Getting real

Weekend:
So I decided to cut the crap and not hold back and just say what I'm thinking. The last week has been interesting. My bff in Calgary went out of town for the weekend so I was left to my own devices. I actually kept busy and had a great weekend, minus the annoying drunk 18 yr olds who couldn't sort their own rides out. They almost caused me to smoke. I had serious considerations but thought better of it. I met this total cutie at the party. OMG!!! He was stunningly beautiful.

Guy I've crushed on for far too long:
It's the guy I likes bday outing this weekend. He's such an ass hole. I mean really, u know there is no hope when the guy doesn't even want u at his birthday. That's a huge insult. I hope he changes his mind. It's times like this when I think you don't know if you want to see me again. I'm the one who should be saying that. Look how u treat me. I'm not blind. Here are the reasons he may not want to see me.

a. "He's just not that into me"
b. He's just not that into me" but he's keeping me as a reserve. I DON'T PLAY SECOND BEST!!!!
c. He does like me but he's been burned and doesn't want to get hurt.

You know what ur a dumbass. You make me not want to talk to you, because u make me feel like I can't talk to you freely. I don't like having to bite my tongue. My friends don't think your cute. I defend you. Sometimes I wonder if he judges me based off the things mentioned in Chronic pain centre. If he does then he's just not the kind of guy I want to be with anyway.

Yah I know ur all thinking kick him to the curb. Heard it a billion x's. I'm actually numb him being a dick doesn't phase me anymore.

Chronic Pain Centre:
So I had my orientation this week. It was hard. I went by myself. It could take another 3-12 months to see a doctor through them. I will however have access to a full medical staff. I can also start taking the classes before I see the doctor. The lady giving the presentation talked about how their primary goal isn't to find out what's wrong with you it's to teach you how to live with chronic pain. I may never know what causes these headaches and facial pain. They may never have a cure. She was talking about how we will learn acceptance. Learn to deal with the fact we are sick and will be sick for the rest of our lives. I cried. That is not a reality I have wanted to admit. When she said that I made a point of saying other peoples acceptance.

I have lost so much being sick. My ex husband (tho not the only reason it was a reason), my job, had to get roommates, car, two places i've lived in. I think for losing everything, I've learned something other people will never learn. I've learned to be humble. It's not about what you have in life. It's about who you are and what you believe in. I know right now I'm struggling. I don't think it will always be like this. I don't like not being able to live a normal life. I'm faced with the reality that it's a possibility I might not get to have.

I talked to my best friend about other peoples acceptance. He told me he had a hard time accepting I'm sick and still does. He said sometimes he thinks i'm just shitting him. Then he remembers why would I want such a shitty life to pretend to be sick. I was crying as I read what he wrote to me. These are the people who love me. The people who stand by my side.

It makes it so hard to meet someone new with all of my baggage. Divorced at 24, sick, jobless, broke. Them knowing that, it's what they'll judge me on. Not my awesome personality or that i'm getting through my struggles. I also don't really want to share the details of my illness unless I know them better.

It's a lot to deal with, I do have a really hard time sometimes.

Career prospect:
So one of my goals for weight loss is to become a personal trainer. A buddy of mine is hooking me up with a reference at the gym. I'm going to try and get a pt job in CS. Until I am capable of going full time. Then when I am I'll start taking my courses to become a personal trainer. So fingers crossed I get the job and that it works out the way I want and I like it. Working at a gym will be great for keeping myself motivated on my own weight loss goals. God my buddy made me feel so guilty.

The bet:
22 pounds in 5 weeks. If I win I get 2 new pairs of pants ... If I lose, well i just wont let that happen. It hasn't even been discussed what i'd give him. He'd prob make me do something dumb in public lol. GAME ON!!!

I've been in a pretty good mood this week. I have had some funks. I try my best not to get bummed out.

My New Place

So I have lost all perception of time. I have been staying at my new place for a few nights now. I can't remember when I started staying here lol crap. Not sure. I can't wait to be all unpacked so when I forget where I put something I can see where I put it. Such as my pants. I'm always losing my pants or my shirt lol. I know that's random but I always take them off and never remember where in my house I put them. Since I haven't unpacked in my new place it makes it much harder to find in my room. I almost fb my gf this morning to ask her if she remembered where I took my pants off ln lol. I have this sick room in my house. We call it the green room "we" being the privileged who have been cool enough to chill in the green room. I wont explain too much about my green room cause it's too cool to talk about it has to be seen. It's my relaxation room. I just got some incense nagchampa mmm i love that scent.

