-85lbs BABY!!!

I have officially lost 85lbs, all of my marriage baggage is gone just in time for the new year. I officially weigh less then I did when I met my ex in 2004. 15lbs to go!!! HELL FUCKING YEAH!

Dear ex husband, cause I know you're going to read this u creeper lol. Thank you for setting me free. It's the best gift you ever gave me.

In regards to it being the holidays. Doesn't mean much to me, I haven't had a real xmas with my family since 2002.

Big shout out to my sister her bday was yesterday. HAPPY 21 BDAY BABY SIS!!! WISH I COULDA BEEN THERE!! She can now go to the clubs when my friends and I go out. She doesn't really drink tho cause she's epileptic.

Clean Slate for the new year. Every pound I loose this next year is a new number I've never seen b4. I'm leaving the men I've had in my life this year behind. Goodbye Jamie, Brad, Shawn and Tim. Brad and Tim you guys meant a lot. Unfortunatly due to this mistreatment I've had; this good girls gone bad, and I kinda like it. "Once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever." Brad and Tim. I'll miss you guys. You'll probably hear from me on you're bdays but that'll be it. Tim, what I wouldn't give for another go ;P can u wear ur toolbelt and hard hat? haha. Anyways peace out guys xoxoxo good luck with everything.

My sister is seeing someone. I'm happy for her. She was so bummed out when I saw her last. Her bestie was moving, she had no man, no job, no school. Just her art. Well she's in school, made new friends, she met a guy in school. He took her out for dinner and a movie for her 21 bday. I'm really happy for her. She's not like me. She doesn't sleep with guys when she likes them. So she'll probably have a more successfull relationship then I manage to have..

My bestie told me I should just look for a guy on pof on intimate encounters. I just can't bring myself to do that. I changed my profile for women back to one for men tho to be honest. I don't have much interest at the moment and I have no sex drive so there u go.

I was so bummed the other day. My friend gave me a present then I saw my bestie and she gave me the best card ever. There were two old ladies on the front cover bantering "do you remember this" "no do u remember this" "No, do u remember..." Then on the inside it had a bunch of dumb quotes we used to make up for facebook when were hanging out and dumb things we did. Heres a few ...

"Walking the yellow brick line" this did happen

Me: "I fell of the ET ride" what really happened
her: "she tripped out and fell off the bench and rolled down the hill" this didn't actually happen. Well I did trip out but I didn't fall off the bench.

"Bush fucking bush, tree" Instructions to our top secret hangout spot

Her: "Elli why did u throw the muffin out the window"
Me: "The muffin was invading my space, it needed to exit the vehicle"

Fuck wish I could remember the rest but of course she told me the whole time she was writing it out she was laughing and everyone asked what she was doing. "Writing a card to my bestie." I read the card and nearly pissed myself. You wanna know what I'm really like? Let's go on an adventure and light one, good times are bound to follow.

Unfortunatly my memory failed me and I left not only my present but my card at the train station. I coulda cried. I was so upset about my stupid fucking memory. I'm hoping lost and found has it even if it's just the card. I don't care. Probably not but lets have faith it's xmas. Both friends know what happened.

Oh my new roommie is so cute. I woke up and he had filled the spice wrack. Then he fixed our ghetto ass shower. It had a hanger holding up the head. You can tell he's a type a personality. Haha we'll see how well that goes. I met his Aussie friend Laura yesterday. She's a cutie.

Xmas plans xmas eve going to Jill and Brandons and doing dinner and secret santa. Xmas day haven't decided but probably get a small bottle get trashed stumble downstairs have xmas dinner then stumble back up stairs back to my little hole and watch movies all day. Anyway time to get crackin. Happy Holidays to my homies.

Tuesday

Quick update ... these are some pics i took of me the night of the party. Better ones are to follow. had my physio apt yesterday, almost puked on her table. Nausea awful. Back fucking ridiculous. Saw the social worker. They don't want me taking public transit, I'm too sick for that. They have alternative means that u don't need to know about. They may want me to leave my job in the new year. They think I'm doing too much and aish may not approve me cause I'm working the 15 hrs. So if that's the case bye job. They know I only work just to get by and honestly I'm having a hard time keeping on top of things. My boss pissed me off today, trying to tell me I'm not disabled. REALLY THATS THE ONLY EFFING REASON I WORK 3 HRS A DAY!!! WHAT DO U THINK I'M LAZY?! DO I GIVE OFF THAT IMPRESSION?! I was pissed, and no i don't give off that impression, I work my ass off and she knows it. Which is why i didn't get in trouble for bitching her out last week. She had nothing to say about it. She tried to rub my back later and I asked her not to touch me. I was in serious pain so the lightest touch hurt.

