Fucked by the whole world

Trust ... Trust No One! How can you when no matter what you do you get fucked over? Sex is easy, relationships are hard. I want sex to mean something.

Have you ever been betrayed by the people closest to you? Family, close friends, roommate? I have. Have you ever been kicked while your down and continue to get kicked year after fucking year? I have. Maybe my problem is the people I have in my life. What If I saved and saved and saved, then left everyone behind to start my own life. The life I want, the life I deserve. The memories of the past to be gone because I will be a different person?

I want to be fit, successful, confident, happy. If I count on no one but myself how can I be let down? I'm tired of being hurt, sad, sick, broke, fat, used. I have a lot of anger and hurt inside. I just want one person I can count on for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I don't want children. Why would I want to bring them into a world where all of this exists? I'm angry and bitter tonight obviously. I have been going on walks this week. I've really enjoyed them. Just me, music and nature. FREEDOM!!!! Do I trust the people who once hurt me the most? Do I trust them not to let me fall? No I don't. I'm not going to say too much because tho I like to think my blog is read by people who know me and care, it will prob be read by people who know me but don't care and misinterpret what I have to say or think what I'm saying is fucked up. Honestly right now I don't give a shit.

I would talk about the new guy more but there isn't much to say yet, we had a good date, enjoyed some good laughs, he's funny and seems easy going and blunt. I'm not going to read too much into anything these days. Who knows where life is going to take me ... hopefully to my masseuse cause my back is killing me. I've let loose a little bit. It's fun however I hate having to babysit my friends when they chose to get carried away. Oh and if one more person says how nice I of a person I am I may just kick them in the crotch to prove them wrong. I am a nice person but people take advantage of that and they can fuck off.

Ps. I'm still broke and living off of Oranges, cereal, toast and water for the most part. Should help the weight loss lol. Oh and not to discredit the people who are good to me in this life ... i just wonder if and when they will fuck me over too. I wish I could trust someone ... on that note, goodnight.

Remembering to stay up to date

So I have loads of free time on my hands. When I'm not sleeping lol. The MRI has been booked for the end of feb which is great. Next Neurologist appointment is mid March I think st patty's day, maybe lol. So oddly enough last post I said I wanted to meet my ex's gf. Well there I am at blockbusters just paying for my movies and who do I notice across the room only because of his shoes lol (we never got that far in the clothes lessons, however we may have mastered socks with sandals) :P. Anyhow I go over and say hi, he told me his gf was there so I got the opportunity to meet her. She seems like a very nice woman, very outgoing like I am. I mean I knew she had to be nice. She's beautiful too. I'm very happy for them both. Just heard this quote on an MSN dating thing "Dating means never having to negotiate" It was written by a man but i think us ladies should apply some of these philosophies. Why do men get to run the show?

I don't understand the whole dating thing. I missed out on a lot of fundamental information having been the fat chick in high school with Muslim parents who was retarded when it comes to appearance (still working on that one lol). I call my frumpy days my celebrity in disguise look haha. Most days are celebrity in disguise day. Then getting married at a young age (by choice not by religion). Point of this story is I am retarded for not looking after my best interests and denial should not be an option. Lesson also learned date someone before you sleep with them. I'm an idiot. However Shit Happens.

I think last night/early this morning I found something I haven't found in a while. Despite how poorly I feel. Anyway what I found was ME lol. I felt creative this morning and happy. I wanted to draw and sing and dance. I wanted to go to the gym and quit smoking. I only smoked 3/4 of a cigarette today. Craving one right now lol. Went to the gym for a little bit. Tried to dance to a song at home but got tired. In fact I'm exhausted right now. Just taking it as it comes. I might try and draw if I'm feeling OK. My driving has been awful since I've been sick. I'm going to have to stop myself from driving. That sucks.

I'm trying to get back on track for my weight loss. Falling off the wagon sucks. Fortunately I have been monitoring my weight closely so i don't gain much. I want to be more active though and I forgot lol. I want to start having fun. I want to let loose a little bit. I want to feel better. I want to hike, bike, skate, rock climb, zip line; that would be fun if i can concur my fear of heights. Camp, river raft, tubing, sailing, the list goes on and on. I'm way off target for my weight loss by about 25 pounds. I'm hoping i can make it up with the exercise. I need some meditation. Some rain and inscents. I might try and take some of the classes offered at the gym while i'm not working. On days that i feel half decent. The pain meds aren't helping :(. I feel like a test subject. Well anyway that's my exciting adventures of my life in the last few days haha. Oh and I talked to my friend from Japan. That was nice he still has to call me back.

The New Year

So it's a new year. Thank fuck for that right ?? My BFF just came to visit. He's gone now and I miss him already. My other BFF called me from Japan and I missed it, gutted.

