Best Night Ever!!! :D

soo here's how my day went in a short version cause Im exhausted and need to go to sleep.

I got a present from one of my clients

My good friend did a surprise dinner (kinda) lol and we had Jerk chicken, where I then ran into my neighbors gf and had dinner with her as well.

I then rescheduled my date with Bryce (new guy) to see Shawn (guy I was dating in July).

I had the best night with Shawn. He likes my body u can tell. It's the first time anyone has ever showed me that kind of affection. He is such a sweetie. Holds my hand, kisses my neck (fav thing btw).

I won't even see Bryce if Shawn wants to hang out more often cause that's how I am, he's growing on me. I like him. Tho I wont make the same mistake twice.

Shawn wasn't who I was hoping to hear from but it turned out to be better then the person I was hoping 4.

We'll see how it goes with Shawn. Hopefully I get to see him again :D

I'm in the business of making shit happen

When I put my mind to something, I get it done. I have a lot of determination and drive. Sometimes I loose myself, but I always find my way back.

It's been surreal being home. Nothings ever as I left it. My friends have grown up but we still manage to stick together. I think about moving back and then I really don't want to. I don't necessarily want to stay in Calgary. I hate the long freezing winters. I think about moving to Hawaii all the time. I've been everywhere and If i want to go there I will. I'm going to start saving just in case. However in the meantime I'm just gunna cruise through life and if something worth while comes about living in Calgary maybe I'll stay.

I've had the chance to spend time with my sister. It's been good seeing her.

Staying on track with my diet while I'm home not so successful. Fucking cheezits and wheat thins. Apparently my friends think I crave the weirdest snacks. I wanted fig newtons till I saw the calorie content. Lets face it more people have more then 2 cookies. Oh and what I've noticed here. The serving size here on items are bigger then in Canada. It's like they're telling people it's ok to have a bigger serving cause it's only this many calories.

Sometimes i'm a little over the top re my last post. I kinda bottle my feelings up rather then expressing them at the time, cause I like to avoid conflict. I'm still talking to my mom, I did tell her she was being childish and we didn't need to argue.

In regards to douche ... guess who messaged me?! Him, why? Whatever I'm not reading into anything to do with him anymore. The dumbass is unpredictable. I have this feeling he's this really big nerd. Doesn't bother me I like nerds. I do think about him every day. Every person I've kissed since him I've felt nothing, it makes me want to end things quick with everyone else. What's the point if there's no spark? I'll never settle for less than I deserve again.

My love life has been pretty interesting Men just come up to me now. Some blatantly express interest in sleeping with me. However if I'm not good enough to date you're not good enough to fuck, haha sry. Retards I swear. I'm not used to all this attention. Sometimes it creeps me out. I don't want to become the kind of girl who goes from guy to guy. Sex is meaningful and precious. The people you let close to you in that physical sense should mean something to you

Some of my friends wish they could be like me. It was weird when they said that. Like why would u want to be like me. I wish I saw what they saw in me. They wish they had my balls and confidence. You know I don't see it like that; that I have balls or confidence. A lot of times i'm not confident in myself. I see it as expressing myself, you only live once and I hate regretting things. If there is a chance of losing someone because I'm honest then I don't expect they would have lasted in my life anyway. Sometimes I let people get away with things to save an argument, usually they'll end up hearing exactly what I'm thinking. I'm a firm believer in honesty being the best policy tho u don't need to be cruel about it.

Well I'm gunna get back to hangin with my friends. I only have a few days left until I come back to my home which is currently Calgary. Looking forward to seeing my neighbors, those guys are my buddies I love drinking with them on the porch and just chillin watchin a movie. Looking forward to seeing my bestie and my good friends.

Born To Walk Away ... Peace Out

In my 24 years of life I have had so much hurt. People walking all over me treating me like shit. I'm done with that. People may see it as me being a bitch but it's my life and I just want good people in my life. Anyone who brings me down I'm saying peace out. I don't need that shit.

A supposed friend of mine yesterday said I don't care about ur "little friends". Fuck you I don't give a shit about the handful of guys u have on the go either. You cause you're own problems. You're dramatic and rude and u bring nothing good to my life ... peace out.

I call my mom and she's like you're calling early you woke everyone up. What's up? Why the fuck would I want to talk to you after you said that to me. Sorry for bothering u mom and being an annoying inconvenience ... Honestly I forgot about the time difference and I said that and she carried on about that. I knew she was awake I just didn't think about the time difference and everyone else who's sleeping ... peace out mom.

