U of C

Ok, I am so excited to start school. I'm also nervous. I keep thinking, what if I invest all of this money and I cant hack it. What if I wont be able to work full time? Or in the field. I really want to work in the field and travel. Obviously not thinking about what if I had a family when getting into field work. I figure I shouldn't factor that into my career choice, cause who the hell knows if it'll ever happen. What if the career I'm choosing is the wrong one? I keep thinking, once I get started I may not actually have room for someone in my life. School/ Dr's apts/ gym/ medical classes/ friends/ r&r so I don't get sicker.

I've decided who the hell cares. I cant spend my life doing nothing. I hate having nothing to look forward to. The days are so long. Life is boring and I'm wasting precious days I'll never see again.

Tim, looks like he toned up. Nice pecs bud. So I've rated my guys and Tim for sure takes the number 1 spot. 2 is Troy... After2 I cant decide who gets what lol. Tim is 1 cause he's good in bed, good personality, super hot. Plus I think about him the most I think.

I'm about to talk about embarrassing sex stuff so stop reading if u don't want to hear.

I wish I had the opportunity to give Tim a better blow job. Dont laugh at me. I'm not gunna lie, I never really did them before so when I tried I felt like I was doing a shit job and didn't want to do it. Also 69 really distracting. Hard to concentrate on getting you off when all I want to do is enjoy the pleasure. I have now perfected my blowjobs lol. Ok I didn't perfect it, It's not like I went around giving free blow jobs. I also don't give head to all the guys I'm seeing. Only if they're special. I just decided to speak up with someone I was seeing. "Dude, I think I suck at blow jobs, and I don't want to do a bad job and look dumber then I already do." Turned out when I put my mind to it I'm awesome.

Most embarrassing sexual moment... prepare to be slightly grossed out... you know how I have a bad memory right? So i sit to go pee after sex and the tampon box was right in front of me... Oh shit, did I have a tampon in? He would have noticed right? That would explains why it was painful, I just thought I needed more lube... He laughed so hard. How did he not notice? My friends thought it was hilarious. I got some jokes for sure. It's like sliding a hot dog down the hallway. Fuck you guys ok. I know I feel good. Every guy, guaranteed has said how good I feel. I'm in the bathroom trying to see if it's all up in there. Turns out it was. They were like wish we could help and laughed.  I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed.  Thank god I got it eventually. I'm a fucking retard.

Troy... bah. It was great to see him. I know that it's pure lust every time I see him. I also know he's not meant to be mine. I didnt sleep with him last time and honestly I dont know If I would again. I'll take some of his cuddles tho for sure.

Got my 6mo STI results back... all clear. I dont make a habit of having unsafe sex. Troy was the last one and it was 6mo's ago. Oh and when I tell you how many guys I've slept with or that I'm not into my male roommate... Trust me, I'm not every other girl. I don't play the field. I don't fuck guy after guy. I turn down hot guys all the time. Oh and I just hate living with chicks. I always want to punch them for being retarded and jacking my shit. I much rather chill, play video games and drink and burn one then paint nails, play fashion show (they really do it, and I hate when the force me to play) and go shopping. Go slip ur heels on while I put on my sk8r shoes... I look cool and I'm comfortable. I wont lie, I have a couple pairs of heels that I whip out when I wanna dress up jeans or wear a dress. Doesn't happen often. Put on a suit and I'll put on a dress. How bout that.

The world is so fucked up. Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. I dont seem to realize how shitty it is till I'm baked and analyzing life.

Ben is in Jail... probably better off for him and everyone else if he stays there. At the same time I feel bad. I had nothing to do with any of it to be honest. He also has a drug problem, hard to be around that and stay clean. I avoid being around that cause when i'm drunk there's no willpower. I just want to party hard.

I hit on the telus guy fixing my internet cause he was cute, we exchanged numbers and fb... 3am rolls around and buddy tries to hit me up for a booty call. FOR FUCKS SAKES! Of course I shot him down, I was pissed. Wake my ass up at 3am when I don't know you. Ass hole.

After Tim everyone else was pretty dumb. With ridiculous drama in their life. Raising my standards again for sure. Tired of all the losers around. Same with shitty friends. I know I get obsessive over guys and it doesn't appear that I have the ability to cut people out of my life... when I've emotionally detached I'm done. I told Ben to leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. I now understand why I might be perceived as a creepy psycho. Cause I was acting like it for sure before. I grow this un healthy attachment to some guys. I actually feel bad at the same time I still think they're a holes. I've learned, I don't get attached if I don't sleep with them. So, don't sleep with them.