I have to get back into my gym routine. The good thing about my new place is it's right around the corner from the chronic pain centre. I'm going to be spending a lot of time there. How random is that. I didn't even know that when I took the place. Fate I guess. Life is good. I'm happy. I'm broke but happy. Trying not to stress. I don't panic too often. I did last week thanks to a few epiphanies i had and a few bubbles that burst. The summer is coming and going so fast. Time just keeps flying by. I'm making new friends fast. If i wasn't broke and sick I'd have more hobbies. You never know tho this pain centre I could make a load of friends who understand what I'm going through. I have pretty much been maintaining my weight up and down a few pounds. I haven't really cooked in over a month or so. I went grocery shopping td. I need to get back into a routine.

Nothing new on the guy front. There is this guy who wants to see me. I'm apprehensive. I don't know what to do, I've been putting him off for weeks now. I had no intention of seeing this guy but I can't wait around for the other guy anymore ... the only person stopping us from being an "us" is him ... so why am I waiting around? Time to move on ... it hurts, and I don't really want to. I can't keep holding on to nothing.

Curve Ball

Life likes to throw curve balls at you. So anyone who knows me or cares about me knows what happened last month and why I'm moving. I found a place. It's unique lol. I think I chose this place because I knew it would be interesting and have character. It's in a great location. I know nothing about downtown and I'm kinda scared about it. I mean seriously with all that I've been through and all that I've seen I'm afraid to live downtown. I think what it is, is that this is the first time I've done something completely 100% on my own. It's freaking me out. It will be a new experience and I think it's just what I need.

I am realizing a lot of things the last couple of weeks. I'm changing a lot, I've changed a lot. In a lot of ways life has made me harder in the last year. It has also made me appreciate the good things in life and the good people that have entered my life. It's also making me realize what kind of person I want to have in my life and how I want to be treated by people. What is and is not acceptable.

I booked my tickets back home. I'm looking forward to it. Seeing my friends. It's prob going to end up being a poor financial choice on my part. However I need to get away from here for a little while. The guy I like came back from Vegas and everything went exactly as I expected it to, he's ridiculous. I never listen to people. This is my problem. I'm fucking stubborn and my heart and head say two different things ... the head is finally starting to win. The heart can only take so much. Whatever. It's time ... it's been almost a year since I started talking to him. Of course I still want him but he says he's busy and what that says to me is your not important enough for me to make time for. I can't be dumb anymore. I look like a fool.

The goal jeans

So I can button the goal jeans ... I can zip up the pre wedding jeans and close them and I can zip up my leather jacket. All still a bit too tight 21.2 pounds to go. You know your almost there when all of the above happens ... 248.2 WOOT!!

I would like to say I bitch and complain a lot and my life is tough and sometimes I'm lonely this is my blog this is where i vent, but I am Happy a lot happier then I used to be. I could be happier; there are things that could be improved but I am happy.

I found a dealer to buy my car ... not the price I wanted at all I wanted 6 he's offered me 4 ... going to see if I can find a few more places tm see if they can offer me more if not i'll take it back to him and sell. At least I'll have money for a little while. I can finally get a hair cut, pay some bills, get some clothes that fit, and visit my family.

The guy I like is in Vegas this week ... FML. I hope when he gets back he sees me. I wish he'd stop dicking me around. I know all I do is bitch about this guy lol. I generally have a good time when i'm with him he makes me laugh. All my friends have no hope. I don't know if I'm optimistic or pessimistic. I guess I'm kinda numb about it. So much let down from him if something good happened i'd be surprised and happy. Like when he added me to FB i was shocked and speechless. Especially since he hadn't said anything to me since he'd seen me in two weeks and then just added me. I feel kinda bad my best friend was in the middle of telling me a story and I saw he added me I missed half the story because my mind went blank from shock. It sounded like an interesting story ... yelling a gang banger cause he was woken up when drunk and didn't realize the guy had a gun lol i missed the rest ... thank god he was alive to tell me. California I swear. Anyway since he's been gone I've had crazy ass dreams. My cousin says when you dream about them it means they are thinking about you. I bet it's bullshit. Lol he's in Vegas, please.