The newbie is gone. No surprise ... If I don't walk away then they do ... peace out

My heart still hurts over douche, I miss him. I hate him for making me feel this hurt. I hate him for never giving me a chance. I hate him for the false promises. I'm not dumb. He may have had a slight inclination to see me again but that faded fast. I'm guessing when some other chick paid him some interest. Whatever, you have done nothing for me. The one time where u made me feel beautiful that's all you've done for me. Now over shadowed by the fact u don't want me cause I'm fat. Why do I still try. Cause I fell fast and hard for u that's why, as soon as I saw u I felt it ... you don't want me ... peace out.

To my ex husband ... I accepted you left me. I accepted it when u got a gf. I accept her because she makes u happy and she seems like a nice person. I accept the fact that you want to have a family with her but you never wanted one with me.I let you go because I wanted you to be happy, and I am so happy that you're happy. I don't miss you. Us splitting up was for the best. I'm happier now. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me I wish we could have stayed friends, but you just want to erase me from your life like I never existed ... peace out.

To everyone who has ever said something hurtful to me ... fuck you ... peace out!

Walking away is my specialty ... the amount of times I've moved and had to leave people behind ... I was born to walk away.

Not holding back

Sooo fuck i'm in a bad mood.

I call my mom who is too self involved right now to listen to anyone elses issues. Well except when she's at work cause obv it's her job to listen to other peoples problems. They were supposed to be coming to visit me on Monday but they aren't now cause my sisters passport is expired. GAY!!!!

Douche bag I swear to god. So the other week he randomly texts me to bother me at night just to tell me "I like skinny girls". Fuck you ass hole you're full of shit. You may prefer smaller girls but you sure have had plus size gf's in the past and u shouldn't sleep with people if ur not interested in them. Anyhow. He texts me again at like 11:30 on sat tripping out cause he thought I had a bf. Then tells me that he's a relationship kinda guy and that he'll come out next time. The next morning of course he was like I was drunk I don't want anything from you. I'm sorry ok. NO NOT OK!!!! I told him so too :). Just how I felt but I'm a good enough person to tell him that I sincerely hopes he has a good life. Fuck he's dumb. Oh and he deletes me from FB but keeps me on MSN. What a tool!!! I wont delete him and yah I know that makes me dumb too. I have no intentions of talking to him, if he wants to talk to me he knows where I'm at. I take it he doesn't, whatever like my brother said there are billions of men out there and not one are the same and on that note ...

So I went out with this guy on Saturday cause I fig douche is a douche and it's time to date again. I like the newbie. He's sweet. We got some coffee/tea went for a walk in the park. Made out at two benches and a tree which he has now renamed the makeout bench. We got together again on sun. Watched a movie at his place ... lol. Then we went out Tue. I was gunna cook for him but those plans got kinda messed up. We went to the cinema to see eclipse. I was going to the machine to pay and he called me back and had like two paid ticket things. It was so sweet. Then in the movie he put his arm around me and held my hand. I went back to his place for a bit after. I text him yest to see if he still wanted to go to the zoo... I got nothin. Trying not to stress it. He could be busy. Time will tell. If not he was a nice guy and I had a good time. It was nice to be treated right for once. I do hope i hear from him tho :) he seems like a good guy genuinely and I wouldn't mind if he sticks around for a while.

I got the job at the gym. Yay!!! I start mon. I get a free membership too. Not brilliant money but hey ho i didn't take the job for the money, I took it to change my life.

I'm just frustrated. Tho happy that I got a job, went on 3 nice dates with a sweetheart who's adorable. I have an awesome roommate tho he's messy lol, messier then me. Cool neighbors who like to kick it, and good friends. I leave in 18 days for Cali and I can't wait to get out of Calgary for a bit. Life is attempting to treat me well and all I have to say is Thank you life.

Oh the bet ... fuck let's not discuss that till i hit the 230's.

Getting real

Weekend:
So I decided to cut the crap and not hold back and just say what I'm thinking. The last week has been interesting. My bff in Calgary went out of town for the weekend so I was left to my own devices. I actually kept busy and had a great weekend, minus the annoying drunk 18 yr olds who couldn't sort their own rides out. They almost caused me to smoke. I had serious considerations but thought better of it. I met this total cutie at the party. OMG!!! He was stunningly beautiful.

Guy I've crushed on for far too long:
It's the guy I likes bday outing this weekend. He's such an ass hole. I mean really, u know there is no hope when the guy doesn't even want u at his birthday. That's a huge insult. I hope he changes his mind. It's times like this when I think you don't know if you want to see me again. I'm the one who should be saying that. Look how u treat me. I'm not blind. Here are the reasons he may not want to see me.

a. "He's just not that into me"
b. He's just not that into me" but he's keeping me as a reserve. I DON'T PLAY SECOND BEST!!!!
c. He does like me but he's been burned and doesn't want to get hurt.