Anyway I had a random day. After work I met up for coffee with my adopted mom from England. She's ex British police and her husband is a cop. So I go to sit down and oh guess who I see? 2 other on duty cops that I know with another one of their cop friends. So had a lovely hr and a half coffee with 2 of my cop buddies a new cop I didn't know, my adopted mom and another one of cop wives friends. It's weird, that life feels like another lifetime ago. I don't really talk to the rest of them on a regular basis. My life is so different then it used to be, I'm not a homemaker anymore, and who really wants to hear about my medical treatment. I don't go into detail with a lot of people.

ok gotta go. Makin lasagna and I feel blah.

Too close to home

You wanna know what my life is like? Go see the movie Love and other drugs. It depicts how my relationships work based off my health. I cried.

Here's what my life is like ... I work 15hrs a week to bring in around $700 that covers rent, bus pass (barely) and the little bit of food I can afford. I can't afford my medication. That's how broke I am. I'm trying to get help with that. When my family asks how I am it's hard to tell them with a smile on my face that I'm getting by. I try and stay positive so they don't worry. I called my mom balling in November. I think it scared her a little bit. I don't really cry these days. Last winter my family was really there for me. I was battling with depression because of the new illness and it was my first holiday season alone, divorced and without my family. I went from my 2g a month salary to this. It's a little hard to handle.

I like to think I'll get better. The reality is there is no cure to fybromyalgia and the face pain is spreading to the other side of my head. Right now I just spend my time trying to live. I made a decision that even though my life may be limited I still want to live it to the best of my abilities. My memory is getting worse. I have to document everything and keep everything in the same spot otherwise I'll loose things. I get very upset and frustrated when I lose things. My friends are constantly here for my bouts of depression. The days where I cant get out of bed they come over to just talk to me and lay with me. They've admitted it's hard to see me in that much pain.

Some days I can't even hold my hair brush. I have to keep my hair up in a bun cause I can't brush it. You know why I burnt my stomach the other day? Because my wrist gave out on me. My hand shook and I spilt water all down the front of me. I almost cried. Not from the pain, I was ashamed that I couldn't hold my goddamn cup of water. After the movie I told Brenda one of the reasons my ex gave me for not wanting to be together.. He didn't want a wife who was sick. The reason he wanted to see me the other weekend is because he wanted to say sorry for not being there for me when I was in the hospital. He didn't want a wife who was sick, so he didn't come to the hospital with me. The first time he came to visit me. I had to go back again and again and he didn't come. I could go into more detail about our fucked up relationship but I wont. I appreciated the apology from him and his girlfriend.

If I don't scare a guy with the idea of having someone to cuddle and spend the night with.. I scare them off with being sick. Can you imagine what it's like for me to have to tell someone I'm seeing that I'm sick? I decided that I'm not going to let anyone stick around long enough to hurt me. If I sleep with someone I'll kick them out after, or get dressed and leave. There wont be any falling in love for this chick. I am not getting my heart broken when I tell them I'm sick. I'm not investing in that much emotion. This isn't an easy decision to make, it actually makes me want to cry. If I find someone worth keeping around well then they'll just have to figure out how to break through my barrier. This is pretty much what that movie is about with some crazy humor. I wouldn't mind having Anne Hathaway's sex life in that movie tho. That's what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.

I am glad I got the chance to tell Brad over the phone everything. I'm very grateful that he called. That was very mature of him. Took him long enough lol.

Thank god for the scene card I forgot I had. Free movies, YAY! I'm seriously going to buy it when It comes out. It does help that I'm not the only one going through this. I go through a lot of the emotions she goes through in this movie.

My posts will not be as frequent as of this week. I wont have a comp or internet at home anymore. Laptop broken (on roommates who's moving) and Internet can't afford. I'm really hoping my new roommate has a video game console random I know but I could do with some mindless entertainment.

I think Sun is going to be a day of sleep. Sounds good to me.

Inspiring Others

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Check it out!!! On Goodlife Fitness's website!

RIP JASON

RIP my friend. "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."

