Catching up on the years i missed out on

Wow, sometimes i forget about my blog. I am at 275 pounds, at the moment i fluctuate from 272 to 277. This has primarily been from diet. I lost the first 20 pounds on my own and I asked my doctor to refer me to this awesome nutritionist.

I don't feel like I'm missing out on the junk food. In all honesty sometimes i still eat the junk food. I always feel like shit afterward. That just tells me how bad it is for me. One thing that was "weighing" down my diet was the amount of fats i was consuming and the calories i was drinking. You know the frozen concentrated drinks we get. Look how many calories are in one serving and how small that one serving is. One glass your probably drinking a quarter of your days allowance. I've been drinking the nestle packets with splenda in them and it helps. Then the amount of extra virgin olive oil i was cooking with and the cheese i was having throughout the day.

I'll give you a break down of the food I have on a daily basis so you get the idea of what my nutritionist ha planned out for me. In the last few weeks i haven't been sticking to it the way i should have. I set a huge goal for myself by July 30 2010 I want to be under 200 pounds. I've been off work for over a month now with sever facial pain. I have the fybromyalgia which is crippling enough. It runs me down makes me sick and causes depression. Now I have additional pain which I've been told may be trigeminal neuralgia (nerves in my face, caused by my brain). Which is the excuse for not eating my 3 meals a day and cooking all of my meals. I've had no energy, I'm on 5 different types of medication, I sleep the majority of the day and have very little energy. I'm in severe pain as i write this. However I'm watching the biggest loser and it motivated me to talk about how I'm feeling.

This season of the biggest loser has made me realize that I have emotional issues that I have not addressed. The problem is I don't know what they are. A lot of my childhood I've blocked out memories. I obviously remember the good but I've blocked out the bad. I was talking to my mom the other day and she reminded me of things I had forgotten, hurtful experiences I've had. I told her the other day this year has been about me being kicked down and when i get back up i get kicked down again. She said the last few years have been like that for me. It's true. I was in Denial about my relationship with my soon to be ex husband. I don't know why I allowed the hurt to go on for so long. I felt like shit the whole relationship. I've been happier now. I wouldn't say I'm happy with my life but I am happier then I was. I've come to the conclusion that I've never been truly happy in my life for an extended period of time. I've had happy moments, key moments. My life right now consists of me not getting stressed so I imagine times where I felt happy and free. Walking in the rain by the river listening to one song on my ipod over and over singing and dancing when no one could see me. Jet skiing feeling the wind in my face and the freedom on the water.

I want to learn to be happy, I think I need to fix me first. Outside and in. I believe the lack of dating in my teen years and being married during my early 20's I missed out on skills I should have gained. I realize with guys I'm kinda awkward, I don't get how to play the "dating game" nor do I want to play the game. I just want to be honest and upfront about how I feel. I don't have the confidence to approach guys. So I do the whole Internet thing pof or cl. I've met a few people. I've had a man lol. A FB situation lol - the actual friendship. It's more for physical gratification then emotional. I do actually want the emotional side of a relationship again. I'm afraid to let someone in and trust them again, but i want to try. There are a couple of guys I'm talking to right now and I'm interested in maybe something more. I've never been the play the Field kind of girl. I'm starting to care about my appearance a little more. I'm wishing I could afford to get nice clothes and get my nails done. This is the first time I've ever been financially on my own and it's hard.

I decided to stay in Canada after the separation because I felt like i needed to prove to myself that I am strong and I can do this. I miss my family and friends. I cry on occasion, I find it hard to cry these days. I had to go to the hospital recently and it's the first time I realized how alone i was, I had to call about 10 people to see if anyone could drive me hope after a shot they needed to give me to help with the pain. I even tried my ex who I realized will not stay a friend, he wants a completely separate life that doesn't even involve friendship. I don't understand his mindset and I honestly don't like the person he's become. However I can be grateful that his decisions in life no longer effect me, or hurt me. I just wish the friendship could last on, haha I'm just optimistic and naive i know lol.

In life all I want Is to be proud of myself and love myself and to be happy. I want someone who is a constant support and doesn't remind me of the negative and is constantly reminding me of the positive. Someone who can hold me when i need to cry, laugh with me when i feel joy. Someone who knows how to pick me up when I'm down. Most of all I want to know how to do this myself. My Biggest goal is to run. I want to learn to run. I want to learn to roller blade, ice skate, snow board, rock climb, sail, surf, hike. I would love to go back to school, maybe to become a nutritionist and fitness insturctor to be a motivational speaker and help other people. It makes me so sad and angry when I see obese children. I was an obese child and the effects it has had on my life my health my self esteem and self image. I don't want other children to go through this. I want parents to be educated on how to help their children and not make them feel worse about themselves. They need to motivate their children and get them more active.