I realize that I've lost myself. I come across as very confident. I also realize I'm socially awkward, when I walk in somewhere on my own. I've lost the creative side to me; creating art and music. The last few years have taken a bit of a toll on me, I think. I also realize my Ex is a very nice person and I'm glad he's happy with his gf, I hope that at some point I get the opportunity to meet her. Divorce will be final soon which is good. I do hope we stay friends because good people don't come around often enough. I decided I was just going to be me and people can take me or leave me. I would rather be loved for me, so I can be the goofy nut that I am haha.

There is this guy I like. First time I've had feelings like this since I was 18. Kinda scary. I hope I get the opportunity to get to know him better. I get butterflies or aka anxiety lol. I wish I had the ability to read minds. That would be a usefull skill. If not maybe we'll be friends. I have a feeling he's been messed around by some fucked up chick. Hope he lets me in if that is the case.

Weightloss I'm getting back on track. I would like to start getting a gym routine. Maybe take some exercise classes. I miss boxing for real, but I need a boxing partner to use the boxing eqt at the gym. Really would like to learn how to board next winter. I'm still sick :( I have to get an MRI now and I'm on anti epeleptic medication. With a whole bunch of other meds. Hopefully we can find something to make it better. I miss my reg pay cheques. I want to buy stuff lol, being broke puts a cramp on it.

Well that's all I've got today. Thinking it is time for bed.

Recent pix

Catching up on the years i missed out on

Wow, sometimes i forget about my blog. I am at 275 pounds, at the moment i fluctuate from 272 to 277. This has primarily been from diet. I lost the first 20 pounds on my own and I asked my doctor to refer me to this awesome nutritionist.

I don't feel like I'm missing out on the junk food. In all honesty sometimes i still eat the junk food. I always feel like shit afterward. That just tells me how bad it is for me. One thing that was "weighing" down my diet was the amount of fats i was consuming and the calories i was drinking. You know the frozen concentrated drinks we get. Look how many calories are in one serving and how small that one serving is. One glass your probably drinking a quarter of your days allowance. I've been drinking the nestle packets with splenda in them and it helps. Then the amount of extra virgin olive oil i was cooking with and the cheese i was having throughout the day.

I'll give you a break down of the food I have on a daily basis so you get the idea of what my nutritionist ha planned out for me. In the last few weeks i haven't been sticking to it the way i should have. I set a huge goal for myself by July 30 2010 I want to be under 200 pounds. I've been off work for over a month now with sever facial pain. I have the fybromyalgia which is crippling enough. It runs me down makes me sick and causes depression. Now I have additional pain which I've been told may be trigeminal neuralgia (nerves in my face, caused by my brain). Which is the excuse for not eating my 3 meals a day and cooking all of my meals. I've had no energy, I'm on 5 different types of medication, I sleep the majority of the day and have very little energy. I'm in severe pain as i write this. However I'm watching the biggest loser and it motivated me to talk about how I'm feeling.

This season of the biggest loser has made me realize that I have emotional issues that I have not addressed. The problem is I don't know what they are. A lot of my childhood I've blocked out memories. I obviously remember the good but I've blocked out the bad. I was talking to my mom the other day and she reminded me of things I had forgotten, hurtful experiences I've had. I told her the other day this year has been about me being kicked down and when i get back up i get kicked down again. She said the last few years have been like that for me. It's true. I was in Denial about my relationship with my soon to be ex husband. I don't know why I allowed the hurt to go on for so long. I felt like shit the whole relationship. I've been happier now. I wouldn't say I'm happy with my life but I am happier then I was. I've come to the conclusion that I've never been truly happy in my life for an extended period of time. I've had happy moments, key moments. My life right now consists of me not getting stressed so I imagine times where I felt happy and free. Walking in the rain by the river listening to one song on my ipod over and over singing and dancing when no one could see me. Jet skiing feeling the wind in my face and the freedom on the water.

I want to learn to be happy, I think I need to fix me first. Outside and in. I believe the lack of dating in my teen years and being married during my early 20's I missed out on skills I should have gained. I realize with guys I'm kinda awkward, I don't get how to play the "dating game" nor do I want to play the game. I just want to be honest and upfront about how I feel. I don't have the confidence to approach guys. So I do the whole Internet thing pof or cl. I've met a few people. I've had a man lol. A FB situation lol - the actual friendship. It's more for physical gratification then emotional. I do actually want the emotional side of a relationship again. I'm afraid to let someone in and trust them again, but i want to try. There are a couple of guys I'm talking to right now and I'm interested in maybe something more. I've never been the play the Field kind of girl. I'm starting to care about my appearance a little more. I'm wishing I could afford to get nice clothes and get my nails done. This is the first time I've ever been financially on my own and it's hard.