He died at the age of 28 leaving behind a little boy. Please pray for his family.

Alcohol abuse, he didn't want to be here anymore and I understand why, it's a cruel world. His life was stolen and he will be missed. He was too young.. it's not fair. I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet him and our bullshitting always made me laugh. I wish I had the chance to get to know him better. I wish I could be there for my mom and his family.

I could use a cuddle and maybe a shoulder.. shaping up to be a rough week.

Oh Monday how I loathe you.

I could so use a cuddle and a back rub right about now, I'm so crabby. My roommate said he likes when I smoke I'm not so irritable. My response ... I like me when I smoke too, it's cause I'm in pain and I haven't gotten laid and I have no patience..

This last week kicked my ass. Cut my knuckle open, I burnt my stomach with boiling water from the kettle (nice big burn mark too)the same day I did that my colleague slammed my hand into the drawer.. compared to the burn it didn't hurt so bad, had a cat climb up my leg, then I fell on ice and of course I was more concerned about my baby phats getting ruined then my injury. I think my pain threshold is getting higher .. time for a new tat or piercing I think haha.

I got a comment on one of my facebook pics from my Bestie Jason. I have a lot of Besties I'll tell u in a min. So he said "seriously liz, i cry sometimes when i tell your story cause i'm so proud of you:D you are gorgeous (and now I don't have to add that little disclaimer on the end like i used too:D)" The little disclaimer he's talking about ... "You're so pretty for a plus size girl" Now he doesn't have to say for a plus size girl. I'm almost out of the plus sizes YAY! I'm fortunate I hold my weight throughout my whole body. The rest of my family holds it all in their stomach and face unfortunately.

Ok so my Besties ... I'm the girl who has always had a lot of friends but these are some of my closest.

Jason - Gay bestie in Cali 11yrs (org cali)
Sarah- she was fun ;) 13yrs Utah (org Cali)
Vell- Carebear giver 11 or 12 yrs Japan (org cali)
Deb- Old boss/bestie I partied with 3.5 yrs (England)
Kirstyn- ex colleague 2yrs (Calgary)
Niki- ex colleague 2yrs (Calgary)
Jill- friend of a friend 6 mos (Calgary)

Was up at 4.30 td so I could get a workout in b4 work. Always an hr of cardio. If I could actually get my ass out of bed when my alarm goes off that would be awesome. I should set it for 3.30 and then maybe I'd get out of bed at the right time lol. Never used to hit snooze. I always end up working more hours then I'm paid. U know what, people need to stop messing up my shit. Of course I'm always really nice to them. It's been better since the last meeting we had but Mondays are always the worst cause I have 3 days worth of work to do in one day. I hate when they mess up my stuff and it doesn't balance. Seriously this next year is all about focus. I'm trying to get into personal training and to become a fitness manager. I talked to the regional td and he gave me some tips. He's freakin ripped. He asked who my trainer was cause we were talking about the party. I told him no trainer. The look on his face ... it was an awesome feeling. I told him it's taken me a while tho nearly a year and a half. He was like "that's still pretty solid tho." He teaches one of the courses so when I finally get some dosh I'll take it. He's coming to my party. I know half of my friends in Calgary will come.

If any of my readers who live in Calgary or Edmonton want to come u totally should. I know there are a few on here who are local. I'll post the details on here when I get them. It would be cool to meet u guys. Thank god for my stats report lol.

I'm in the process of makin dinner.. Baked chicken with rosemary and thyme, mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts. You know what I miss, cabbage and yorkshire pudding. I've had the weirdest cravings this week it's french toast and last week it's cheddar popcorn. I never eat either lol. Tho I tell ya I'll be making some french toast as soon as I remember to pick up cinnamon. If this is all random it's cause I decided to have some alcohol tn and now I'm drunk (cheap drunk). I rarely drink, usually every few weeks. Tho when Tim was around it was every time he was here. I was nervous. For some reason I get really nervous when I'm sleeping with someone new. I'm a spaz, I shouldn't even attempt to be sexy cause I'll just look like a tard. My roommate moves around the 15th of the month. I had a chick look at it yest and I have an aussie dude looking at it tn. Right now I'm in my roommates room, he's in the living room and he's working on getting a sander to do the floors in my room at the landlords request.