Someone said something to me recently. I don't really know him and he wasn't saying it to be cruel but to inform me of how men think. I had turned him down because he is not my type. Apparently this is the first time that has happened to him. He said men usually ask out girls who they think wont turn them down. They pick easy targets and bigger girls are easy targets. Apparently I am not an easy target! I was also told that men like bigger women because they are kinkier in bed. Now i know both of these can be true, based off of confidence issues with ones self. I know sometimes I allow people to use me. I don't want that anymore. I also said to this person that I want to be a motivational speaker. He said what the hell do I have to offer people. I have knowledge about life to offer people. Inform them the pain and suffering of what being obese has gotten me. I obviously intend on losing more weight before I do this, but this is one of my goals. I joined a gym. I love my gym; when I haven't been in a while they call me and make me feel guilty for not going lol. I had a call about a week and a half ago and he made me promise to be there. I said i'd go i the morning, when i woke up i decided f the morning I'll go in the afternoon. I left him a message to tell him i'd be there. He didn't get the message and he called me again to remind me that i promised. Now I almost never break a promise. I was there and we laughed, and I told him I NEVER BREAK A PROMISE! lol. Ok that's about all I have to share today. I think it's enough lol. I had some catching up to do.

What I would eat on a daily basis:

Breakfast: Usually 10 am
1/2 multigrain cereal with half a carton of blackberries and 1 cup of milk
cup of tea with splenda (i do use sugar i know i cheat)
1 slice of whole wheat toast with beecel (should be about a teaspoon)

Lunch: Usualy 1:30 pm
2Slices of whole wheat bread
1/8 avocado (cut a sliver out of the whole avocado to keep it fresher longer, then mush up the avocado and use it as spread on your sandwhich).
1 slice of tomato
romain lettuce
3 slices of shaved chicken breast

Snack: 3:30
1 source yogurt with skimmed milk
1 pear

Dinner: 5:45-6
1/2 cup to 1 cup of flavored rice
stir fry broccoli, pepper, onion, zucchini, carrot, half a chicken breast. Eat as many vegetables as you want. Then i usually add some soy sauce and teryaki sauce.
I put olive oil on the pan and rub it all over with paper towel to use less oil.

Remember not to drink your calories. Look at the calories in juice. Also avoid the chocolate chip cookies ^_^ lol my downfall.

Finally Something to share!!

Hey Everyone!!!

So I have something exciting to tell you guys ... I lost 25 pounds total. I had gone up to 313 eek! I am now at 288.6 as of today. I havent seen that number in a long time I finally broke the 290's. Oooh and I can fit in my 24's!!

I haven't written for a while. My husband and I seperated the day before Valentines Day. Said he didn't love me anymore. Though I loved him it didnt take me more then a few days to get over it. I guess when things weren't good for so long it was easier to get over it. I am looking for a new job because of course I left mine b4 the seperation.

I am soo much happier now. I am nervous about dating again. I am also starting to make friends here in Canada which is great hopefully someone will introduce me to a nice guy. It's hard when you don't know people to meet guys other then the internet which hasn't been going so good lol.

Anyhow hope everyone is doing well and going to post a new pic of my face since you can tell.

XOXO to everyone and tho it is early HAVE A HAPPY EASTER!!!

Long Time No Talk

Hey Guys,

I know I'm crap I havent been posting. But on the good front I have lost 12 pounds it's been a yo-yo. When I moved here I went up to 311 and now I am tetering on 299. This is all based on eating less no diets no excercise just eating less. My first small goal is to get to 290 then 280 10 pounds at a time.

I may have pcos which all of you know can cause infertility and I'm only 23 how much does that suck. I had a hormone test all fine but the testosterone is up by .2 and I have a pelvic exame on the 8th. I will let you know how it all goes.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and I wish you the Best New Year.

XX

NEW PIX

Life In Canada

Hi Guys,

How have you been? I'm sorry I do forget to post I forget I have a blog lol. Not that I'm doing much at the moment to forget.

So here is the low down. I finally finally made it to Canada YEA!!! I am so much happier here then I was in England maybe because I have more friends here right away then i did in England. It figures I make good friends right before I leave.