So I'm going home for a visit. Haven't bought the tickets yet. Tho i need to get into some kind of trouble. Not getting arrested or having sex. I imagine there will be a hangover and vomiting involved. Usually is. First day back last year. Didn't make it through the first night without puking lol. As soon as I got in the car the stopped to pick up a bottle and we were drunk before we even got home lol. I love my entourage who meet me at the airport every time without fail. I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

We may be planning a random road trip or plane trip cause that's how we roll. Show up at the airport and go somewhere. I need some excitement. My girl Kris has been keeping me sane getting me out of my house and keeping me laughing. I owe her big time when i'm not broke. A vacation or something. I really hope I can work again. Or get some kind of an income. I cant spend the rest of my life in the house I'll go fucking crazy. I'm running out of things to day dream about. I think my buddy at the gym has moved to the other gym. I think I may have to visit him seeing as he hinted at it. Ok he didn't hint at it so much as said i'm going to the other gym and u should come see me lol. I hope that's the case otherwise he went in for his surgery :( and I don't know about it. I should ask next time i go in.

Fuck I think I'm just rambling on. I've been so bored. Oh so Kris and I found this awesome spot today. We had a little picnic. We are sitting on this ridge cause that's our thing. You know those little things you blow on to make a wish, the things with the fluff (they are actually weeds lol) well a whole bunch blew past us ... I'm taking that as good luck so I made a wish. Anyway that would so be a good spot to star gaze with someone. It's been so long since i've laid out on a summer night and star gazed. I went in to visit her at work yesterday. God one of our old store managers (I used to work there too) was such a bitch about telling her to get back to work ... Fuck authority ... Anybody who knows me knows I hate being told what to do ... and by her telling Kris to get back to work she was kicking me out lol cause I had no one else to bug I had said hi to everyone else that I used to work with already.

I'm not an overly rude person by nature. I mean sometimes I am rude about the way I phrase things. When I'm annoyed. I have no patience lately since I've quit smoking. I also have a very short fuse since my roommate set off my rage due to the whole fight incident... my shoulder is still fucked up... I'm not usually an angry person and I very rarely am violent... Self defense. Tho lately when I'm angry I find myself needing to leave the situation and take very deep breaths so I don't freak out. Fortunately I only have a couple days left to put up with my roommate and she hasn't done anything to piss me off in front of me only things I notice when she's not home. Growing up the way I did it's very hard to control my anger. Which is why I keep my life as peaceful as possible. Like I said by nature I don't like to get angry. I don't like confrontation. Most people would probably think I'm a push over because I notice things that bother me and don't say anything because I'd rather just avoid confrontation, cause I know if i say something I'm going to be rude and it's going to start a fight.

Right now I just kinda feel like I'm floating through life. I have my goals but everything is kinda just on hold which is gay. It would be nice if I could have a special person to be a part of my life. My life is kind of unorganized. I have so many things I want to do. So many hobbies I want to take up. I wish i could be doing them right now, so frustrating bah ... lol ... U know what I need a guitar lol. I miss playing an instrument.

Oh yah so something cool that happened. When I walked into my old job yesterday. I hadn't gone in in a long time. Everyone looked at me kinda shocked because they hadn't seen me in so long and I had lost soo much weight. One was like wow u look good. The others didn't say anything they just looked at me up and down but u could tell they noticed they were surprised. Another said something when i mentioned how much I had lost. It's nice when people are happy for you or even when they are kinda jealous. What I wish they would realize is that they could do it to. It just requires being happy. You have the power to change your life and make you happy. You only get one life make the most of it :)

Feelings

So I went to the doctor yesterday. Bad news ... I was hoping when I got into the chronic pain centre they would be able to fix me up quick so I could get back to work by fall ... She said that wouldn't be the case. She said it's going to be a really slow process. I mean I'm fortunate, I'm going to have a team of specialists trying to help me manage the pain. She upped my medicine yesterday it's gone from 25mg to 100 in the matter of a few months. I've gotten rid of the percs because they are a shitty shitty drug. My memory loss isn't caused from the headaches. It could be caused from the vitamin B deficiency or maybe the Fybromyalgia. I have to get the Vitamin B tested again in 2 weeks. If it hasn't gone back up I need to get shots :( daily I think. How lame is that.