Now that I have guy friends I understand what they want. It helps for sure. Act cool and they always come back. They lose interest when I show I like them. Guess my personality changes. I go from being this cool chick to this needy bitch. That's not me. I do what I want when I want and I sure as hell don't need you.

Dear god, please help me .... with everything... I need direction.

All I keep thinking about is how much I need a vacation and how I'm terrible with budgeting money. I should take a class or something. This is what happens when you were raised by a shopaholic impulse buyer. I really need to go somewhere tropical. I'm hoping I can find a part time job. So I can save to go away for a few weeks next summer. So much I want and so little funds. Car, breast lift, Vacation, Uni.

I have a new cat, her name is Toby. She was Bens.. long story. Completely opposite of Cali.

I really hope my student loan is approved. I just applied for a cc too. I just want to get the ball rolling on my life. Between living in several countries, getting married, getting divorced, getting sick... my life has been at a standstill minus all the drama.

I don't know why I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I cut out the drama (men and shitty friends), my life  is pretty simple. I was thinking that, how I like living a simple life. How I'm most content being in nature. Meditation.

I hope I can get involved in some student activities, make new friends, get new hobbies.

Time to start a new path...

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On the plus side to drama drama drama I lost 6lbs due to stress this week. Dont worry I have been eating, just not too much because it's been hard to keep anything down. You shoulda seen me shaking yest. What a mess. Stupid central nervous system problems lol.

Troy was a no show, surprise surprise.

My best friends, childhood best friend had a baby so we're going to the baby shower today. I always wonder what the father looks like when you meet a single parent mom and her child. I wonder what they'll grow up to look like. I couldnt imagine having a child in my early 20's. She's fortunate to have her families support.

My cousin in NJ her best friend died yesterday of a drug overdose. May he rest in peace. His gf also her best friend is expecting her first child, please pray for her. I can only imagine. Sobriety is a daily struggle for people with addictions, no matter how long you've been clean.

I'm doin ok, I've put a guard up right now. Pretty emotionless in regards to everything. Meh, life goes on.

This too shall pass

גם זה יעבור‎‎ (hebrew)

Willpower

Where to start...

I joined the gym, I'm working out at Talisman. Feels so good to be back in the gym. I always forget what a difference it makes with the fybromyalgia. I'd tell u how much I weigh but I'm ashamed. Not like it was a wasted effort, losing all the weight. It's still a setback I should've lost weight not gained weight. I can get back to where I was realistically by xmas. Same place I was last year. I wanna start doing thai chi again. I love it.

I'm trying to get out more. Meet different kinds of people. My girls have me going out one night on the weekend. They never keep me out more then 3hrs cause they know I'll be wiped out. It's been nice to dance, for sure. It's like one of my favorite things. Tho I think i need to learn something new, ass shaking can only get you so far. I'm like the glue that keeps my friends together. It's funny how the dynamics of all of my friendships have changed over the years. I'm glad it did tho, I love my friends.  We finally, finally hit up the Alley, guess what... they loved it. All that bitching for nothing.

One of my friends had me go on a blind date with them. Some dude she met online but was too intimidated by his hotness to go by herself. You know me, I can talk to anyone. So she tells the dude my "boyfriend" broke up with me. As I predicted he tried to cancel but she told him no, cause obviously me coming was the purpose. Buddy bashed me the whole date for being there. Fortunately I'm a good sport. I was like, dude u owe me. It was actually pretty entertaining.

I grabbed a coffee with my ex husband about a week and a half ago to catch up. He's getting remarried next summer. I'm really happy for him. Congrats guys. I wish you the best. Gods honest truth he seemed genuinly happy and thats all I ever wanted for him. We both knew we werent right for eachother and had everything not happened the way it had he might never have found the one he was really meant to be with and I might not have ever had my two best friends who are now family to me.

My love life... fuck me

So much shit happened with Ben I don't even know where to begin. It turned out to be pretty fucked up to be honest. All I'm going to say is that it hurts to think about him or talk to him. He's been texting me but I haven't responded. I figure if he really cares, which he doesn't.. he knows where I live. I have to learn to let go at some point. It's pointless caring about people who don't care about themselves or me. I felt like he was letting me in, he actually cried in front of me. It's too fucking complicated. It's so hard not to talk to him but it's pointless. He's probably just bored.

Everyone is testing my willpower this week. I quit Ben and he keeps texting me, I quit smoking again and I tell my gf and she's like fuck that ur coming for a smoke. Then I leave the gym and my other friend goes to Timmies and gave me shit for not getting anything. Dudes... I'm trying not to falter and it's so hard with all these temptations... I just gotta make it a week and then it'll be smooth sailing.