My husband is still making me f***ing crazy. It's more of the fact that he doesn't show me affectionate first. He also glances at me and I know, I know he is staring at my arms or the other day I was laying on the ground and he was looking at my stomach. Also the other day I was wearing a new shirt and cooking with oil ad it was splattering so I took of my shirt (I know it's stupid to rather have the oil splatter on me but ssshhh) any way he was all pissy seeing me with no shirt on. Can we say this is why I am paranoid people are staring at me and judging me? Well they are though. I mean I know I have a cute face but still. I'm just so damn fed up up this bull shit.

I know I eat healthier then a lot of other larger people. I can't eat five slices of pizza (well I could but i'd vomit) I eat stir frys and salad. My down fall is carbs and salty food. When am I going to come to the point where enough is enough and i stop eating that shit? I'm poisoning my body with bad food. I know I am but why can't I stop myself?

Honestly I'm scared. I am scared of my skin not going back and being completely deformed. I don't want to have surgery if i don't have to I mean I can handle the pain of a tattoo or piercing . But having half of my stomach cut away. Also the way my breasts are my god the stretch marks the droopiness the big areola i mean seriously, the scars i will have after having a breast lift and what if my nipples can never get hard. I know I am prematurely worrying about this, and I should only think of it when it comes to that but it will.

I have been exercising more since being here but not loosing any weight probably because of the amount of carbs I have been consuming. My weight yo yo's by 6 pounds up and down. Today I am 304.8. I hate myself for letting me get so big and I know I could loose the weight If I really tried. I am self sabotaging that's what it is. I get stressed or upset. Man I did kick my own ass at the gym the other day though I spent an hr 1/2 there I walked there which took me 20min cause I'm slow walked back another 20min did 20min of cardio there and some weights and stretches. One thing I can be thankfully for is I am extremely flexible.

I am still in a lot of pain I need to get out of this vicious cycle and I really am trying. I have gone canoeing on the lake its great fun. I was worried I would sink it but I sucked it up and got in the damn canoe. It didn't sink. I know I bitch and moan about the same crap each time and your probably like god she is never going to lose weight. Sometimes it does feel like that. I think the reason my husband is an ass is because he told me he doesn't think I will do it. I mean I have been talking about it since i put on the weight and i just kept gaining weight. Every time I gain a pound I freak out and eat healthy so it goes back down. Three days ago it went up to 308. I was like hell no your going back down!!

There are so many things I want to do. I have a goal. Next summer I want to be able to fit into the clothes at the sports store. I don't know what it is but spandex is cool. lol. I also went to a hockey game last night and it was awesome. The 1st one I have ever been to but I really want to learn how to skate (don't want to even try at this weight). I am not going to be unrealistic. I am going to try and lose 20 pounds at a time because If i think about how much weight I really need to lose I freak out 145pounds at least. EEEEKK see what I mean lol. My first big goal is to get back to a 16/18. I know i still had a big fat roll and I was chunky but I could be called curvy and big and beautiful. Now I am just obese.

I am looking for a job out here. My cat has been peeing on the bed so she has to go to the vet may be a bladder infection but I feel bad cause they may have to put a needle in her bladder to see whats wrong. Thankfully it's been on the covers so not gone through to the actual bed (brand new). My husband just got a car I mean literally he just pulled it in the drive way. Cheap second hand car for 1500. He is happy because he has freedom again. I told him that's how I felt when I didn't have a car in England for four years. Sorry again for my thoughts being so sporadic but that's my ADHD. Well I think I am going to the gym today. I hope you all have a good weekend. XX oh ps. I have started writing a book about this girl who is a bit bigger and she finds love and manages to lose a little bit of weight but loves herself for who she is (no surprise lol)!!

Some Pictures

Me at the Beach

Another day at the Beach

My New Kitty I love you!!

Flying

So I took a Ryan air flight. I managed to get the seat belt buckled surprisingly. Only just though. I sucked in half squatted turned sideways lifted the arm up and got in.

I leave Saturday for Canada Yeah!!! Finally I also bought a cat online she is sooo cute I get to see her next week. We went to my father in laws for my husbands leaving party. We got a few cards from people only a couple of them mentioned me (his wife). His father would introduce me as Liz and not his daughter in law or his son's wife. I worked my ass of trying to be polite and tidy and helping out as last time I was a drunk mess and not able to help clean up at all. Everyone must remember I am 22 give me a break. I stood up too long and my knee and ankle was killing me i started hobbling around. I put some of the weight back on. I hadn't been eating a lot of carbs I was being good limiting myself to one set of carbs a day well trying to. I have also been eating more junk food ummm snickers.

