Willpower

Where to start...

I joined the gym, I'm working out at Talisman. Feels so good to be back in the gym. I always forget what a difference it makes with the fybromyalgia. I'd tell u how much I weigh but I'm ashamed. Not like it was a wasted effort, losing all the weight. It's still a setback I should've lost weight not gained weight. I can get back to where I was realistically by xmas. Same place I was last year. I wanna start doing thai chi again. I love it.

I'm trying to get out more. Meet different kinds of people. My girls have me going out one night on the weekend. They never keep me out more then 3hrs cause they know I'll be wiped out. It's been nice to dance, for sure. It's like one of my favorite things. Tho I think i need to learn something new, ass shaking can only get you so far. I'm like the glue that keeps my friends together. It's funny how the dynamics of all of my friendships have changed over the years. I'm glad it did tho, I love my friends.  We finally, finally hit up the Alley, guess what... they loved it. All that bitching for nothing.

One of my friends had me go on a blind date with them. Some dude she met online but was too intimidated by his hotness to go by herself. You know me, I can talk to anyone. So she tells the dude my "boyfriend" broke up with me. As I predicted he tried to cancel but she told him no, cause obviously me coming was the purpose. Buddy bashed me the whole date for being there. Fortunately I'm a good sport. I was like, dude u owe me. It was actually pretty entertaining.

I grabbed a coffee with my ex husband about a week and a half ago to catch up. He's getting remarried next summer. I'm really happy for him. Congrats guys. I wish you the best. Gods honest truth he seemed genuinly happy and thats all I ever wanted for him. We both knew we werent right for eachother and had everything not happened the way it had he might never have found the one he was really meant to be with and I might not have ever had my two best friends who are now family to me.

My love life... fuck me

So much shit happened with Ben I don't even know where to begin. It turned out to be pretty fucked up to be honest. All I'm going to say is that it hurts to think about him or talk to him. He's been texting me but I haven't responded. I figure if he really cares, which he doesn't.. he knows where I live. I have to learn to let go at some point. It's pointless caring about people who don't care about themselves or me. I felt like he was letting me in, he actually cried in front of me. It's too fucking complicated. It's so hard not to talk to him but it's pointless. He's probably just bored.

Everyone is testing my willpower this week. I quit Ben and he keeps texting me, I quit smoking again and I tell my gf and she's like fuck that ur coming for a smoke. Then I leave the gym and my other friend goes to Timmies and gave me shit for not getting anything. Dudes... I'm trying not to falter and it's so hard with all these temptations... I just gotta make it a week and then it'll be smooth sailing.

I'll find someone eventually. Why was Tim the most normal one? That's what I'm looking for. That's probably why he left, cause he was sane lol. I creep his pof. He's a cutie, no washboard stomach but it doesn't bother me. He's got big muscular arms. I could've cuddled with that guy all day long. It's been a year this month... yah I think it's pretty clear I'll never see him again lmao. At least he values my opinion even if he doesn't talk back.

My therapist is trying to break down the wall I put up. Parts of my past are starting to creep into my present. Things I buried away and never talk about with anyone. Here's the problem, I don't remember a lot of my childhood and I don't associate things with past issues until I dream about it and I connect the dots. Also I still don't want to talk about it.. with anyone.. which is why I haven't.

 A lot of weird situations have come up lately... like life is testing me to see if I'll make the same mistakes twice... fuck that!

I'm getting a St Jude pendant, patron st of lost causes. I think that suits me. My second cousin is sending it to me cause she's awesome. Plus I'm pretty sure they're Catholic.

I need some excitement... dear god please send someone new into my life who is spontaneous, trust worthy, sane, and happy, if it's a romantic interest add attractive and affectionate. Amen.

Numb

Aish was approved. They're back paying me to April. EI just came through. I got my clit pierced, hurt. I'm applying at U of C, I met with the guidance counselor.

I'm not seeing Ben anymore. He made up some BS excuse and accused me when he was the guilty one. Said he wanted to be friends then treated me like crap. I deleted him from FB and have every intent at ignoring him if he tries to contact me. No matter how much I want to see him. I spent so much time with him during those 2.5 weeks. He acted like we were together. Totally hurts, couldn't get out of bed Saturday night. Cried so much. My best friends came over to console me. I feel like I need to cry td but It wont come out.

I never feel adequate enough for anyone. I'm so hard on myself all the time. I have very high expectations of myself, that I'm not meeting. Doesn't help that he judged me and had no right to given his background.

