through. I got my clit pierced, hurt. I'm applying at U of C, I met with the guidance counselor.
I'm not seeing Ben anymore. He made up some BS excuse and accused me when he was the guilty one. Said he wanted to be friends then treated me like crap. I deleted him from FB and have every intent at ignoring him if he tries to contact me. No matter how much I want to see him. I spent so much time with him during those 2.5 weeks. He acted like we were together. Totally hurts, couldn't get out of bed Saturday night. Cried so much. My best friends came over to console me. I feel like I need to cry td but It wont come out.
I never feel adequate enough for anyone. I'm so hard on myself all the time. I have very high expectations of myself, that I'm not meeting. Doesn't help that he judged me and had no right to given his background.
I have to have an emergency ultrasound today, I was bleeding for over 14 days and they had to give me pills to stop it. Sometimes I wonder why god put me on this earth to give me so many health problems? It's either a hormonal problem, thyroid, or a growth in my womb. They did a pregnancy test which was negative, which is exactly what I expected since I would have been knocked up nearly 5 mo's ago. I'll update u on the results.
I'm not seeing Ben anymore. He made up some BS excuse and accused me when he was the guilty one. Said he wanted to be friends then treated me like crap. I deleted him from FB and have every intent at ignoring him if he tries to contact me. No matter how much I want to see him. I spent so much time with him during those 2.5 weeks. He acted like we were together. Totally hurts, couldn't get out of bed Saturday night. Cried so much. My best friends came over to console me. I feel like I need to cry td but It wont come out.
I never feel adequate enough for anyone. I'm so hard on myself all the time. I have very high expectations of myself, that I'm not meeting. Doesn't help that he judged me and had no right to given his background.
I have to have an emergency ultrasound today, I was bleeding for over 14 days and they had to give me pills to stop it. Sometimes I wonder why god put me on this earth to give me so many health problems? It's either a hormonal problem, thyroid, or a growth in my womb. They did a pregnancy test which was negative, which is exactly what I expected since I would have been knocked up nearly 5 mo's ago. I'll update u on the results.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Letting go...
I dreampt about Tim. We had this long conversation. I dont think I've ever dreampt about him.
I have to let him go. It's been a year next month. What I dont understand is why he doesnt block me. Why does he still read the messages I send him?
I was talking to my mom about it. She knows about all the guys I've slept with. I was telling her all I want to do is let him go but I dont know how. Every time I start something new with someone I think about Tim. I dont understand why I liked him so much. That morning he woke up with me.. I wish for that a lot. I also wish it never happened. If I didn't like him before then I liked him after that.
I just want to be able to wake up to someone roll over and snuggle. I just wanna feel loved. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2.5yrs now. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
I really hope things go the way I want them to when I head over to UofC this week. I haven't been able to move forward with my life. Thats all I want. To feel like I'm achieving something.
Here is my goal. I'd like to go back to school. I'd like to get a gym membership again. I'd like to volunteer my time at an old folks home as a companion and read to them or play a board game. Something to feel like I'm helping someone and making a difference in this world. I see little old people wandering around all the time struggiling by themselves. It would be nice if they had someone to count on. Fuck their useless family members who dont care about them.
If I lose a lot more weight by next summer, I'd like to get a breast lift and reduction. I'm aiming for a solid C cup. E to a C i dont think thats too bad. Obviously as long its proportionate for my body.
Flights back home are 337 right now. I wanna book a trip. I need to invest in some new clothes. I'll be damned if a man has a better fashion sense then I do. Stupid lulus.
I've seen Ben 5x in the last week. I think thats pretty good. Knowing my luck, I doubt he wants anything. I dont know if he is who he says he is either. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I dont know him. I'm getting a colective opinion and my girls dont think he is. My friends have met him already. Niki, Kirstyn and Mara. They all get along with him. I asked my bestfriend what she thought. She said he's not boyfriend material. I was like why because I shouldnt date him or because you dont think he'll want to be. She said both. Shes probably right. He doesn't give off the boyfriend vibe. Probably just end up as someone else I've slept with. Nothin special... I dont want to waste my time with fuck buddys anymore. He doesnt kiss like I do, he's aggresive. He can be really gentle too. I dont know, it turns me on just thinking about him. Which doesnt happen often.... Grr, ok next time I see him I'm gunna see if he wants to do something other then hang at my place and that will be the verdict. He held my hand in front of my friend. Doubt it means anything but it really made me happy.
He was giving me shit for not working. I guess next time he says hows job hunting going I'll have to say I'm not looking for a job. He wont understand. I wont tell him about Aish or my disability unless he's sticking around.
It's my bestfriends 21st this weekend. The one person who loves me unconditionally. I've been up pretty late the last two weekend. I'm knackered.
I just dont care anymore....
I have to let him go. It's been a year next month. What I dont understand is why he doesnt block me. Why does he still read the messages I send him?
I was talking to my mom about it. She knows about all the guys I've slept with. I was telling her all I want to do is let him go but I dont know how. Every time I start something new with someone I think about Tim. I dont understand why I liked him so much. That morning he woke up with me.. I wish for that a lot. I also wish it never happened. If I didn't like him before then I liked him after that.
I just want to be able to wake up to someone roll over and snuggle. I just wanna feel loved. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2.5yrs now. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
I really hope things go the way I want them to when I head over to UofC this week. I haven't been able to move forward with my life. Thats all I want. To feel like I'm achieving something.
Here is my goal. I'd like to go back to school. I'd like to get a gym membership again. I'd like to volunteer my time at an old folks home as a companion and read to them or play a board game. Something to feel like I'm helping someone and making a difference in this world. I see little old people wandering around all the time struggiling by themselves. It would be nice if they had someone to count on. Fuck their useless family members who dont care about them.
If I lose a lot more weight by next summer, I'd like to get a breast lift and reduction. I'm aiming for a solid C cup. E to a C i dont think thats too bad. Obviously as long its proportionate for my body.
Flights back home are 337 right now. I wanna book a trip. I need to invest in some new clothes. I'll be damned if a man has a better fashion sense then I do. Stupid lulus.
I've seen Ben 5x in the last week. I think thats pretty good. Knowing my luck, I doubt he wants anything. I dont know if he is who he says he is either. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I dont know him. I'm getting a colective opinion and my girls dont think he is. My friends have met him already. Niki, Kirstyn and Mara. They all get along with him. I asked my bestfriend what she thought. She said he's not boyfriend material. I was like why because I shouldnt date him or because you dont think he'll want to be. She said both. Shes probably right. He doesn't give off the boyfriend vibe. Probably just end up as someone else I've slept with. Nothin special... I dont want to waste my time with fuck buddys anymore. He doesnt kiss like I do, he's aggresive. He can be really gentle too. I dont know, it turns me on just thinking about him. Which doesnt happen often.... Grr, ok next time I see him I'm gunna see if he wants to do something other then hang at my place and that will be the verdict. He held my hand in front of my friend. Doubt it means anything but it really made me happy.
He was giving me shit for not working. I guess next time he says hows job hunting going I'll have to say I'm not looking for a job. He wont understand. I wont tell him about Aish or my disability unless he's sticking around.
It's my bestfriends 21st this weekend. The one person who loves me unconditionally. I've been up pretty late the last two weekend. I'm knackered.
I just dont care anymore....
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