I'll find someone eventually. Why was Tim the most normal one? That's what I'm looking for. That's probably why he left, cause he was sane lol. I creep his pof. He's a cutie, no washboard stomach but it doesn't bother me. He's got big muscular arms. I could've cuddled with that guy all day long. It's been a year this month... yah I think it's pretty clear I'll never see him again lmao. At least he values my opinion even if he doesn't talk back.

My therapist is trying to break down the wall I put up. Parts of my past are starting to creep into my present. Things I buried away and never talk about with anyone. Here's the problem, I don't remember a lot of my childhood and I don't associate things with past issues until I dream about it and I connect the dots. Also I still don't want to talk about it.. with anyone.. which is why I haven't.

 A lot of weird situations have come up lately... like life is testing me to see if I'll make the same mistakes twice... fuck that!

I'm getting a St Jude pendant, patron st of lost causes. I think that suits me. My second cousin is sending it to me cause she's awesome. Plus I'm pretty sure they're Catholic.

I need some excitement... dear god please send someone new into my life who is spontaneous, trust worthy, sane, and happy, if it's a romantic interest add attractive and affectionate. Amen.

Numb

Aish was approved. They're back paying me to April. EI just came through. I got my clit pierced, hurt. I'm applying at U of C, I met with the guidance counselor.

I'm not seeing Ben anymore. He made up some BS excuse and accused me when he was the guilty one. Said he wanted to be friends then treated me like crap. I deleted him from FB and have every intent at ignoring him if he tries to contact me. No matter how much I want to see him. I spent so much time with him during those 2.5 weeks. He acted like we were together. Totally hurts, couldn't get out of bed Saturday night. Cried so much. My best friends came over to console me. I feel like I need to cry td but It wont come out.

I never feel adequate enough for anyone. I'm so hard on myself all the time. I have very high expectations of myself, that I'm not meeting. Doesn't help that he judged me and had no right to given his background.

I have to have an emergency ultrasound today, I was bleeding for over 14 days and they had to give me pills to stop it. Sometimes I wonder why god put me on this earth to give me so many health problems? It's either a hormonal problem, thyroid, or a growth in my womb. They did a pregnancy test which was negative, which is exactly what I expected since I would have been knocked up nearly 5 mo's ago. I'll update u on the results.

Letting go...

I dreampt about Tim. We had this long conversation. I dont think I've ever dreampt about him.

I have to let him go. It's been a year next month. What I dont understand is why he doesnt block me. Why does he still read the messages I send him?

I was talking to my mom about it. She knows about all the guys I've slept with. I was telling her all I want to do is let him go but I dont know how. Every time I start something new with someone I think about Tim. I dont understand why I liked him so much. That morning he woke up with me.. I wish for that a lot. I also wish it never happened. If I didn't like him before then I liked him after that.

I just want to be able to wake up to someone roll over and snuggle. I just wanna feel loved. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2.5yrs now. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

I really hope things go the way I want them to when I head over to UofC this week. I haven't been able to move forward with my life. Thats all I want. To feel like I'm achieving something.

Here is my goal. I'd like to go back to school. I'd like to get a gym membership again. I'd like to volunteer my time at an old folks home as a companion and read to them or play a board game. Something to feel like I'm helping someone and making a difference in this world. I see little old people wandering around all the time struggiling by themselves. It would be nice if they had someone to count on. Fuck their useless family members who dont care about them.

If I lose a lot more weight by next summer, I'd like to get a breast lift and reduction. I'm aiming for a solid C cup. E to a C i dont think thats too bad. Obviously as long its proportionate for my body.

Flights back home are 337 right now. I wanna book a trip. I need to invest in some new clothes. I'll be damned if a man has a better fashion sense then I do. Stupid lulus.

I've seen Ben 5x in the last week. I think thats pretty good. Knowing my luck, I doubt he wants anything. I dont know if he is who he says he is either. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I dont know him. I'm getting a colective opinion and my girls dont think he is. My friends have met him already. Niki, Kirstyn and Mara. They all get along with him. I asked my bestfriend what she thought. She said he's not boyfriend material. I was like why because I shouldnt date him or because you dont think he'll want to be. She said both. Shes probably right. He doesn't give off the boyfriend vibe. Probably just end up as someone else I've slept with. Nothin special... I dont want to waste my time with fuck buddys anymore. He doesnt kiss like I do, he's aggresive. He can be really gentle too. I dont know, it turns me on just thinking about him. Which doesnt happen often.... Grr, ok next time I see him I'm gunna see if he wants to do something other then hang at my place and that will be the verdict. He held my hand in front of my friend. Doubt it means anything but it really made me happy.