I have to have an emergency ultrasound today, I was bleeding for over 14 days and they had to give me pills to stop it. Sometimes I wonder why god put me on this earth to give me so many health problems? It's either a hormonal problem, thyroid, or a growth in my womb. They did a pregnancy test which was negative, which is exactly what I expected since I would have been knocked up nearly 5 mo's ago. I'll update u on the results.

Letting go...

I dreampt about Tim. We had this long conversation. I dont think I've ever dreampt about him.

I have to let him go. It's been a year next month. What I dont understand is why he doesnt block me. Why does he still read the messages I send him?

I was talking to my mom about it. She knows about all the guys I've slept with. I was telling her all I want to do is let him go but I dont know how. Every time I start something new with someone I think about Tim. I dont understand why I liked him so much. That morning he woke up with me.. I wish for that a lot. I also wish it never happened. If I didn't like him before then I liked him after that.

I just want to be able to wake up to someone roll over and snuggle. I just wanna feel loved. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2.5yrs now. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

I really hope things go the way I want them to when I head over to UofC this week. I haven't been able to move forward with my life. Thats all I want. To feel like I'm achieving something.

Here is my goal. I'd like to go back to school. I'd like to get a gym membership again. I'd like to volunteer my time at an old folks home as a companion and read to them or play a board game. Something to feel like I'm helping someone and making a difference in this world. I see little old people wandering around all the time struggiling by themselves. It would be nice if they had someone to count on. Fuck their useless family members who dont care about them.

If I lose a lot more weight by next summer, I'd like to get a breast lift and reduction. I'm aiming for a solid C cup. E to a C i dont think thats too bad. Obviously as long its proportionate for my body.

Flights back home are 337 right now. I wanna book a trip. I need to invest in some new clothes. I'll be damned if a man has a better fashion sense then I do. Stupid lulus.

I've seen Ben 5x in the last week. I think thats pretty good. Knowing my luck, I doubt he wants anything. I dont know if he is who he says he is either. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I dont know him. I'm getting a colective opinion and my girls dont think he is. My friends have met him already. Niki, Kirstyn and Mara. They all get along with him. I asked my bestfriend what she thought. She said he's not boyfriend material. I was like why because I shouldnt date him or because you dont think he'll want to be. She said both. Shes probably right. He doesn't give off the boyfriend vibe. Probably just end up as someone else I've slept with. Nothin special... I dont want to waste my time with fuck buddys anymore. He doesnt kiss like I do, he's aggresive. He can be really gentle too. I dont know, it turns me on just thinking about him. Which doesnt happen often.... Grr, ok next time I see him I'm gunna see if he wants to do something other then hang at my place and that will be the verdict. He held my hand in front of my friend. Doubt it means anything but it really made me happy.

He was giving me shit for not working. I guess next time he says hows job hunting going I'll have to say I'm not looking for a job. He wont understand. I wont tell him about Aish or my disability unless he's sticking around.

It's my bestfriends 21st this weekend. The one person who loves me unconditionally. I've been up pretty late the last two weekend. I'm knackered.



I just dont care anymore....

Thank you God

Just had the biggest blessing. Aish approved me. It's such a relief.

Remind me If Shawn trys to talk to me ever again to tell him to go fuck himself. I hate that guy.

Ben... I dont know. I liked him till he talked about hooking up with my friend... not cool. Dunno if hes bein serious or if he's just trying to get a rise out of me. Fuck my trust issues man. Way to make me like you less. At least I'm keeping it real. Who knows, I'm just getting to know him right. I think he's made it crystal that I'm prob just gunna be some chick to him. I really need to start hanging out with dudes who actually take me on dates. I just need to try not to get emotionally invested in this one, so I dont get hurt when he fucks off like the rest of them.

I do give him props for making an effort to see me tho. He's spent a fair bit of time with me, which is nice. Pops in by surprise. I know I'm being insecure. I just feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. That I'm not beautiful. I've just been made to feel ugly and useless by so many people. No matter how many of my friends tell me I'm beautiful I just cant see it.

Can I not just find someone who genuinly likes me and only me?

I'm in such a shitty mood. Fuckin in pain for the last week and a half.

Hoping things finally fall into place and I catch that much needed break.

Oh Fall

Love fall hate winter. Stupid winter is coming, I dont mind the snow but I hate the ice and the freezing temps, If I had a car I would hate driving in it too.