I decided to stay in Canada after the separation because I felt like i needed to prove to myself that I am strong and I can do this. I miss my family and friends. I cry on occasion, I find it hard to cry these days. I had to go to the hospital recently and it's the first time I realized how alone i was, I had to call about 10 people to see if anyone could drive me hope after a shot they needed to give me to help with the pain. I even tried my ex who I realized will not stay a friend, he wants a completely separate life that doesn't even involve friendship. I don't understand his mindset and I honestly don't like the person he's become. However I can be grateful that his decisions in life no longer effect me, or hurt me. I just wish the friendship could last on, haha I'm just optimistic and naive i know lol.

In life all I want Is to be proud of myself and love myself and to be happy. I want someone who is a constant support and doesn't remind me of the negative and is constantly reminding me of the positive. Someone who can hold me when i need to cry, laugh with me when i feel joy. Someone who knows how to pick me up when I'm down. Most of all I want to know how to do this myself. My Biggest goal is to run. I want to learn to run. I want to learn to roller blade, ice skate, snow board, rock climb, sail, surf, hike. I would love to go back to school, maybe to become a nutritionist and fitness insturctor to be a motivational speaker and help other people. It makes me so sad and angry when I see obese children. I was an obese child and the effects it has had on my life my health my self esteem and self image. I don't want other children to go through this. I want parents to be educated on how to help their children and not make them feel worse about themselves. They need to motivate their children and get them more active.

Someone said something to me recently. I don't really know him and he wasn't saying it to be cruel but to inform me of how men think. I had turned him down because he is not my type. Apparently this is the first time that has happened to him. He said men usually ask out girls who they think wont turn them down. They pick easy targets and bigger girls are easy targets. Apparently I am not an easy target! I was also told that men like bigger women because they are kinkier in bed. Now i know both of these can be true, based off of confidence issues with ones self. I know sometimes I allow people to use me. I don't want that anymore. I also said to this person that I want to be a motivational speaker. He said what the hell do I have to offer people. I have knowledge about life to offer people. Inform them the pain and suffering of what being obese has gotten me. I obviously intend on losing more weight before I do this, but this is one of my goals. I joined a gym. I love my gym; when I haven't been in a while they call me and make me feel guilty for not going lol. I had a call about a week and a half ago and he made me promise to be there. I said i'd go i the morning, when i woke up i decided f the morning I'll go in the afternoon. I left him a message to tell him i'd be there. He didn't get the message and he called me again to remind me that i promised. Now I almost never break a promise. I was there and we laughed, and I told him I NEVER BREAK A PROMISE! lol. Ok that's about all I have to share today. I think it's enough lol. I had some catching up to do.

What I would eat on a daily basis:

Breakfast: Usually 10 am
1/2 multigrain cereal with half a carton of blackberries and 1 cup of milk
cup of tea with splenda (i do use sugar i know i cheat)
1 slice of whole wheat toast with beecel (should be about a teaspoon)

Lunch: Usualy 1:30 pm
2Slices of whole wheat bread
1/8 avocado (cut a sliver out of the whole avocado to keep it fresher longer, then mush up the avocado and use it as spread on your sandwhich).
1 slice of tomato
romain lettuce
3 slices of shaved chicken breast

Snack: 3:30
1 source yogurt with skimmed milk
1 pear

Dinner: 5:45-6
1/2 cup to 1 cup of flavored rice
stir fry broccoli, pepper, onion, zucchini, carrot, half a chicken breast. Eat as many vegetables as you want. Then i usually add some soy sauce and teryaki sauce.
I put olive oil on the pan and rub it all over with paper towel to use less oil.

Remember not to drink your calories. Look at the calories in juice. Also avoid the chocolate chip cookies ^_^ lol my downfall.

Finally Something to share!!

Hey Everyone!!!

So I have something exciting to tell you guys ... I lost 25 pounds total. I had gone up to 313 eek! I am now at 288.6 as of today. I havent seen that number in a long time I finally broke the 290's. Oooh and I can fit in my 24's!!

I haven't written for a while. My husband and I seperated the day before Valentines Day. Said he didn't love me anymore. Though I loved him it didnt take me more then a few days to get over it. I guess when things weren't good for so long it was easier to get over it. I am looking for a new job because of course I left mine b4 the seperation.

I am soo much happier now. I am nervous about dating again. I am also starting to make friends here in Canada which is great hopefully someone will introduce me to a nice guy. It's hard when you don't know people to meet guys other then the internet which hasn't been going so good lol.

Anyhow hope everyone is doing well and going to post a new pic of my face since you can tell.

XOXO to everyone and tho it is early HAVE A HAPPY EASTER!!!

Long Time No Talk

Hey Guys,

I know I'm crap I havent been posting. But on the good front I have lost 12 pounds it's been a yo-yo. When I moved here I went up to 311 and now I am tetering on 299. This is all based on eating less no diets no excercise just eating less. My first small goal is to get to 290 then 280 10 pounds at a time.

I may have pcos which all of you know can cause infertility and I'm only 23 how much does that suck. I had a hormone test all fine but the testosterone is up by .2 and I have a pelvic exame on the 8th. I will let you know how it all goes.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and I wish you the Best New Year.

XX