You know what ur a dumbass. You make me not want to talk to you, because u make me feel like I can't talk to you freely. I don't like having to bite my tongue. My friends don't think your cute. I defend you. Sometimes I wonder if he judges me based off the things mentioned in Chronic pain centre. If he does then he's just not the kind of guy I want to be with anyway.

Yah I know ur all thinking kick him to the curb. Heard it a billion x's. I'm actually numb him being a dick doesn't phase me anymore.

Chronic Pain Centre:
So I had my orientation this week. It was hard. I went by myself. It could take another 3-12 months to see a doctor through them. I will however have access to a full medical staff. I can also start taking the classes before I see the doctor. The lady giving the presentation talked about how their primary goal isn't to find out what's wrong with you it's to teach you how to live with chronic pain. I may never know what causes these headaches and facial pain. They may never have a cure. She was talking about how we will learn acceptance. Learn to deal with the fact we are sick and will be sick for the rest of our lives. I cried. That is not a reality I have wanted to admit. When she said that I made a point of saying other peoples acceptance.

I have lost so much being sick. My ex husband (tho not the only reason it was a reason), my job, had to get roommates, car, two places i've lived in. I think for losing everything, I've learned something other people will never learn. I've learned to be humble. It's not about what you have in life. It's about who you are and what you believe in. I know right now I'm struggling. I don't think it will always be like this. I don't like not being able to live a normal life. I'm faced with the reality that it's a possibility I might not get to have.

I talked to my best friend about other peoples acceptance. He told me he had a hard time accepting I'm sick and still does. He said sometimes he thinks i'm just shitting him. Then he remembers why would I want such a shitty life to pretend to be sick. I was crying as I read what he wrote to me. These are the people who love me. The people who stand by my side.

It makes it so hard to meet someone new with all of my baggage. Divorced at 24, sick, jobless, broke. Them knowing that, it's what they'll judge me on. Not my awesome personality or that i'm getting through my struggles. I also don't really want to share the details of my illness unless I know them better.

It's a lot to deal with, I do have a really hard time sometimes.

Career prospect:
So one of my goals for weight loss is to become a personal trainer. A buddy of mine is hooking me up with a reference at the gym. I'm going to try and get a pt job in CS. Until I am capable of going full time. Then when I am I'll start taking my courses to become a personal trainer. So fingers crossed I get the job and that it works out the way I want and I like it. Working at a gym will be great for keeping myself motivated on my own weight loss goals. God my buddy made me feel so guilty.

The bet:
22 pounds in 5 weeks. If I win I get 2 new pairs of pants ... If I lose, well i just wont let that happen. It hasn't even been discussed what i'd give him. He'd prob make me do something dumb in public lol. GAME ON!!!

I've been in a pretty good mood this week. I have had some funks. I try my best not to get bummed out.

My New Place

So I have lost all perception of time. I have been staying at my new place for a few nights now. I can't remember when I started staying here lol crap. Not sure. I can't wait to be all unpacked so when I forget where I put something I can see where I put it. Such as my pants. I'm always losing my pants or my shirt lol. I know that's random but I always take them off and never remember where in my house I put them. Since I haven't unpacked in my new place it makes it much harder to find in my room. I almost fb my gf this morning to ask her if she remembered where I took my pants off ln lol. I have this sick room in my house. We call it the green room "we" being the privileged who have been cool enough to chill in the green room. I wont explain too much about my green room cause it's too cool to talk about it has to be seen. It's my relaxation room. I just got some incense nagchampa mmm i love that scent.

I have to get back into my gym routine. The good thing about my new place is it's right around the corner from the chronic pain centre. I'm going to be spending a lot of time there. How random is that. I didn't even know that when I took the place. Fate I guess. Life is good. I'm happy. I'm broke but happy. Trying not to stress. I don't panic too often. I did last week thanks to a few epiphanies i had and a few bubbles that burst. The summer is coming and going so fast. Time just keeps flying by. I'm making new friends fast. If i wasn't broke and sick I'd have more hobbies. You never know tho this pain centre I could make a load of friends who understand what I'm going through. I have pretty much been maintaining my weight up and down a few pounds. I haven't really cooked in over a month or so. I went grocery shopping td. I need to get back into a routine.

Nothing new on the guy front. There is this guy who wants to see me. I'm apprehensive. I don't know what to do, I've been putting him off for weeks now. I had no intention of seeing this guy but I can't wait around for the other guy anymore ... the only person stopping us from being an "us" is him ... so why am I waiting around? Time to move on ... it hurts, and I don't really want to. I can't keep holding on to nothing.