He was giving me shit for not working. I guess next time he says hows job hunting going I'll have to say I'm not looking for a job. He wont understand. I wont tell him about Aish or my disability unless he's sticking around.

It's my bestfriends 21st this weekend. The one person who loves me unconditionally. I've been up pretty late the last two weekend. I'm knackered.



I just dont care anymore....

Thank you God

Just had the biggest blessing. Aish approved me. It's such a relief.

Remind me If Shawn trys to talk to me ever again to tell him to go fuck himself. I hate that guy.

Ben... I dont know. I liked him till he talked about hooking up with my friend... not cool. Dunno if hes bein serious or if he's just trying to get a rise out of me. Fuck my trust issues man. Way to make me like you less. At least I'm keeping it real. Who knows, I'm just getting to know him right. I think he's made it crystal that I'm prob just gunna be some chick to him. I really need to start hanging out with dudes who actually take me on dates. I just need to try not to get emotionally invested in this one, so I dont get hurt when he fucks off like the rest of them.

I do give him props for making an effort to see me tho. He's spent a fair bit of time with me, which is nice. Pops in by surprise. I know I'm being insecure. I just feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. That I'm not beautiful. I've just been made to feel ugly and useless by so many people. No matter how many of my friends tell me I'm beautiful I just cant see it.

Can I not just find someone who genuinly likes me and only me?

I'm in such a shitty mood. Fuckin in pain for the last week and a half.

Hoping things finally fall into place and I catch that much needed break.

Oh Fall

Love fall hate winter. Stupid winter is coming, I dont mind the snow but I hate the ice and the freezing temps, If I had a car I would hate driving in it too.

Soooo I spent some time with this dude named Ben last week. He's cool, I like him. Hope I get to spend more time with him. He's had an interesting life. The older I get the crazier peoples stories get. Including mine. He seems to be really honest, which I like. Tuesday he came over, we watched a movie, he met my best friend Kirstyn. He didn't try anything, I told him I wasnt looking to hook up. Couldnt really tell if he was into me. I mean I kinda thought but didnt want to assume. Cause he wasnt really coming onto me. He did tell me I'm gorgeous. He makes me smile. We kissed bye at the door.

I was totally thinking how awesome it would be if he came over the next morning and gave me cuddles... sure enough the next morning he asked if he could come crawl into bed with me... Totally made my week. He's so funny, he makes me laugh. "I'm cereal you guys" u had to be there. He's sweet too. I was having a smoke in my stoop, and he just rubbed my shoulders. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with seeing him again but I hope I do. He has the prettiest eyes. I try not to be so insecure with myself but its hard. I'm just trying to play it cool and see what happens. I'm trying not to talk about him a lot with my friends. I'm not telling them everything either. I figure if he sticks around I'd like there unbiased oppinion.

Oh and he has the best wardrobe of anyone I've seen. Lulu sweats, DC hoodies, DC shoes, sweet ball caps. Kinda wish his lip was still pierced. Thats hot. I feel like I need to be hotter standing next to him... fuck I need new clothes... an income first damnit.

Friday morning at 4am I got a text from my mom saying she was calling 911. She had to take a ambulance to the hospital. I stayed on the phone with her till they got there. Fuuuuck! My step dad is in Egypt for the last few months. My brothers phone was off, so she was all by herself. I had to call my sister and let her know mom was in the hospital. I had like no sleep that day. My mom has me as her executive so If anything happens to her I make the call. She's a DNR and she knows if it came down to it I would be the one to respect her wishes. When she had her gastric bypass something went wrong and she almost died. My step dad gave her a blood transfusion and she was pissed. It's her personal belief. I fully believe that its your life. We all die any way. If you dont want to prolong it then dont. If I was ever in a coma, two weeks is all I want to be kept on life support. If I cant stay alive on my own, let me go in peace.

Anyway, turned out to be her heart. She had a blood clot in the arttery that pumps blood out of her heart. The non invasive procedure worked, so far. So they dont need to operate right now. Thank god. She's home now. I had like 4 hrs of sleep that whole day and then I went out at night cause i promised my bestie. I didnt get to bed till like 5am. That never happens. Safe to say my body is paying me back. I gotta go do it again next weekend cause its her 21.

OMG I LOVE THE YOUNG MONEY CD. Listen to Shanell-Play in my Band ft Lil Wayne. "I'm a fuck her face off, fuck her waist off,... " and "Can you make me sound like the strings you're playin?"

What a week.