I've regressed at the gym. Probably because I've felt like ass the last few weeks. I'm not gaining weight which is good. I'm just not losing it as fast as I know I could be which is frustrating. I've asked a friend of a friend to try and help me sell my car since it's not going anywhere fast. I want her gone and I want her gone now. I want to go home for my birthday. I'm tired of looking at my four walls.

A lot happened last week. I basically confronted two friends about using me. Of course they both got defensive. One actually got into a fight with me. Messed up my wrist and shoulder. What can you do. It's not like this is the worst I've had. Just unfortunate when u feel like your walking on egg shells.

The guy I care about contacted me ... said he plans on seeing me again ... the question is when???? It obviously makes me happy, but that's what he said last time. It's nice to know he thinks about me. I swear he moves at snail pace lol. Ugh he's lucky I like him.

Other guys keep contacting me and I keep brushing them off. Perfectly good guys. Very attractive guys!!! It's just frustrating.

I don't feel great today ... I just wish the guy I like would hit me up for a cuddle lol.

That's a little bit psycho

Kris ... using those eye drops to sober herself up again lmao fucking hilarious!!!

The Pregnant leg photo dun dun dun ...

What an interesting week ... my life is so weird ... I can't even go into detail about the irony of this week ... there are no words ...

I can do this!

It's been really rough for me. I've been super sick. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. Tried to go to the gym Monday was there 5 min before i felt faint and had to leave. Last week I made it 3 days the week b4 i made it 4. It's made me angry because normally I go 5 days a week. I'm sleeping but not well. I ran out of medicine. I just got a refill. This week is supposed to be my hr and a half at the gym. I want to hit my goal by my birthday. I've just been frustrated because I've been in so much pain and sleeping a lot.

I'm watching Biggest Loser and crying as usual. There is so much pain in being fat. If you haven't been there then you don't know. I've been made fun of and tortured. I look in the mirror and at pictures and I don't see a beautiful person. I've wanted to die. Guys don't want me because they don't think I'm beautiful. My best friend when he came to see me in January he told me he was telling his other best friend that he wanted me to be at my goal weight. Not for vanity purposes but so people could see what a great person I am so they don't judge me for my weight anymore and they just purely see my personality. I didn't know what to say.

People are proud of me. It makes me feel good. My mom ... she saw a new picture of me the other day i was on web cam with her and the comp phone and she called my step dad over because she was so proud of the amount of weight i've lost since she saw me last. This guy I care a lot about. He chose not to see me for a long time. He saw me after four months and he complimented me and it was the best feeling I have ever had. It was so validating. A gf of mine complimented me she hadn't seen me in a long time and then saw me after I lost all of the weight. My best friend sees me on web cam and said he's so proud of me he was going to send me a box of cheezits tho I don't get why you'd send me my favorite junk food when i'm trying to lose weight ... We may need to have a conversation about that. Or if he does I may just need to save them and see how long I can keep them for without eating them lol.

My confidence level is going up which is something. I still have a long way to go and it's disheartening. 100 more pounds ... I can do it. I know I can. The only person who can stop me, is me. When I can work again I'm going to start looking into jobs at the gym. I need to get into something that is going to help me maintain my goal for the rest of my life. I will not fail. I will be healthy for the rest of my life. I have quit smoking.

Honestly I'm scared about what life has in store for me. I'm trying not to stress because where the hell is that going to get me. I have no income. I don't remember to do anything. I was out the other day with my gf's I forgot where I was. Lovely right? Fuck my fucking memory. I lose everything. I have a couple months until my lease is up. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. It would be easier if I had a normal cat unfortunately my cat has issues too. I'm hoping the chronic pain centre gets me in soon they can sort me out and I can start working by fall. Hoping my car sells asap. I hate being in debt. Well i don't have much else to say to be honest just thought i'd type out my feelings. Not particularly angry right now just kinda all emotional and a little lonely. Wishing I had someone special to share my life with. Tho I must remember I have a lot of important people in my life who love me ... I love you guys.