I was talking to my friend the other day who has fybromyalgia and she has memory loss too. It's called fybro fog. It fucking blows added with the memory loss from the added pain (apparently common). Now that I'm in the other room it's messed with my routine. I don't know where anything is. I dont know where my calendar is so I cant write the usual down.. who I've seen and what I've done. So I'm constantly confused and can't find things. If I can fix my memory I might apply to UofA next year to get a dietitian degree. We'll see.

My friends 30th was fun. Her brothers are hysterical. One was trying to make up an excuse to tell his wife so he can go to vegas lol. Orange shag.. that had me laughing for ages.I don't remember what I said to her parents (I hate meeting peoples parents). I know I talked to her dad about his ferrari's. I talked to random people I now need to ask who they were' Dude at my party seriously I'm gunna try and get name tags. It's so bad as soon as someone tells me their name I forget it. Sometimes I get all awkward trying to remember their name. Fortunately I knew some of these people before the memory loss.

Everyone keeps trying to get me to move home. I don't know why they bother. My dad was like "why did u have to move so close to the north pole?" I've thought about Maine,North Carolina, Hawaii, US Virgin Islands. Somewhere by the ocean. Eventually I need to be by the sea. Surfing and sailing ... on my bucket list with add to do's. Just taking it a day at a time.

Hahahaha oh so the other day my friend texts me "OMG BRAD JUST CALLED ME AND ORDERED A TAXI" she told me all the things she wished she could have said. Who knows if it was really him but she said it was from his apt complex 17th floor. I was like dude kill him with kindness. I'm not in the business of being mean to people. Haha she said by next year she'll have a list of guy's ass's to kick and Brad will be at the top. Ok I have to stop typing. I say exactly what's on my mind when I drink.


... Long pause...

OK so I think I just found my next roommie. Aussie guy was awesome. Talked for ages. Fingers crossed!!!!! Ok showing a house when ur drunk ... not so easy. Haha I think he knew but it's all good. He wants to take it, he said. Who wouldn't I'm awesome and the place from the inside is cool. Ok i'm so done with my blog tn I'm too drunk for this and spell check is getting complicated. PARTY WITH THE AUSSIE HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!

ps. I just reread this shit drunk and I don't know how u guys do it LOL.

230

AHHHHH!! I hit 230 yesterday!!! About fucking time. My first goal is almost achieved 227. After that it's 213, my 100lb weightloss. Then 199. It's so close I can feel it 31 lbs. I was gunna have a little party at home but now it's turned into this big deal at work. Were gunna have a huge party invite all clubs from Calgary and my manager is trying to get a banner of me made up and hang it from the second floor in Superstore at Deerfoot meadows so everyone can see it and come to the party. Now I get this is for marketing but I don't even care. It serves a bigger purpose getting people to join the gym. It's about getting people into a healthier lifestyle. If I can do it anyone can.

I was in such a shitty mood when I woke up wed. I thought it would be a good idea to pof Tim and tell him how dumb he's being and to stop spazing cause I didn't ask him for anything and blah blah. The usual, pretty much. I wasn't even drunk, I don't even have an excuse. Anyway point is I was pissed wed cause he deleted it. I felt dumb for sending it anyway. I mean it's good that he read it but I'm not dumb. I'll never see him again. It's my own fault I was just a piece of ass. One and only time I've done that, tho I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent with him, now that it's done I feel cheap. So I wont be repeating this with anyone else. So to work off my mad I kicked my own ass at work 1hr 30min work out then a body flow class after work. Next day I took a combat class, I love that class, it's intense.

I've come to the conclusion that every guy I've ever slept with has turned out to be a total fucking prick. I'm totally holding out.. I haven't been with many people and Tim would be the last. I'm taking a break. I've been on a few dates since Tim and I felt nothin and I was bored. I had some really fucked up dates recently actually. Had to escape at the flames game. Felt hella bad and wanted to see the game cause it was my first time but I don't use people so I bailed. He hates me, but he shouldn't have been so pushy. First time I met the guy and he tried to stick his hand in my pocket to hold my hand. Fuck that, what a creeper. I told him we shoulda met first, I didn't even want to go with him. Follow gut instinct!! He's just mad cause I wasn't into him. He asked what I thought of him at the game (awkward) I told him he's not my type but I wouldn't mind being friends with him. Whatevs, u try and be nice and ur still a bitch so I don't care. I had a nice freezing cold walk home.

Honestly there aren't very many people I've had a spark with..