Soooo I spent some time with this dude named Ben last week. He's cool, I like him. Hope I get to spend more time with him. He's had an interesting life. The older I get the crazier peoples stories get. Including mine. He seems to be really honest, which I like. Tuesday he came over, we watched a movie, he met my best friend Kirstyn. He didn't try anything, I told him I wasnt looking to hook up. Couldnt really tell if he was into me. I mean I kinda thought but didnt want to assume. Cause he wasnt really coming onto me. He did tell me I'm gorgeous. He makes me smile. We kissed bye at the door.

I was totally thinking how awesome it would be if he came over the next morning and gave me cuddles... sure enough the next morning he asked if he could come crawl into bed with me... Totally made my week. He's so funny, he makes me laugh. "I'm cereal you guys" u had to be there. He's sweet too. I was having a smoke in my stoop, and he just rubbed my shoulders. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with seeing him again but I hope I do. He has the prettiest eyes. I try not to be so insecure with myself but its hard. I'm just trying to play it cool and see what happens. I'm trying not to talk about him a lot with my friends. I'm not telling them everything either. I figure if he sticks around I'd like there unbiased oppinion.

Oh and he has the best wardrobe of anyone I've seen. Lulu sweats, DC hoodies, DC shoes, sweet ball caps. Kinda wish his lip was still pierced. Thats hot. I feel like I need to be hotter standing next to him... fuck I need new clothes... an income first damnit.

Friday morning at 4am I got a text from my mom saying she was calling 911. She had to take a ambulance to the hospital. I stayed on the phone with her till they got there. Fuuuuck! My step dad is in Egypt for the last few months. My brothers phone was off, so she was all by herself. I had to call my sister and let her know mom was in the hospital. I had like no sleep that day. My mom has me as her executive so If anything happens to her I make the call. She's a DNR and she knows if it came down to it I would be the one to respect her wishes. When she had her gastric bypass something went wrong and she almost died. My step dad gave her a blood transfusion and she was pissed. It's her personal belief. I fully believe that its your life. We all die any way. If you dont want to prolong it then dont. If I was ever in a coma, two weeks is all I want to be kept on life support. If I cant stay alive on my own, let me go in peace.

Anyway, turned out to be her heart. She had a blood clot in the arttery that pumps blood out of her heart. The non invasive procedure worked, so far. So they dont need to operate right now. Thank god. She's home now. I had like 4 hrs of sleep that whole day and then I went out at night cause i promised my bestie. I didnt get to bed till like 5am. That never happens. Safe to say my body is paying me back. I gotta go do it again next weekend cause its her 21.

OMG I LOVE THE YOUNG MONEY CD. Listen to Shanell-Play in my Band ft Lil Wayne. "I'm a fuck her face off, fuck her waist off,... " and "Can you make me sound like the strings you're playin?"

What a week.

Invermere

I got this shit covered...

So I went to Invermere on Tuesday. It was the dogs bollocks man. The people who have that awesome house we party out in Chestermere. Own a sick house in Invermere. It cost bank. Nicest house I've ever been to. We only went for the night cause my girl had to work on Thur. I finally got to go swimming in a lake this year. Thank you God. It was just peacfull and relaxing. Good timing too. It would have been my 5yr wedding anniversary that day. I dont miss him. I wasnt sad. My thoughts were I'm glad it ended sooner then later. I also thought what a shame it was and if I ever remarried again how i'd feel about it. I think no matter what and no matter who I wouldn't expect them to stick around. Hard to believe in the sanctity of marriage when yours failed. I have friends who are divorced and are remarrying and I wonder how they can do it so easily.

So I'm pulling myself together as fast as possible. I applied for ei. I chased Aish, I should recieve the letter in a couple days saying if I was approved or not or If I need to appeal. Looking for a pt job. I requested my Highschool and college transcripts. I made an appointment with a guidance councelor at U of C. I have booked 8 medical appointments for the next few weeks. Signed up for a few more medical classes that dont start till November. I made an appointment with my Nutritionist because I need a kick in the ass. Hoping my buddy can take me. It's in Black Diamond, cause I used to live in Okotoks. My last pay cheque, I stocked up on groceries $200 worth. Stocked up on cat littler. Gotta stock up on cat food. Who knows how long I'll srtuggle for. The point is I've been through this before and I'm a lot wiser now. I hit the ground running. I'll be ok. I'm actually going to go to the budhist temple next week. I need a little more hope and faith.