It's going to be a new start in Canada I have sold most of my worldly possessions. Things are still rough with my husband and my weight. He took a picture of me lying on the floor (no furniture) and my stomach looked like an extension it was horrible. I saw my arm in a video and i thought JESUS CHRIST! It only hits me when I see pictures or when I walk up stairs and can't breath. It sucks. My husband reminds me you are 22 years old and you weigh 21 stone (+ now but won't tell him that). When I get to Canada I'm going by Elli rather then Liz (my cute new persona maybe a bit girly feminine a bit more athletic eventually lol). As soon as I get a gym membership I will be there all the time I will have a car again next week so no excuse not to drive myself to the gym. I feel my health deteriorating. My back hurts sooo bad, my legs ,I'm so tired I have had a headache for 2 days straight. That's probably due to poor diet lots of shit food. Oh also I was reading someone Else's blog who said they had a headache when they where on a diet probably with drawl symptoms. I had that too real bad when I started eating healthier no carbs. Good idea for breakfast and fills you up

1 poached egg
small tin baked beans
2 slices lean bacon rashers healthy living sainsburys

real low and calories and gives you a protein boost.

Now this is real personal anyone else have this problem. I have been getting my period twice a month since January. I was on the Depo in 2006 and hadn't had my period the whole time I stoped taking it Nov 2006. Got my period again Nov 2007 and it has been like that since Jan. Am I gunna run out of eggs? I know it's stupid last year I had an ultra sound and she said I had a womb I was like what I thought you only had that when you were pregnant. It is so embarrassing.

Sometimes I feel like I'm floating outside my body like I'm not really in control and everything is a dream. Lately it has been hard to tell the difference maybe I it's cause I have a lot on my mind. But I can't remember if things are a dream or if they really happened. This has to be the ADHD (not taking any drugs except sleeping pills that make me groggy) that could be it lol.

Do you ever feel like you have no real control of your body. I have aches and pains I can't control when I have to go to the bathroom. We are an entity living in our body's; Maybe we are the aliens everyone talks about. When you die your soul leaves not the body??? I know I'm being weird lol just things i think about lol. Anyhow excited about moving. I get to go clothes shopping in two weeks lane bryant and torrid here I come (AMERICAN SHOPS PLUS SIZE) I still hate having to look at bigger sizes. And why, why can't I get a bra a 52 D with wired support?? Why do I have to get bra extensions. Why can't I wear High Heels and walk gracefully??? Oh Yea it's cause I am hella fat and need to go on a diet. I am visiting my mom in Washington in two weeks where I will be going to 24hr fittness thank god for 24hr gyms you can't really make excuses about time when it is opened 24hrs lol. I'm only going for 6 days. The bad thing about moving is all my favorite food Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Italian. All i have to do is look at my fat self in my swim suit and then I will see why. Why I should not be eating that shit!!!! Fucking self control I hate it. It's cause I have none. When I am on a diet expect me to be cranky. Expect if you are eating a chocolate bar for me to rip it out of your hand and stomp on it for being so damn rude and inconsiderate to eat that in front of me. I don't care if your thin it is not good for you!! Like I see Celebrities going to yoga classes and smoking I'm like good for you for exercising but your gunna die of lung cancer ( I smoke on occasion so I know). Also I see someone who is like 30 pounds over weight and I think dumb bitch suck it up and do it already not like you have to lose 10 stone!! Now the only time I have been 2 stone overweight I was probably like 8 years old otherwise I'd have done it.

I saw this fat girl on a dance floor last week and she was pretty big. I said to my husband do I look like that and he said yeah. I felt pretty low and then I felt bad for comparing myself that poor woman just wants to have a good time like me. I'm the joke on a dance floor guys grope me and I'm assuming so they can have a laugh. Well when my boobs are on show that's really all they stare at lol. But still I must look really stupid on the dance floor. My goal size in the next 2 years is a size 10. Why a 10 you ask; well when I was 18 I bought a size 10 pair of under ware they never fit but I love them. I will post a pic eventually of the under ware not me in them, you wouldn't be able to see them under all of the fat. I tried on my size 18 jeans there was like a 4 in gap I thought man. How'd I get away from myself. It's called DENIAL you just try not to think about it and poof!! Well I got rid of all my size 28 sweaters because you know what I will not fit in them this coming winter I will not not not fit in them I don't care what it takes. I will be smaller!!!! I kept all of my smaller sizes and they are being sent to Canada. I can't wait I will get there. Here is another pic of me a few weeks ago. God my chin has gotten so big. I'm starting to get fat wrinkles on my neck but here I go.