There was Bryan, who I never slept with. He loved me. I was 18 my mom is so embarrassing, we all went for lunch and she asked him if he loved me. He said he did and he used to tell me all the time. When I was leaving California he asked me not to go... said he'd stop doing drugs.. I didn't believe him so I left. I cried in my moms arms over that one. I tried to help him and get him to come up to Washington to finish school and start college. I promised him when I left I'd be back to visit in 6yrs. I pulled that number out of my ass. I came back after 4yrs tried to find him.. couldn't find him. Came back at 6yrs and by fate I ran into him. We spent some time together, he spent the last night I was there with me (still didn't sleep with him). I was really proud of him. He was doing good. Working full time, had his own place. I didn't find out until my last trip home when I couldn't find him that he was still using. It made me really sad. That drug is so hard to kick.

There was Brad. We didn't spend a lot of time together at all. For some delusional reason I liked him a lot. There was a spark, instantly at least for me. The last time I saw him it was perfect. My friends didn't think he was cute (pic) but I was totally attracted to him. I'm thinking about inviting him to my 100lb party. Doubt he'll come but he can bring his gf along. If I can deal with meeting my ex husbands gf I can deal with meeting Brad's.

Then there was Tim ... I called that one. To be honest other then the way he left he was good to me when he was here. I'll never forget that first kiss. His hand was on the side of my stomach, he kissed my shoulder (love, love love that, I get shivers), then my mouth. He was always so gentle with me. Brush my hair out of my face so gently so he could kiss me. I think he got spooked. I think he thought I wanted more. Which is true, but I wasn't asking for it yet. I still wanted to get to know him. He's actually very beautiful. He was the most masculine out of all of the guys I've ever dated. After Brad I decided I liked my men Tall with some meat on em and some muscles of course. I like masculine men, a lot! I like feeling small and girly and I like being the submissive one. Believe me I can dominate but I'd rather not.

Now I didn't have a spark for my ex husband, no instant attraction. I did love him tho. My friends tell me when I meet the one I'll know. Well I thought I knew before but I guess I was wrong. Relationships shouldn't be so complicated and right before I walked down the isle I hesitated. My friend said with the right one you wont hesitate. So if I have hesitation with any guy I date I should stop seeing them, cause I usually do? I have a fear of commitment ... I would however have taken it slow with Brad and Tim because I liked them. Jumping into a relationship would trip me out. Though if I'm seeing someone and I like them I'd want it to be exclusive.


Today's my gf's 30th. Should be fun. Oh it was Thanksgiving the other day. Called my g-ma and my aunt was there. She gave me a lecture about posting private things on FB. Child please ... I don't give a shit what people think, if they dont like it then they don't need to be on my facebook and no one is going to fire me over my fb status's. The career path I'm choosing is all about the pr. To be honest I'm not really close to my extended family. I've maybe seen them a little over a handfull of times in my life. They dont ever call to say whats up. Most of them are uptight and need to take a chill pill. If I can't talk freely to people who are my own blood it's pointless trying to make a relationship last. I'm not important to them. My grandma is good though. She checks up on me from time to time.

I talked to a family member the other day who keeps steadily gaining weight. It makes me want to cry especially since they had a gastric bypass almost died lost all the weight then gained it back. IT IS A SLOW SUICIDE .. YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF .. OPEN YOUR EYES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO LIVE A VERY LONG TIME.

Denial is a persons worst enemy.

My dad and my Trini gma called. She hasn't lost her Caribbean accent. They want to see me. Hoping to surprise my dad for his 50th. I'd like to see them. They were talking about coming to visit, but I wont bank on that. People aren't dependable.

Oh I forgot ... I met my physio this week. Took two hours to look at my spine and neck and to discuss injurys I've had to my spine. Was kinda embarrassing to admit to car surfing and injuring my tailbone she asked how in regards to the tailbone. Truth or dare lol. I was such a dumb ass. I will never car surf or run on ice again, I will also not jump into a pool that is starting to ice over and then proceed to get into the spa. However the dare to make my gay bestie run around the cold ass pool butt ass naked ... priceless. Anyway as I suspected my spine might be the cause of all of my problems. I've booked the next 3 apts with her already. This sounds promising. I also had a review at work and it went awesome.

Anyway I'm gunna go day dream about the last man who was in my life.. and then I'm gunna enjoy my day with friends. Have a great weekend everyone :)