Oh and my roommate told me he's moving sometime between oct/nov. So I gotta find a new roommate. Not bad, my roommate will have lasted 10/11 months. His friend from Revi is moving here so he's gunna live with her. Prob more in common. Him and I get a long pretty well tho. I think my friends may be a bit much for him lol they practiacally live here sometimes. I mean he's hardly ever home anyway but still.

Sooo POF... yah I'm on it again. Cause I'm a retard. I swear I just do it for entertainment. There are sooo many fucking idiots and disgusting pervs on there. Thank god for the block feature. If I get comments like, nice tits...block... wanna hook up...block. Oh so I had this jack ass td... "Hey fat girl you're cute"... blocked... I almost responded, hey paki you're fugly. LOL i'm not racist at all. I just get soooo mad. I bit my tongue and didn't respond. Honestly I wont be going on many dates cause I'm hella selective these days and I get really awkward when I'm not into the guy. I tend to just blurt out "yah sorry this isn't working for me, I'm gunna go." Hahaha I dont mean to be a DB but I get really awkward and I have the flight instinct. Some people creep me out.

Ok so I swear Tim changed his height I coulda thought the first time I saw it, it said 5'11 lol am I trippin or is that right? Also took me a while to figure out this on his profile "common now I do have manners" I think he means c'mon, unless thats an east coast thing I dunno. I'd make fun of him but it would be pointless. You know even after everything if he knocked on my door I dont think I'd say anything I'd probably just kiss him. Not like he has my new number. Didn't really give it out. How sick am I lol. This is fantasy land. It'll never happen. I dont even know what I did with that lighter. I may find it who knows. If Troy knocked on my door, I'd probably punch him for being such an ass. I dunno what i'd do really. That wont happen either so I'm not holding my breath.

One of my really good friends is homeless. I let him stay for a few weeks but my roommate has had enough and doesn't really like him. I'm not allowed to have him over anymore, not even to hang out. Guess it's a good thing my roommate is moving eh. He showed up the other day crying and all I wanted to do was hold him. It's not often men cry in front of me. It's just natural to want to comfort him. I told him I know how he feels, I was homeless too when I was 18. He already knew that. We just compared shitty lives and of course he was crying so I started crying. He told me if anything happens to him I need to find his son. He gave me all of the information I needed. Of course that hurt me even more. I wish I could do more. I'm one of the only friends he has.

I'm trying to keep my shit together mentally. It's hard when u just keep getting kicked when you go to get back up again. Over and over and over for the last how long? I actually cried in the shower yesterday. My body just isn't cooperating with me. Mon tue I had fire throughout my arm. Been a while since thats happened. I imagine it's like arthritis. Cant sleep without severe pain in my back. It would be nice to have someone there to hold me when I do cry.

I saw my therapist and physio therapist yesterday. It was so good to be back. My therapist. I swear I go through every emotion in that 1hr I see her. I actually love her. She's one of the sweetest people, and very easy to talk to. Really I just need that little bit extra support from her. She's very encouraging. It's hard going through all this alone.

My physio therapist. Also an angel. I leave there in less pain then when I firt came in. My 8th rib is out of place which is why i have the back pain. My body clenches every muscle in my body to protect my abdomen because of the pain. So we were working on muscle relaxation yesterday. It's kinda funny when someone is showing you how to sit down properly. Who knew there was a right and wrong way lol?

Hung out with Dave last weekend. Great to see him. We went to the pub and threw back 4 or 5 pints it was funny. He's like "How many are we at now?" Me "No idea" him "well u've had as many as me." I was like "dude I lost track at 3 or 4 haha." He's funny as hell. I havent met his gf yet. I'm sure at some point I will. Unfortunatly between the two of us I ended up sun burned and he ended up with heat stroke lol what a pair. He treated too, for lunch and drinks. Cost him over 100 bucks. What a good friend hey. You should see the tab when I party with my buddy back home lol. We can go to a resteraunt and down like 4 cosmos each. Lesson to you all. The limit of cosmos without a hangover is 3.

Honestly a lot of bad shit has happened this summer. A lot of good shit has happened too. Despite the bad shit it's been the best summer I've had in Calgary soo far. There are a couple things I'd like to do before the summer is over. We'll see if I get the chance.

Stay tuned for Invermere pics. Hope you're all enjoying ur summers xo